


The Women Who Wanted Her

by LaLicorneRose



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Breaking Up & Making Up, Choose Your Own Adventure, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Lesbian Character, season 13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-05 06:02:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 56,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17319347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaLicorneRose/pseuds/LaLicorneRose
Summary: A choose your own adventure of sorts... There's Alex whom she has history with and then there's Amanda who's new and different.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I realized I got it wrong with ADA Alex Cabot. She apparently didn't leave the series forever after going into witness protection and I'm a horrible SVU fan for having not known that. In any event, this idea came to me after seeing the first episode of season 13 recently.
> 
> I am going to make this a sort of reviewer-involved story as I have no loyalty to who wins out in the end and I want to hear your feedback as to whom you think it should be. I might not make everyone happy, but I think it would be fun to get your ideas and craft a story around what you'd want to see- to an extent, of course. So, in a way this is like a choose your own adventure fic. I will seriously consider all your feedback! I hope you enjoy this little tale, even though it may be a little twisted at times. Enjoy!

Part 1

There was a knock at her door. She looked up from her paperwork, having not expected anyone. She took off her glasses, rubbed her forehead, and heard another knock.

"Coming!" She called, standing up, feeling the muscles in her body protesting. How long had she been hunched over her dining room table – a table she rarely used for dining.

She glanced through the peep hole and felt her heart thud in her chest. This she had not expected…and yet in a way she had.

"Olivia." She greeted the brunette who stood, slightly inebriated, on the other side of the door. Her eyes were glazed over, red from tears. She hadn't looked right the previous day when they'd parted. She knew why – Stabler was gone.

"Alex…can I – can I come in?" She was fighting off tears.

Alex held the door open a little wider and Olivia's dark eyes focused on her, as if just then registering her presence. She knew this was a bad idea, as it always was. She could already feel the inevitable pain splaying out in her chest, but then Olivia was stepping towards her. Olivia was reaching for her and then Alex was in the other woman's arms and Olivia's lips tasted like scotch when they met in a crushing, heated kiss. A kiss that was asking for far more than Alex ideally wanted to give.

"Liv, Liv…" Alex tried to push at her as the door clicked shut behind them.

"Please." Olivia whispered, so desperate, so heartbroken. "Please, Al."

Alex shook her head but pulled Olivia closer to her. "It's not a good idea."

Olivia laughed in irony. It had never been a good idea, not since the first time. Not since Alex had returned from the witness protection program and Olivia had been so, so angry with her. It had been like punishment that first time. And now it was used for moments such as these. When Olivia's world was falling apart. Never mind if Alex might be busy or have someone else, or any number of other reasons why she shouldn't engage with Olivia, and yet she always, _always_ gave into her.

"I know Stabler is gone." Alex tried as Olivia backed her into the edge of her kitchen island, wrecking her neck with impassioned kisses.

"Shh," Olivia cautioned, her hand finding the edge of Alex's dress which she'd worn to trial that afternoon and had yet to take off – so overwhelmed by paperwork she had been that evening. And now Olivia was distracting her. Olivia's hand was warm as it made its way up to her slick underwear. Oh, damn Olivia for what she did to her. Damn her to hell. It was so Goddamn easy and she allowed it every time. And every time Olivia took what she wanted and then returned to hiding behind her work, dating losers here and there to offset office speculation. "I don't want to talk about him." Olivia's fingers found that spot that stopped Alex dead in her tracks.

She moaned, her head rolling back. She could feel Olivia's gaze intently upon her, watching her as she touched her, gaging her reaction to the stimulation. "Co-couch, Liv. The couch." Alex whimpered.

Olivia grasped at her hips, turning her from the kitchen island, her hands cupping Alex's behind as she followed her to the couch. Alex slid down into the cushions and Olivia straddled her, pinning her to the couch beneath her. Olivia's smoldering kisses did her in as her shaky fingers worked hard to unbutton Olivia's shirt. Olivia's head tilted back when Alex's lips came to a freed nipple, flicking the other with her fingers. "Fuck." Olivia cursed and then she was pushing Alex onto her side, turning her until she was on her hands and knees and then Olivia was sliding her fingers inside of her from behind. Alex could feel the brush of Olivia's hard nipple on her lower back as Olivia's teeth worked at her neck, lightly biting then sucking and Alex knew there would be marks and she knew she would have to wear a scarf the following day.

She wanted to see Olivia, wanted to kiss her and so she twisted, forcing the detective on top of her, pulling her close so that she could kiss her as Olivia did to her what she knew how to do best and just like that Alex felt her knees go weak, he body slack against Olivia and then she was gasping, rolling in the waves of orgasm that Olivia was always so very good at giving to her. If only the woman was equally good at staying put and not running away.

The thought dampened Alex's mood as Olivia moved to sit up. She could almost guess what would come next. She would invite Olivia for some tea, a bite to eat and Olivia would say she needed to get home to sleep, or a call would magically come in and she'd run out. So, Alex didn't even say the words. Instead she waited, laid awkwardly atop her couch with her dress riding up around her waist, watching as Olivia leaned forward, putting her head in her hands.

But then she noticed Olivia's shoulders shaking in quiet tears, knew that Olivia was spiraling out of control further than normal and perhaps she needed Alex just then.

Alex sat up, moving carefully closer to the brunette, hesitantly putting her arms about her. "Hey, you can talk to me."

Olivia shook her head. "There's nothing to say. He's g-gone." She sobbed.

"I know. But he's not gone from your life. You'll – you can see him again."

"I don't want another Goddamn partner."

"Liv, partners change all the time. It'll be different, but you'll be okay."

"It's not the same." Olivia reached down and pulled her shirt from the ground. "I shouldn't have come." She got up, pulling the material about her arms.

"Liv," Alex sat back, exasperated at this repeated behavior. And she had promised herself she wouldn't plead, wouldn't beg. So, if Olivia wanted to leave, then she could leave. "Perhaps you shouldn't have."

Olivia looked down at her, eyes wide, mouth poised to speak some witty comeback, but instead she stood there bewildered.

"I mean, what the fuck, Olivia. You just get to come in here and take what you want and then you leave. You always leave. How do you think that makes me feel?" Alex stood up, pulling her dress down, adjusting her glasses.

"Al, I'm – I'm sorry." Olivia looked genuinely hurt then. And Alex might feel bad for her if she wasn't as smart as she was. For Olivia had to know, at some level, what this was. What this _could_ have been, but was not something that only frustrated the both of them. She didn't want a relationship, she just wanted to have deep feelings for the ADA, wanted to confess them in an emotionally heightened moment, but then when it came to seeing things through she couldn't actually commit and so they had come to this…whatever this was. And Alex didn't want it.

"I've started seeing someone." Alex moved to the kitchen to pull down a wine glass. She needed a drink.

"Oh, I…I didn't know."

"Of course, you didn't know. You never ask about me." Alex moved to the refrigerator to pull out the bottle she'd started the night before. She did not offer Olivia any for Olivia would leave soon and looked as if she'd had enough for the night. Alex hadn't even begun.

"Al, Alex. I'm sorry." Olivia ran a hand through her auburn hair, shifting uncomfortably in the doorway to the kitchen.

"I think we should end this. For good." Alex spoke after swallowing the wine. She hadn't eaten that night. She knew she would regret it if she finished off this wine.

"I – but…" Olivia looked as if she had just realized she had no defense against this. For she hadn't wanted more. She'd said it a thousand times. She didn't think she could do more than this and so she had to agree to these terms. Because Alex couldn't do this anymore.

"Olivia, I like you. Too much. I respect you as a detective. Let's just…do what we should have done and not engage in whatever the hell this is."

Olivia's brow furrowed. Yet, she stood there wordless, looking so lost and confused. And Alex knew she was kicking her while she was down, but part of her wanted her to feel as terrible as she made her feel when she left. A tear slid down Olivia's cheek and Alex had the urge to go and wipe it away. Instead she moved to the door.

"It'll be okay, Liv. I promise you."

Olivia paused at the door, so much hurt and confusion playing in her stormy, dark eyes. "Alex," she spoke lowly. "I'm sorry."

Alex just shrugged and showed her out, closing the door behind her. And it took several moments, until the ding of the elevator closing behind Olivia, that Alex realized that what had taken place that night would never take place again. Even if she loved Olivia as much as she did, even if her chest constricted in that heavenly, delightfully twisted way it did every time she saw Olivia in such a way…she knew she could not go back on her word.

Olivia was bad for her. Olivia had too many demons for them to have anything serious. She had to admit it to herself, had to make herself understand.

But she couldn't help the tears that fell down her cheeks as she slumped back against the apartment door.

* * *

She'd stayed late with Fin under the guise of paperwork because she'd seen the way Olivia had looked after they'd gotten back from the Waverly St. case. How tired she'd been, how out of it she'd seemed while questioning the subject. Cragen had practically forced Olivia to go home and she'd left so reluctantly, as if she left she might never be able to come back.

Amanda had seen that look before, that bewildered, obsessed look and it had not seemed right on the woman she had idolized before coming to New York. She had seen so many pictures, watched live interviews featuring Olivia Benson and she always looked so put together and lively. She had looked forward to meeting her, getting to know her, envisioning her as more a confidant that a foe.

Of course, she had to see that with the parting of Olivia's partner under rather hairy conditions was not helping the woman's present mood. Perhaps if she waited a few weeks Olivia would come around and see that Amanda wasn't trying to replace anyone.

"Hey, I'm headed out for the night. You should go home and get some sleep. Who knows what we'll be in for tomorrow." Fin tapped her lightly on the shoulder before pulling his jacket on.

"Yeah…yeah, I'll head out real soon. Thanks so much." Amanda smiled and watched as Fin made his way out the door. She supposed she should go home, but her new apartment didn't feel much like home. It was rather drab and disorderly. She'd hardly had time to unpack half her unnecessary boxes. And New York was fabulous for delivery so she hardly needed more than her bed and some toiletries.

No, home was not on the docket. Instead, she left the precinct and wondered down the street towards the bar that seemed _the place_ to go after work. She had followed the squad there several nights ago and found that the drinks were cheap and the food was good enough. She did not want to admit that she was somewhat hoping she might see one detective in particular. She realized it was a silly thought.

When she opened the door and peered in she saw several recognizable faces from around the precinct – the guy who sat at the front desk during the day, the guy who sometimes ran prints, the guy who sat in an office near the elevator. They would not have recognized her and for that she was rather thankful. She slid onto a barstool, ordered a drink and glanced around. It wasn't as much fun without the other guys, she realized. But she was new in town and had no real friends, so perhaps she could get to know a few other people from work.

She looked around at her options and immediately felt glum. There wasn't a single person of interest to her.

The door to the bar swung open. Amanda felt suddenly afraid that she was daydreaming the woman who entered. For it was too coincidental that she would be sitting there when Olivia Benson would walked in the door, looking worse for the wear. Amanda could see her dark rimmed eyes, could tell she wasn't herself.

"Hey there," Amanda waved her over – for some reason feeling protective of her. For she figured it might look bad for people from the precinct to see the infamous Olivia Benson looking so bedraggled and upset.

Olivia's eyes widened when she noticed Amanda sitting there. It almost looked like she might turn and run, but instead she begrudgingly put her head down and came to where Amanda was sitting. "I don't know why I came here." Olivia whispered as she climbed into the stool beside Amanda, covering her face with her hands.

"It's okay. I get it."

"I probably look like hell." Olivia laughed darkly. "I'll have a scotch." She held up her hand for the bartender.

"Actually, I think she might need a coffee." Amanda whispered to him and he nodded.

"You don't have to do that." Olivia was glaring at her. She'd done something wrong.

"Well, I kinda do. I mean, I wouldn't want anything happenin' to you…"

"Nothing is going to happen. I haven't had _that_ much to drink."

Amanda held up her hands, but then watched when Olivia took the proffered coffee and drank it.

"Wanna talk 'bout it?"

Olivia shook her head.

"Well, I get it. I mean, I kind of get it. Fin was telling me about what happened."

"It's not Fin's business to tell. It's not yours to know." Olivia snapped.

Amanda bit her lip, feeling like an idiot. What had she thought…coming to New York to meet her idol who would instantly become her best friend? Ha, that was so childish. Olivia was only a human like anyone else.

"Oh, Rollins, I'm sorry." Olivia rubbed her cheeks. "I – it's just been a long day. I'm…I shouldn't have spoken to you like that."

Amanda nodded, feeling she might have gotten the short end of the stick when it came to Olivia.

"I – uh, he's just been with me for so long. I never…he didn't even call me." Olivia babbled on as if she had been holding all of this in for weeks with no release.

"That's really shitty." Amanda lifted her drink to her lips.

Olivia nodded, "it is." She inhaled shakily. "I'm such a fuck up."

Amanda stared at her, confused. "What'r you talking about? You're one of the best Goddamn detectives I know of. You're hardly a fuck up."

Olivia eyed her then, the corner of her lips lifted in a laugh. "Yeah? Well, then you don't know me well enough yet."

But Amanda had the suspicion that Olivia was severely underselling herself. "You had dinner tonight?"

Olivia shook her head.

"Come on, I know a place a few blocks over. Best Southern cookin' I've found so far."

"Oh…no, I'm…I should go home."

Amanda was already grabbing her coat, but stopped short to look at Olivia. Olivia saying no to her. "Oh, well…I'll go by myself then." She slid into her coat, feeling more and more off about the brunette who was certainly not her normal self. This could not be the same woman Amanda had read about and admired.

"Wait," Olivia reached for her arm right as she was about to leave. "Okay, yes…I'd like that."

"Yeah?" Amanda felt an inexplicable warmth spread through her chest at the realization that Olivia was not pushing her away. She was going to join her for dinner. And perhaps getting some good, home-style cooking into her would ease this heavy dark cloud from around her head. There was no way that a good meal couldn't make the detective feel better.

* * *

The case seemed cut and dry. A millionaire had used his wealth to keep a harem of women around him and he forced them into sexual acts with the promise of whatever they wanted. It was yet another idiotic case of power and money. And one act had gone too far and a woman was dead and it had forced the whole issue out into the public.

Alex found that sticking to business at the scene had not been as hard as she'd thought it would be. Seeing Olivia there with the new detective, what was her name? Randal, Riley, something…it had not phased her as she'd thought it might. And Olivia was playing her part well. She was sober, calm, cool, collected. It seemed that she'd pulled herself together and she looked at Alex as she had always looked at her when they were at a scene. Nothing more and nothing less, not giving anything away.

And for this Alex was somewhat relieved.

What she observed, however, was something she had not expected. It seemed this new girl had grown in Olivia's esteem. For she looked out to prove something to Olivia each time she would come back with a certain lead, would notice something that had been overlooked. Alex wasn't sure of what to make of this young thing.

And Olivia seemed to admire her a whole hell of a lot.

"Things going well, then?" Alex asked Olivia after she watched the new detective flutter off to go and talk to one of the women who had been remanded in the questioning room.

Olivia shrugged, not looking uncomfortable in the slightest being so near to Alex so alone in the viewing room. "Yeah, she's a good kid. Nice to have a new set of eyes around here."

"Have you heard from Stabler?"

Olivia shook her head, a warning look in her eyes. "Nope."

So Alex let it drop. They watched as Amanda started questioning one of the victims, beginning in that sweet, Southern way she had about her. It was so disarming and yet so very effective.

"So, who are you seeing?" Olivia surprised her by asking.

So perhaps she was curious after all. Perhaps it might matter that Alex was no longer hook and line and sinker stuck on Olivia. "You wouldn't know him."

Olivia eyed her. "Him?"

"Yeah, him. I see men and women."

Olivia looked back towards the interrogation. "Well, that's good."

Alex nodded. "Yeah, it is."

Olivia's shoulders tightened.

Alex hated that she was enjoying this moment. She could tell Olivia was ruffled, but then it apparently wasn't enough to make her change her mind about _their_ complicated situation. So that Alex's heart sunk a little at the realization that Olivia was not going to beg her on one knee to stop seeing Tom and come back to her instead. Olivia was going to let her be taken by someone else. And so everything had meant nothing. And fuck Alex for thinking things could be different. And the most frustrating part was that Olivia didn't want to talk about things, didn't want to make anything better, didn't want to change.

And Alex couldn't make her.

* * *

Amanda was lighting up a cigarette outside the precinct when Olivia exited the building, pausing when she saw her. "Didn't know you smoked."

Amanda, startled, turned to face the detective. She felt suddenly dirty, one of her secret habits laid bare for Olivia to discover, to know. At least this not her worst hidden secret. She was certainly glad Olivia had only discovered this. "Yeah." She shrugged, blowing smoke away from the brunette. "You smoke?"

"No." Olivia answered quickly then added, "I used to when I started with the NYPD but quit awhile back. Saw too many good cops get sick from it."

"I know it's bad." Amanda flicked the ashes feeling guilty.

"I won't make you feel bad about it." Olivia smiled and shoved her hands into her pockets. "Where do you live?"

"Near Delancey. Off the F."

"Nice place. Far enough away from here, too."

"Yeah, it is. Of course, it was the cheapest place I could find on the spur of the moment coming here. It's nothing special. You're welcome to come over, if you'd like."

"Oh," Olivia looked like a cat about to run. "No, I should…I should be getting home."

And Amanda felt foolish, again, for assuming that Olivia would come with her. She had to keep reminding herself that Olivia was not meant to be her best buddy. They were working together – working rather well, she had to admit since that first few hurdle the first week – and nothing more.

"Course…right. We've had a long day."

"Hey, what about a quick bite. You know, I think you right about that place around the corner. I mean, I've never had authentic Southern cooking, but it was good." Olivia shrugged, surprising Amanda by her sudden change of heart.

And Amanda should have learned her lesson by now. That sometimes Olivia just needed a little shove in the right direction and then she would come through.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for your fun input! I feel like there are so many Rolivia supporters out there! It's exciting. Though, I do love Cabot since she's been Olivia's first love on the show...or so us lesbians would love to think. I know that this story may piss some readers off, but I will try to be fair to everyone involved. And if you don't enjoy it, it's okay to not some people will change their minds as we go along? I want to try and make this as realistic as possible. Also, I am going to somewhat try to follow the series (mainly season 13), but I think eventually it's going to veer off into its own world because I'm terrible at following things perfectly, so...just go with me. ;) So happy you're enjoying. I think this is like a big gay Olivia jubilee.

Part 2

Olivia had gone behind her back. And she was truly surprised by Olivia's actions. Shocked that she would have done what she did in the Stanton trial because Olivia was always on the victim's side, would _always_ defend the women involved in any case. But this time she had betrayed Alex, thrown her to the wolves.

And to make matters worse, Olivia had just stood there when she'd accused her of calling in Ellis. Not even uttering one word to defend herself.

It was all one hell of a case, though. It didn't make her feel any better that Jake Stanton had killed himself on the court steps. It only made the loss even more hollow. Here was a man who half understood what he did, had half a mind to blow himself into oblivion. And they still had this Troy to process and put away for pimping all of these young women. And that would be another headache. Would it never end?

Alex ordered another drink, staring blankly at her case notes laid out on the bar top. She should have known it was bad when she resorted to working in a bar. Perhaps working with SVU was not the right idea. Her boss had thought it would make for a wonderful return for her and yet it just made her want to quit and return to the simple life she'd had during witness protection. How boring and mundane and frustrating it had seemed at the time, yet now she longed for that little brick cottage they'd rented for her and the quiet town with very few cases to process. New York was becoming too much.

"Mind if I join you?" That damned voice was haunting her.

She wanted to scream _no_ , but instead shuffled some paperwork back into a folder and gave up the hope of accomplishing anything that evening.

"Look," that familiar swell of vanilla and musk flooded her senses and she took off her glasses to rub her forehead. "I didn't mean to derail your case, I was just doing what I thought was right."

"Defending a child molester. Good one, Liv."

"I was not…I was absolutely not doing that. And you know it, Alex. You saw him in court. He was a mess." Olivia insisted.

Alex put back on her glasses and glanced over at Olivia, noting the haunted look in her eyes. She had come to know Olivia well enough to know that it took her at least two days to put a shooting behind her, even if she acted fine later the same day. She was still reliving that shot on the stairs, berating herself for having not stopped it. Alex could read it in her eyes. "You did everything you could and now it's over." Alex patted her hand where it rested atop the bar.

Olivia looked down and nodded, trying her hardest to hold herself together. "Al, I…" she wiped furiously at her eye. "I wanted to apologize."

"Listen, no hard feelings. I will assume you contacted Ellis because you thought it was best."

"Alex, I'm not talking about that." Olivia put her glass of scotch to her lips and drank it.

Oh, so Olivia wanted to have _that_ conversation. She was just full of surprises these past few days. Alex stayed quiet, not wanting to spook Olivia into saying more than she was ready to.

"I just – well," Olivia downed the rest of her drink. "If you really care about him then I'm happy for you. And I won't…I'm sorry that I…"

That she what? Couldn't make a commitment? Couldn't admit to herself, to anyone that she might be the slightest bit not straight (or straight at all)? Alex wanted to hear the words, but instead knew that this was as far as Olivia would go to defend herself. And she was surrendering her rights to have anything with Alex. She was giving up because Alex was seeing someone else. Easy as that. It could all be over.

"I hope we can still be friends." Olivia turned to her, looking at her with hopeful brown eyes. For being so capable at her job, she was shit with personal relationships.

"Yeah," Alex nodded. "Yeah, I hope so, too."

* * *

She secretly checked the basketball score on her phone, watching as the tides turned against her. And she was disgusted with herself for how far gone she was. She'd sworn up and down that New York would be better, that she'd stop doing this to herself and yet, she found herself down fifteen thousand and it was embarrassing. She'd really needed this win tonight and yet her team wasn't pulling through. She'd made a wrong call.

She'd have to be smarter next time if she was going to win and then…then she could pay it off and be done with it. She needed to be. She knew that it was risky as a detective for such an elite squad. They'd have her badge if she wasn't careful.

She felt her stomach knot at the thought. She moved to her e-mail inbox, skimming through the recent unread messages and noticed one from this idiotic site she'd signed up for late one night. She was getting more and more turned off with each message that came through. One guy had seemed nice enough and she'd messaged with him for a while, but then he started insisting that they see one another immediately, making strange suggestions and now she saw another message from him since she hadn't responded several days ago. Why couldn't guys get a hint?

_U know you wanna suck my dick. What are you? A dyke or something?_

Real rich, real nice this guy. She blocked him from her inbox and then looked up to find Olivia eyeing her over a cup of tea.

"What's going on, Rollins?" The older detective had seen the disgusted look on her face. Sometimes Amanda really resented working around so many intuitive, observant people. It was their job to be so, but she didn't see why they always had to use it on her.

"Nothin'." She sighed and shut her laptop. "Just some creep on a dating site. Callin' me a dyke just because I don't want to…" Amanda trailed off, the dirty words trailing off uselessly.

"Sounds like a real nice guy." Olivia rolled her eyes.

"Don't you know it. Just 'cuz I don't wanna fuck him right away automatically means I'm a lesbian."

"Seems like the first line of defense when a guy can't get a girl."

Amanda grinned, finding she liked it when Olivia was on her side. "Maybe it'd be a hell of a lot easier if I were gay. Still not sure I'm diggin' men the more I'm on the job."

Olivia gave her a surprised raise of an eyebrow, lip quirking into an amused smile. "I thought we covered that. There are still some good guys. Besides, you've also seen how terrible women can be so I don't think changing teams really helps any."

"So, I'll stay single then."

"Well, I don't think…"

"Olivia, Amanda there's been a call. A man found shot dead in his office, the secretary is claiming rape." Cragen yelled from his office.

"Jesus." Amanda groaned and stood up. At least it would be something to keep her mind off the shit hole her life was becoming.

"I never get to enjoy my tea, do I?" Olivia sighed, chucking the substance into a nearby garbage can and reaching for her coat.

* * *

Alex supposed that staying on friendly terms with Olivia was better than nothing in a way. The night Olivia had surprised her by asking her to go ice skating had been quite a shock. And the fact that they could enjoy the event together with no real hard feelings had been even more surprising. Alex wanted to hate Olivia, but when she was holding her hand as they turned circles around the frozen rink, she couldn't hate her. She knew she would never be able to hate her.

She wondered if she should get herself moved out of SVU. Because the more time she spent like this with Olivia, the more she knew it was unhelpful to her own mental health. Olivia was going to drown her in pain. She knew this.

"Hey you. What're you thinking about?" Tom leaned forward, breaking her from the memory of a few nights ago. Yes, she was with Tom now.

"Just a case. A few days ago. Still doesn't make any sense to me."

"You've gotta learn to cut loose and relax a little, Alex." Tom laughed.

"Hmm, yeah." Alex nodded in agreement. Tom, young Tom who was a clerk at one of her old firms, whom she'd met accidentally one day while going in to a meeting with her old boss…Tom who knew nothing of the demons racing around in her head. Had no concept of her past and in a way, it gave her a certain freedom while being with him. He was thirty-five. Young, yet so mature. He always seemed to sense when she was far away and he always had a way of pulling her back in.

She felt a certain comfort with him. A certain level of intimacy from the excitement in his eyes. He leaned forward and kissed her neck gently. His lips were warm and soft, did not take the way Olivia's sometimes did. Instead he wanted to give. He wanted to give to her and they had a kind agreement between them.

She let him give to her and she tried her hardest to be there with him. She didn't want to be far gone on Olivia. She didn't want to remember how their first time, when she'd finally dared to face the squad two years ago on a case…more like she had been forced to face them, and Olivia had looked so happy that she had returned and they'd gotten drinks and Olivia had kissed her. How sweet it had begun, how sweet and lovely and kind and gentle and Olivia had opened to her as she had never seen her open to anyone. And Alex had thought she was special because Olivia was giving her this gift.

But then it had become this secret between them and the more secret it became the harder it became to face that Olivia didn't want her the way she wanted Olivia.

Tom was her out. Tom was her way towards something that might be better for her because he _did_ want to be seen with her. He did want to be open and out with her.

As he took her into his arms she resented the feeling in the pit of her stomach.

* * *

She wasn't exactly sure why she was doing this.

Cragen had helped her so much, gotten her to Gambler's Anonymous, had kept things on the down-low for her, and for this she was thankful. There had only been that one awkward moment in his office when Olivia had walked in, had seen her tears and looked as if she might ask her what was wrong…yet, she had not and Amanda had been relieved that she had not.

She felt more in control now that she'd be in the program. She would go to meetings when the mood to gamble struck her. She'd worked out a deal to get herself clean and free of any money she owed so in a way a certain weight had lifted from her shoulders.

Yet, something else was gnawing at her.

She had never considered herself closed off to possibilities, nor considered herself close-minded when it came to such matters. Because maybe what she needed was a little something or someone to take her mind off the need, the want to self-destruct in gambling. She needed a new pathway, something different. And so she'd researched this event, wondering if this was the missing piece she had been trying to put into place her entire life. She hadn't considered it before now, yet that e-mail, that pervert guy had put a sour taste in her mouth. The cases she saw day in and day out had put a little wrench in her libido and so maybe this was a healthy way of changing that.

"Hello there, my name is Jane. Are you here to check-in for our speed-dating night?" A kindly looking woman with short hair rose from a table to greet her.

"Uh, yes." Amanda swallowed and glanced around the room, immediately feeling like an imposter. How stupid had she been, this wasn't right. Was it? "I mean…I'm new here. I've never…"

Jane reached out and placed a reassuring hand on Amanda's arm. "It's okay, we accept everyone here. Even the newbies." She winked. "What's your name?"

Amanda glanced about, noticing the assortment of women who were happily chatting away in the posh looking cocktail bar. There were all sorts of women, tall, skinny, short, wide, tiny, dark, light, long haired, short haired…and yet, Amanda felt out of place. This had been a mistake.

One girl standing near the bar caught her eye, smiling when her gaze fell upon her. She was about Amanda's age, had long, dark curls, deeply painted lips and light eyes. Amanda felt her heart speed up.

This wasn't right. "I…I shouldn't have come." Amanda turned and fumbled with the door until she was out in the crisp night air and suddenly felt she could breathe again. Was she crazy? Going to a lesbian speed-dating night when she wasn't even _really_ a lesbian. Was she?

Oh God.

She lit up a cigarette and leaned up against the cool brick, attempting to calm her racing heart.

She heard the door of the bar open and close beside her. The girl from the bar was standing next to her. "Mind if I bum a smoke?"

"Uh, sure." Amanda nearly dropped the pack as she extended them to the woman. She somehow kept herself steady enough to light the cigarette for this woman who was making her feel nervous.

"I saw you get spooked in there." The woman blew a cloud of smoke up into the air, her long skinny neck laid bare to Amanda in the dim streetlamp light of the street.

"Uh, yeah." Amanda's cheeks went red. "I mean, I'm not really…well, I don't think I'm…"

"Ah," the woman nodded, an interested gleam in her eye. "A little confused, perhaps?"

"I don't know." Amanda sighed and rubbed her forehead.

"I'm Kate, by the way."

"Amanda." Amanda held out her hand and the woman took it. Her hand was so warm.

"Nice to meet you, Amanda. Would you want to get a cup of coffee?"

"What about the event?"

Kate shrugged, "I didn't see anyone interesting. Except you."

Amanda snorted. "Well, I don't even know if I'm…so I don't think I'll be much good…"

Kate was laughing, "come on. It's just some coffee. I won't bite."

Amanda realized she had no real hesitation, no reason to say no. If anything, Kate could be a friend. She seemed nice enough, no worrisome gut feeling erupted as Amanda acquiesced and followed Kate down the block to a late-night coffee shop.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3

There would be no getting out of the NYPD gala that year. SVU was receiving special recognition for a case which Alex had presided over in particular and she had been invited to join in on the festivities. It had been a month since she'd been moved to Narcotics – a move she told Olivia was forced upon her, but in all truth, she had asked. In that past month she had not seen Olivia. She was making a point to be absent from Olivia's life because things were going well with Tom. But now she was invited to this gala and she _knew_ Olivia would be there.

In a way, she was grateful for Tom at her side as they made their way into the grand ballroom. She noticed several of her fellow district attorneys in attendance, several cops she'd worked with, and of course there was the SVU department, all dashing and dapper and dressed up to the nines.

Her stomach sunk when she happened to glance up from ordering a drink at the bar to find Olivia turn in that exact moment, wearing the most skin-tight strapless black dress, her hair blown-out about her face. God, the woman was a Goddess. There was no other way to describe her beauty. Such a fancy event only enhanced what she looked like on a day to day basis and Alex couldn't help but feel her knees go a little weak at the knowledge of what that beauty was capable of when she was completely naked.

Olivia caught her eye, looking away ever so slightly as if guilty of something, and then they were forced together in the flow of the crowd.

"Liv."

"Alex."

They kissed cheeks as if it were completely normal and natural for them to be doing something like that. Perhaps it was the white-tie affair that made it so formal and fitting for them to brush lips against cheeks.

Alex had all but forgotten Tom at her side until she heard him clear his throat. "Liv, this is Tom. Tom Watts."

"Hi, I'm Olivia Benson." She stuck out her hand and Alex watched as the two touched cordially. "This," Olivia turned ever so much to the right and slipped her arm around a young man Alex remembered from the crime lab, "is Jason Sanchez."

"Hi, nice to meet you." The man, who looked younger than Tom, stuck out his hand to shake Alex's and she disliked how enthusiastically he did so. Tom and Jason shook hands and Alex glanced at Olivia, searching for some sort of explanation. For this looked like a joke. She watched the way Jason regarded Olivia, looking at her as if he couldn't wait to bed her and Alex had to laugh for she knew Olivia and knew that that would more than likely _not_ happen.

"When did this happen?" Alex boldly inquired.

"Oh, I asked her to come with me." Jason cut in, beaming, so proud of himself for landing _the_ Olivia Benson at such an event.

"Yes," Olivia smiled tightly. So it wasn't serious. Alex felt the tension in her shoulders release. "Perhaps we can catch up after the ceremony." Olivia offered. "Looks like we need to get to our seats." She was running away.

"Of course." But Alex had a feeling that she wouldn't willingly see Olivia again that evening.

* * *

"I've never been to something like this before." Kate glanced around the elegant ballroom.

"Neither have I." Amanda admitted, feeling awfully ridiculous in the outlandish sequined gown Kate had helped her pick out for the event. She wished she'd just gone with the nice black pants and jacket she'd been planning on wearing.

"It's exciting, though, isn't it?" Kate had her arm in Amanda's, and Amanda felt somehow emboldened by the connection.

"Yeah, I guess." Amanda scanned the crowd, looking for a familiar face. She hardly knew many people outside of SVU and so far they were hidden amongst the other guests.

"You look amazing, if you don't mind my saying. I think the dress really works." Kate whispered and Amanda laughed.

"If you say so, but I'm about ready to go home and change into my sweats and call it a night. I don't see anyone I know."

"Oh, come on, we just got here. Think about all the free food they'll have." Kate laughed, urging her forward.

And then suddenly Amanda noticed Olivia standing just a few feet from her. She looked like a statue, so perfectly put together, her tanned shoulders laid bare for all to see and Amanda felt the wind knock out of lungs when Olivia turned those wide, brilliant eyes towards her, noticing her.

"Who is that? She is delicious." Kate stood as still as Amanda.

"That is my…colleague." Amanda swallowed and then noticed the arm wrapped about Olivia's waist. Someone was with her.

Olivia's smile upon spotting Amanda morphed into a confused look before straightening back out into a smile. She turned and Amanda saw a young man at her side, some guy she'd sworn she'd seen before at a crime scene working on the investigation. How had she not known Olivia was seeing someone? Why did it make her blood run cold to see him hanging on her?

Olivia was moving towards her, came to rest just inches from her. "Hello, Amanda."

"H-hi, Liv."

"I, uh…didn't think you were serious the other day when we were talking…" Olivia's eyes fell to Kate and Amanda realized that she was holding on to Kate as if they were lovers. And while they could very well have been, they had decided to keep things light and easy and friendly.

"Uh, oh…no, no. This is my friend Kate. Kate, this is…this is Olivia." Amanda muttered without turning to look at Kate.

Olivia smiled at Kate and extended her hand to her. "Nice to meet you. This is my friend, Jason."

"Uh, nice to…nice to meet you." Amanda extended her hand forward and grasped Jason's willing hand in greeting. _Friend_ , Olivia had just said friend, hadn't she? Yes, that was better. A friend.

"I think we're at the same table. Shall we sit?" Olivia inquired and Amanda nodded.

"After you." Amanda gestured for Olivia to lead them.

Kate pulled Amanda closer to her, "okay, what the hell was that, Amanda? She is into you."

"What?" Amanda felt her cheeks flair red. "No, no…she doesn't even like me. Like like me as a friend."

"Uh, I would beg to differ." Kate insisted.

There was no way, absolutely no way that Olivia would be interested in Amanda. Little fucked up Amanda. There was no way in the world.

"And you certainly have the hots for her."

"I do _not_." Amanda spoke through clenched teeth, afraid that Olivia might somehow hear them chatting away over the loud jazz music and conversation in the room.

Kate was laughing. "I can totally see why you left lesbian speed-dating the other night. There was certainly no one like _her_."

"Stop! She's my work colleague." Amanda was so warm. The stupid dress felt itchy. And as they found their seats at the table, she realized she would then have to sit between Kate and Olivia. There would be no getting out of this awkward hell.

* * *

She couldn't help her gaze which lingered on Olivia throughout the meal. She watched her as she held the eyes of all at her table, all that SVU lot who fawned over her, held her in such high esteem. Every one of them seemed to fall for her charms, Alex could see it in their eyes as they watched Olivia's every elegant move. For that dress made every move look elegant, sophisticated.

She was taken with the woman herself, disgusted with herself for feeling the way she did.

Had she not been paying so much attention, she might have missed the very pointed looks that that young, blonde detective was giving Olivia. Like a teenager with a crush on her teacher. Her cheeks were flushed red – perhaps from alcohol, but judging by the looks of it, something so much more. And Alex realized that Olivia was indulging this crush, would lean over and whisper to this new recruit, this Amanda. Amanda Rollins.

The irony was not lost on Alex as she thought about Olivia's pattern of A-named blondes.

But what was this…flirtation? Was she seeing something, was she reading between the lines too much because she was jealous that it was this young woman in a place that she _wanted_ to be?

She was really pathetic, she realized, and sometime between the third and fourth course Alex pushed her chair back and excused herself to the restroom. She could feel Tom's worried gaze following her through the ballroom, but she didn't feel like being there anymore.

She sunk down onto a plush sofa and pulled out her compact to make it seem that she had a purpose in the restroom. Her lipstick was smeared. She pulled out the tube and applied a fresh coat to her lips. Just as she was checking what she had done, for she hated if her lipstick were out of place, she heard the door to the bathroom open and then close and she found Olivia standing there, looking like a toddler caught doing something wrong.

"Jesus." Alex sighed, rolling her eyes.

"I didn't –" Olivia attempted to play it off, but then closed her mouth and crossed her arms. "He looks nice."

"So does she."

Olivia's brow furrowed. "Who are you talking about?"

"Oh don't play dumb with me. It doesn't look good on you, Liv."

"I don't know who you're talking about. I'm here with Jason."

"That kid. Is he even old enough to date you?"

"Alex," Olivia whined, glancing to the toilet stalls to make sure that no one was overhearing the heated conversation.

"Well, I'm sorry, but you can't possibly be taking him seriously…"

"I'm not. We're just here together because, like he said, he invited me and I didn't have a date."

"Didn't have a date. Hmm." Alex tossed her lipstick and compact back into her bag and stood up. "I'm so sick of it, Liv."

"Of what?" Olivia stood so that Alex could hardly make an exit without touching her in some way.

"Of you. You and your innocent little act. As if you have _no_ idea of what you do to people." Alex got close to her, close enough that under any other circumstance they might just have kissed. But instead she was glowering at Olivia, uncontrolled rage flowing through her. She wanted to hurt her, but she held her hands clinched at her sides because that would be idiotic. How did she let this woman get to her so easily? "And just so you know, I asked to be moved out of SVU."

"What?" Olivia's face fell.

"I can't work with you. Not like this...not…" Alex slunk off, deflated. Olivia was like talking to a blank wall. If she came out and told her that she loved her and wanted to be with her it would only make Olivia run far, far away.

"Al," Olivia reached out and tried to take her hand, but she pushed her away. "Alex, I am sorry, but I'm not…I can't do it. As much as I want to."

"You want to?"

"You know it would end badly. For both of us."

"So what, you just want to fuck me here in this bathroom and then go back to your little man-child date and act as if you don't know me?"

"I – uh…" Olivia swallowed.

Alex nodded. "That's what I thought. Olivia, I am done. I can't…I can't." And then she reached for the doorknob and walked back out to Tom, steeling her features so that she wouldn't look as upset as she felt on the inside, burying her face in the wine that was freely poured because she couldn't cry. Not in front of everyone.

* * *

Amanda slunk away from the party, finding a side exit to the street where she could smoke. She'd left Kate talking to some tall, older District Attorney with legs for days. She was quite certain Kate would not miss her.

She leaned up against the cool stone exterior of the event space and blew a stream of smoke towards the sky. What Kate had said earlier was still swirling around in her mind and it was becoming insufferable to be inside with all of those people, with _her_ , so close to the detective with those charming, dark eyes. It couldn't possibly be that Olivia was at all interested in her. They were work colleagues, barely even knew one another. And Amanda was quite certain that when Olivia truly got to know her she would certainly not want to get involved. Amanda had too many skeletons in her closet.

She heard the door open and then a whiff of familiar perfume swirled about her. It couldn't possibly be…but there was Olivia glancing out the side door, as if she was about to take off sprinting down the street.

"Liv, where are you going?" Amanda stood up from where she was leaning, startling the older woman.

"Oh, I…" Olivia brushed a hand through her hair, looking caught off-guard.

"They haven't even started the ceremony. You couldn't possibly leave now." Amanda laughed, but noticed that Olivia was distracted.

"I…I guess I just came out for some fresh air." Olivia's hurry faded away. She had been poised to run, but now she would not.

"Me, too." Amanda held up her cigarette and sighed.

Olivia shook her head, a slight smile forming on her lips as she regarded Amanda. "I never like these events."

"I can see why. I can't wait to go home and get outta this ridiculous dress."

"Ditto." Olivia slid a finger delicately into the top of her gown and adjusted it, her breasts moving with the motion. Amanda looked away. "I'd be much more comfortable in my pants."

"I almost wore pants. Kate, convinced me otherwise."

Olivia glanced curiously at her. "Kate seems nice. Are you…"

"Uh, no. I mean, I met her at a lesbian event but we…we're just friends." Amanda blushed a little at this admission. Though she felt like she might test the waters by admitting to having attended a lesbian event at the very least.

"So…you just, decided to give dating women a try?" Olivia eyed her curiously.

Amanda shrugged. "I mean, I haven't…done anything, but…you know, why not."

Olivia stared across the street, as if her mind had wondered somewhere else entirely. The same haunted expression returned to her face, as if Amanda had said something wrong. "I don't think it's really a choice."

"Oh, I didn't…I didn't mean to sound flippant about it. I was just…just curious. About myself."

"Don't you think you'd know, though?" Olivia glanced at her.

"Maybe not." Amanda shrugged. "Sometimes I'm not too good at bein' self-aware about things. Why I jumped on the opportunity to start over in New York. Get away from my shit."

"Did it work?" Olivia sucked in a breath of air, as if begging Amanda to answer in an agreeable way.

"No." Amanda shook her head and blew out a stream of smoke. She butted the cigarette beneath her heeled toes. "We should…we should get back inside. Don't you think? It's kinda chilly."

Olivia nodded, holding the door open to follow Amanda inside, as if she might still turn and run away. And what was she running from?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the reviews and kind words. You are all very kind! Yes, I want to get this out as quickly as possible because I'm on a break of sorts, so lucky you. Hopefully I will get this done and you will enjoy the journey. I still am undecided as to what will happen next but it's coming along! Thanks again for the reviews. You're all very nice. :) I hope you enjoy!


	4. Chapter 4

Part 4

"Liv?" Alex called into the apartment, thankful for the doorman of Olivia's apartment who remembered her and told her he'd been asked to let her in. She'd received the confusing text message from Olivia – asking her if she could come over - after getting out of court and then had heard through the grapevine about the shooting, about how Olivia had been involved. Her heart had raced, thumped loudly in her ear. It felt as if she hadn't been able to breathe since leaving the courthouse.

It was not until she turned the corner into Olivia's room and found the bathroom door slightly ajar, the ghost of candles dancing through the crack in the door, that Alex felt she could breathe again. "Liv?" She whispered, pushing against the doorframe. It fell open to reveal Olivia laying in her bathtub, staring blankly at the tiled wall ahead of her. She was naked, Alex could see a dark, hardened nipple floating near to the surface of the steaming water, could make out the light patch of hair between her legs.

"Olivia," Alex kneeled down on the ground near to the tub, trying not to startle Olivia, knowing that the woman was fragile in that moment, despite playing it tough, as Alex was sure she had at the precinct. She knew Olivia, knew how these things crawled under her skin and wouldn't leave her so easily, so quickly. She would regain her strength, she always did, but Alex was quite certain these moments never left Olivia.

Olivia startled, as if just sensing Alex's presence in the room. "Alex?"

"Yeah, I'm here." Alex reached out, cupped Olivia's moist cheek. Had she been crying?

""Th-thanks for coming."

"Of course." Alex gave her a half smile. For however pissed she tried to be, she could scarcely hate Olivia in this moment, in this moment where she was so vulnerable, frightened. And Alex knew that she had no one else to turn to. No real family to speak of and, in a way, she felt, begrudgingly, responsible for her. Though Olivia had assured her many times that she didn't need to feel this way, Alex had a soft spot for the detective and refused to heed Olivia's refusal. For why else would Olivia call her when she'd very nearly been shot that day? If Alex had meant so little to her then she would not have been contacted at all.

"You really didn't have to."

"Liv, I wanted to." Alex insisted.

"But I've been so terrible and you…you really shouldn't have to come…"

"Olivia, it doesn't matter now. You've had a traumatic day."

Olivia's lip stiffened. "You heard?"

"Of course, it got around. I…I was worried about you."

Olivia nodded. "I'm okay."

"Yeah, thank God Amaro was there."

"He shot well, I thought – well, I wasn't sure and then…"

Alex nodded, taking Olivia's hand in her own, not minding the crumpling of her suit from her seat on the ground, nor the fact that her sleeve was now wet.

"Al," Olivia looked at her, that look in her eyes and Alex couldn't quite fathom how she was able to look at her like that in such a moment. "I thought about…I thought about you when he…and I…I'm so sorry." There was a tear in her eye.

"It's okay."

"It's not." Olivia slunk back in the tub.

Alex sighed, "it's not, but you were very clear that you didn't want anything more."

Olivia took a deep breath, her gaze moving to the ceiling. "It scares me."

"I know that."

Olivia rolled her head to look at Alex, those dark eyes probing deeply into her. "I mean it scares me how much you love me."

Alex felt as if the word was a slap in the face. The way it rolled off Olivia's tongue like it was a bad word, like it should be banished from the dictionary, the concept striped away entirely. Love, how ridiculous it sounded when it came from Olivia's mouth. "I never said…" Alex removed her hand from Olivia's, shrugging out of her jacket as if needing a distraction.

"I see it." Olivia sat up, insistently. "And sometimes I resent it because…"

"Because you don't feel the same way?" Alex decided to just put those words in Olivia's mouth because she wanted to hear them.

"No," Olivia shook her head. "No, I do feel…similarly, but it scares me."

"Liv, don't you think that any relationship will be hard for you?"

Olivia shrugged. "It's why you shouldn't feel that way."

Alex leaned up against the wall, feeling worse for the wear in this moment. It was never ending with Olivia, this constant battle. Back and forth, did she love her or not? Would she be willing to do the work? Would she be willing to come clean? And usually the answer was no. "Olivia, I thought we agreed we wouldn't do this."

"Why did you come?" Olivia demanded like a child.

Alex sat up and looked, bewildered, at the brunette before her. "You were almost shot today. I was worried about you. You _called_ me. What did you want me to do?"

Olivia deflated before her, having at least some decency to look as if she realized how foolish she had just sounded. They sat there in silence for what felt like ever. Alex began to wonder if she should leave. This had been the wrong decision, again. Olivia was just using her for her own end. This was preposterous.

"Will you join me?" Olivia's voice was small, hesitant in the dimly lit room. The woman rarely asked for such things, as if she were afraid to just demand for herself something that might be nice. This was, perhaps, the crux of their relationship. The fact that Olivia never felt she deserved to have something good, something nice. Like what Alex could give. Maybe…

Alex rubbed her forehead, knowing just how easy it would be to get up and leave. It would show Olivia that she truly meant it when she said she was finished.

Instead, like the druggies she'd been defending as of recent, she found herself going back for her fix. She stood up, undid her skirt and felt Olivia's eyes follow it as it dropped. She was naked in a matter of seconds and then she was in the bathtub in Olivia's arms. Those soft, warm arms wrapped about her, the feel of Olivia's taut nipples against her back made her eyes flutter closed. Olivia's lips pressed against her shoulder.

This had to end. She was going to go insane if she kept allowing herself to be in these situations with Olivia.

Olivia opened the door with a soft smile tugging at her lips. Amanda wasn't certain what she had been expecting, for she knew she wouldn't find Olivia in a fit of tears, falling apart because of the incident. No, Olivia was stronger than that.

So she wasn't sure why Olivia's smile was so disarming, or why her heart was racing.

She felt so out of place standing on Olivia's threshold, holding the doggie bag full of what the guys had told her w ere some of Olivia's favorite foods. They'd decided that Amanda should go and check on their favorite detective that evening since she'd been out for several days. Another case had come up for the others, but Amanda had been on the job for the past twenty-four hours so Cragen had sent her away for the evening.

"Is this their idea of checking in?"

"Uh, yeah." Amanda felt her cheeks flush as Olivia held open her apartment door for her to enter.

"Come in, don't be scared." Olivia laughed, as if sensing the awkward state that had just come over Amanda. "I'm glad they sent you. I feel like I've been going crazy here for the past few days."

"They suspected that." Amanda glanced around the apartment, taking in the warm vanilla scent from a candle burning, the soft hum of a television, the folded book on the sofa next to a pair of glasses laying atop a comfortable looking throw blanket. She could just imagine Olivia all curled up and warm as she read. It felt like a scene that Amanda somehow wanted to insert herself into.

Perhaps having not slept for an entire day, however, was blurring her better judgement, making her feel as if she actually belonged here with Olivia.

"What'd they have you bring?"

"Some Thai food from a place they said you liked. I've never had Thai food before."

"You should try it." Olivia smiled. "Are you hungry? It looks like you got enough to feed an army."

"Oh, no – I mean, yeah, I haven't eaten since…" Amanda trailed off, realizing she couldn't remember the last time she'd eaten.

Olivia smiled, "Come on, join me. Fill me in on the case you got today, I've been bored out of my mind with this ridiculous crime novel Cragen gave to me. I mean do writers have absolutely no idea what police officers actually do?" She laughed as she pulled down two plates, as friendly as could be. Amanda enjoyed seeing her this way. "Wine?"

"Yes, please." Amanda grinned and watched as Olivia filled a glass for her before preparing a plate of foreign smelling foods for the both of them.

"You introduced me to Southern cooking so I will introduce you to Thai food." Olivia winked and led her to the table, settling the plates down, Amanda bringing the wine glasses. This was more than she could have asked for, having figured that she would be greeted with a kind smile and then a quick dismissal. She had not expected Olivia to invite her in so warmly.

Olivia's home felt comfortable, a haven from the world outside its walls. Against her better judgement, Amanda felt at home, comforted in a way she had not yet felt since moving to the city – perhaps even since before she moved to the city. She tried the Thai food, Olivia watching on curiously as she ate it.

"You like it?"

Amanda waved a hand over her mouth, nodding. "I…I do…it's spicy."

Olivia laughed, "let me get you some water."

And once Amanda felt acclimated to the food, finding she rather enjoyed the different tastes, how rich and vibrant they were as compared to the bland things she consumed most days, she found herself relaxing again. She told Olivia about that day's case – a missing child who had been taken by her father and they'd uncovered them hiding out in New Jersey but the kid hadn't wanted to go back to her mother so they'd looked into what had been happening and found that the dad was the more stable parent in a final, surprising twist. And soon the duo found themselves on Olivia's couch with a cup of tea in hand.

"Thanks for invitin' me to stay." Amanda grinned, looking over at Olivia all tucked up under her blanket, eyeing her over her steaming cup of tea. "I really…I really like your place."

Olivia grinned, glancing around the room. "Yeah? I've been thinking about moving."

"Why? It's so lovely. You have a fantastic view, it's just the right size…"

Olivia conceded, "I suppose so. The perfect size for just me." She had that faraway look again when Amanda glanced at her.

Amanda was never quite certain where Olivia's mind went when she looked like this. So distant, yet still there, as if a million things were racing through her mind. What were these things that made her look so far off?

"You ever think you want kids one day?" Amanda asked to break the mounting silence.

Olivia snorted. Perhaps that had been the wrong question. "I always thought I did. Now…" She shrugged. "I always thought I'd meet someone first." Her smile twisted into something uncomfortable. "I, uh…I don't want to drag you into my drama."

It was Amanda's turn to be taken aback by Olivia's momentary flash of vulnerability. For Olivia seemed so stoic, so pulled together, reigned in. And though Amanda knew that people such as this often had a lot of unspoken underlying issues or problems, she had assumed Olivia was somehow above all of this – untouchable from life's sadness. Now Amanda could see the pain that rested there behind those dark, dark eyes. A pain that she knew, a pain she recognized, could sympathize with.

"Oh, hey…you wouldn't be botherin' me if you wanted…"

Olivia glanced uncomfortably at her watch.

Amanda felt the wind knock out of her lungs. Olivia was ready to dismiss her. She could feel it. For getting too close to Olivia was off limits, wasn't it? Amanda was still new, green behind the ears for all that Olivia cared. No, she would not get to know the intimate details of Olivia's life, not that evening. Being in her warm, inviting home would be the extent of getting to know the detective on a personal level.

"Uh, well I've been awake for the past day so…I should, probably be headed out." Amanda took the cue, stood from the couch, poised and ready to leave.

But she felt Olivia's hand on her arm. "You don't have to…you don't have to rush off. I, uh…I'm sorry. I'm just not…always good at sharing things."

Amanda looked down at her, realizing that Olivia was not so closed off to her after all.

"Of course, you probably do need to leave. I, uh, understand." Oliva removed her hand from Amanda and ran it through her hair.

Amanda felt torn, for returning to her tiny apartment all alone seemed like the worse possible option in that moment. She had the strangest urge to curl up on this couch and watch her nightly shows with Olivia there beside her reading a book and sipping tea. But could that be an option? Would that be pushing a boundary?

"You look dead on your feet." Olivia amusedly noted.

"I am tired." Amanda couldn't help the yawn that came next.

"The couch isn't so uncomfortable, if you…if you wanted to stay here for the night." Olivia offered, almost hopefully.

Amanda felt as if she should say no, but there was such a strong pull to stay, to remain in this moment with Olivia, so near to her. "I don't wanna inconvenience you."

"It's no inconvenience." Olivia insisted. "You brought me dinner, after all. It's the least I can do."

Amanda opened her mouth to object, but found herself agreeing. And somehow in the haze of the evening she found herself curled up on Olivia's couch – which smelled of the older woman – beneath a pile of soft sheets. She could hear Olivia in the other room getting ready for bed. Her eyes fluttered shut, so exhausted from her day, listening as Olivia brushed her teeth, paused, moved back into the bedroom, closed a drawer, and then there was silence.

And somehow being in this place, in this apartment so near to Olivia Benson made Amanda fall into the best sleep she'd had in weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So glad you're enjoying! Please don't mind if I start changing up the formatting of the story. And also don't be upset if I can't update as frequently over the next few days. I will try my hardest but I'm flying this weekend. Anyway, hope you enjoyed. Loving your feedback. :)


	5. Chapter 5

Part 5

Her named was flashing across the screen.

Alex silenced the phone and looked back to her case notes.

"Who's calling you?" Tom looked up from his work. So unruffled, so adorably innocent.

"No one." She shrugged.

He eyed her. She smiled. He went back to his work.

She watched the phone ring out. No voicemail.

Typical.

* * *

"Hey." Amanda found Olivia sitting on the steps of the precinct, Starbucks cup in hand, looking distant and lost.

"Oh, hi." Olivia gave her a quick, distracted smile.

"You, uh, wanna be alone?" Amanda could sense that Olivia was off, needed some space.

"No, no. It's a public staircase." Olivia grinned and Amanda felt emboldened to stay.

She lit a cigarette and then sat down nearby, careful not to blow smoke towards Olivia. "You, uh, seemed kinda upset today."

Olivia nodded, staring down at her coffee cup. "Yeah, I had some…" her brow creased, as if the following words were hard to speak. "I had some family stuff."

Amanda rolled her eyes. Families. They always seemed like more trouble than they were worth. "Yeah? I'm sorry to hear that."

Olivia turned to look at Amanda. "Does your family miss you since you moved here?"

"Miss me?" Amanda watched as ash flew from the end of her lit cigarette. "Nah. I doubt they hardly even notice I'm gone."

"Not a good relationship then?"

Amanda shrugged, "it's not the easiest. I have this crazy sister. God, she causes me one headache after another. I'm glad to be far, far away from her. And my mother, well…she's a real trip."

Olivia seemed to cling to every word she spoke of her family, amused by her.

"What – what about you?" Amanda asked, hoping to learn something more of Olivia's mysterious personal life. So far she knew only what she had observed, like the fact that Olivia slept in shorts and a NYPD T-shirt, and she liked to make her eggs over-easy on top of buttered toast in the morning.

"I don't have much of a family." Olivia sighed. "It's my…it's my brother. Half-brother. He's always trying to get me to pull strings for him. Just because I work for the NYPD." Olivia scoffed, sipping her coffee.

"I know the feeling, believe me. My sister always uses my badge for her benefit." Amanda commiserated.

Olivia smiled. "I guess it's maybe better than nothing, right?"

"Maybe." Amanda remembered all the terrible situations her family had put her into and wondered if she might be a better, more capable person if she had not had to deal with them at all. Her mother, God bless her, doted on her sister. Her incapable, ridiculous sister. And it was almost as if Amanda didn't matter at all because she _seemed_ to have her life together. But didn't her mother know she needed her?

"I, I uh found out I have a niece and nephew." Olivia spoke in their shared silence, Amanda turning with interest to her, knowing that she was about to open to her. "Yeah, I've known about my half-brother for about five years – which was a shock in and of itself – but then in those past few years I haven't heard a word from him, not one peep. And suddenly I find out I'm an aunt! The girl is named after me, too." Olivia fumbled with her phone, pulling up a picture of these gorgeous creatures, a picture of Olivia holding the little girl – who did look nearly like her – and the little boy at her side. Olivia looked radiant, absolutely gorgeous surrounded by these children and yet here she was, in the present before Amanda, looking so very sad. And what right had her half-brother to have kept these children from her?

"Jesus, oh, Liv. They are gorgeous." Amanda held the phone in her hand, transfixed by the image of Olivia with these children.

"I'm worried about what's going to happen to them." Olivia bit her lip. "I mean, it really irks me. You know, I'm not saying I'm the most put together of people, but these children deserve the world, not my – not my idiot brother." Olivia took the phone back from Amanda and stared at the children.

Amanda, uncertain as to what was needed in this moment - for she had never been good at consoling anyone - reached out and put her hand on Olivia's shoulder. She could feel the older woman relax into her touch, not pull away. "It'll be okay. Especially since they have Detective Benson on their side, lookin' out for them. I guess, this would be when the badge comes in handy."

Olivia nodded, "yeah. Yeah, I guess so." She clicked her phone shut and covered Amanda's hand with her own. Those deep, enchanting eyes turned on Amanda, the corners lifting in a smile. "Thanks for listening."

"Anytime." Amanda felt their fingers lingering together, watched as they trailed, entwined, from Olivia's shoulder.

Olivia smiled warmly, squeezing her hand before the connection was dropped. Had Amanda just imagined that moment? Had they just shared some sort of passing intimacy? But Olivia was preoccupied, supposedly, maybe dating someone. This bit of gossip had come to Amanda through the harried grapevine of the precinct. There was always talk, and mostly Amanda ignored it, for Olivia seem as if she would be dating anyone. The comments she had made the other night when they were in her home…it wouldn't make sense.

There was so much Amanda still had yet to learn about Olivia. So much she _wanted_ to learn about Olivia – though was it really her place? They were becoming friends, Olivia less sharp-tongued with her now, though was there really more to it than that?

Kate had certainly been gung-ho once Amanda had reported her night spent at Olivia's. Yet, that had been little more than a formality, really. It hadn't meant more than what it had been.

"I'm always here, if you need someone." Amanda found herself saying, not sure where these comforting words came from, for she had certainly never uttered them to anyone before in her life.

Olivia eyed her again, as if taken off-guard by this remark. "You're very kind, but please do not concern yourself too much with me. I'm a big girl." Olivia patted her knee and then stood up. "Should we get back inside?"

Amanda took a final puff of her cigarette and ground it out against the cement of the stairs. She turned to stand and found Olivia's hand outstretched for her to take, to help her up. And for the second time that day their hands met.

Amanda had to be reading too much into this. Yet, somehow, she felt the words fall from her lips. "Would you wanna…do you wanna come for dinner sometime? Could I pay you back for the other night?"

Olivia ducked her head as they moved back towards the precinct. "You don't have to pay me back for anything. But…yeah. Dinner sounds nice." Olivia gave her a smile and then pulled open the door to the precinct for Amanda to enter.

Amanda's cheeks warmed, pleased for having won Olivia over yet again.

* * *

- _I need some time, Olivia._

* * *

She wasn't sure what it was that she was feeling. There was an anxious weight in the pit of her stomach, a swirl of excitement lodged in her chest. She wiped her hands on a dishtowel, glancing around her apartment again, checking for anything that might seem misplaced. She looked again to the oven, feeling somewhat nervous about the lasagna – the _only_ dish she knew how to make – afraid it might burn or melt or disappear and then there would be nothing to offer Olivia and she would feel as if she had failed.

She was straightening the towel on the oven for the thousandth time that night when she heard the buzzer. Her heart skipped a beat. She looked around one last time, feeling hopeless for her apartment was nothing compared to Olivia's warm, comfortable domain. She moved to the door, calling down that the door was open and then unlocked the door, standing nearby, but then finding that might be strange and so she moved back into the kitchen to look again at the lasagna, but then moved back to the door when she heard footsteps on the stairs. Her heart was racing when Olivia knocked at the door.

She pulled the door open and felt her knees weaken. How strange it was to see Olivia standing on _her_ threshold, so out of place, so far from the precinct. Here she was, standing before Amanda. A certain professional air had dropped away to reveal Olivia, the real Olivia, flushed from the walk through the brisk autumn air and up the stairs. She was so very human standing before Amanda with a kind smile in her eyes.

It was shocking to her that she was now ushering Olivia into her home and she felt wholly unprepared. "Uh, should I take your jacket?" Amanda fumbled, uncertain.

Olivia laughed and shrugged out of her jacket. "I'm sure if you point me in the right direction I can hang it up."

"Uh, there's some hooks here." Amanda pointed to an alcove near the door. "Did you find the place alright? I know, I'm the opposite side of town from you."

Olivia rolled the sleeves of her deep green button-up as she turned to look at Amanda. "Do I make you nervous, Rollins?"

Amanda felt her cheeks flush warm. "I, uh…"

Olivia grinned, patting Amanda soothingly on the arm. "I was just kidding. What are you making? It smells amazing. I haven't eaten since breakfast."

"Lasagna." Amanda spoke before remembering that she'd left the oven on to keep it warm and now she could smell that moment where it might just be burning and she fled to the oven to turn it off and then threw open the door to pull out the dish. Surprisingly, however, it looked perfect.

"It looks delicious. I think you're just about the first person in a very, very long time to actually cook for me. I'm impressed." Olivia joined her at the stove, eyeing the casserole dish.

Amanda stared at her triumphant lasagna, supremely proud of herself. And since her cooking had come off so nicely she then felt emboldened in her role as a hostess. She easily seated Olivia at the already set table and served the lasagna and bread and red wine. Olivia looked supremely pleased by all of it, could not help the slew of compliments and so then Amanda knew that it was good. She found she could hardly eat at all, so taken with Olivia sitting there with her, in her home. It was all so strange, new, nice.

They retired to the couch with refreshed glasses of wine, Olivia folding so comfortably, effortlessly into the couch, as if she belonged amongst Amanda's things. Amanda liked seeing her there, so open and free, unlike how she had to be at work. Her shirt had come undone at the top. Her necklaces shimmered on her chest in the dim apartment lighting.

Amanda looked away and sipped her wine. Their conversation had flowed so effortlessly, so easily until Amanda had inquired about Olivia's love life. For she figured she might as well confront it head on instead of listening to the rumors at the office. And Olivia had hesitated.

"Well, to be quite honest my _love_ life is not much of anything." She swirled the wine in her glass, watching the red liquid intently as it danced. It was interesting how she said love, as if it were preposterous.

"You're not…datin' anyone?" Amanda asked shyly, sliding a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Dating?" Olivia shook her head. "No, not dating anyone. Not now anyway." She sipped her wine and glanced up at Amanda. "Why are you so curious?"

Amanda's cheeks flushed red again. She shrugged it off. "No reason, just…making small talk."

"Are you dating someone? What about that girl, Karen, Kelly…?"

"Kate. And no, we're just friends. I told you that." Amanda laughed.

"Well, it's good to have a friend. Especially in this city." Olivia acquiesced. And Amanda thought that perhaps this was the end, that there would be no further discussion of Olivia's personal life. She really kept herself guarded. It shot off all sorts of red flags for Amanda, for she had been trained to notice these ticks in victims and suspects. Avoidant behavior, closed off comments, it should have warned her…and yet, she felt that for some reason Olivia wanted to tell her more, to share with her. "It's not always easy." Amanda had been correct. "For me, that is. It's not easy for me." Olivia was taken by her wine again as she spoke. "My, uh, my mother was raped. That's how she had me."

Amanda felt her chest constrict at this statement. It sent terrible prickles of hatred, fear, the past…all swirling together in that moment. She hated whoever had done this, and yet should she be grateful that it had produced Olivia? Lovely Olivia.

"I've never…really trusted men. Or anyone, really. I'm not very good at relationships, in fact. I think I tend to ruin everything I touch."

"I don't believe that. Not one bit." Amanda was quick to state.

Olivia looked at her, rather shocked. "Well, you should. I've hurt…I hurt people."

Amanda's brow furrowed. For how could Olivia possibly hurt anyone? She was so kind-hearted, concerned for everyone around her. Amanda had seen the way she'd been with her half-brother's kids. That was not someone who was capable of hurting someone.

"Certainly not on purpose." Amanda insisted.

Olivia looked away for a moment, pursed her lips before shrugging her shoulders. "Maybe. Maybe not. I just…get scared and run."

"Do you think…if it were the right person that maybe you wouldn't feel that way?" Amanda had often wondered this of herself. So many nights she had stayed up mulling over this very dilemma. For all the men she had thrown herself at in the past, none had ever felt right. And she wondered if this was true for Olivia.

When she glanced at Olivia then she caught sight of a deep pain in her eyes. Olivia ran a hand beneath her eye. "I don't know. I thought…maybe, but then…"

Amanda could sympathize, knew exactly what Olivia felt and she wished she could express it in words and yet all she could do was be in that moment with Olivia. She reached out her hand and covered Olivia's. Olivia relaxed into her touch, turning her hand so that their fingers could entwin.

"You've been really kind. Really, since you arrived. You didn't…you didn't need to go out of your way so much for me." Olivia glanced over at her.

"I – I can't explain it, but I want to…I want to be there for you, Liv."

Olivia looked down at their combined hands, something troubled her brow. "Amanda, I meant what I said. I'm not good at relationships."

Amanda laughed, "and you think I am? I always fuck everything up." But her heart was pounding. Racing deep and loud in her ears. Was Olivia hinting at…but her words were saying no, and yet her warm hand in Amanda's meant…and Amanda was confused, yet elated.

Olivia was smiling at her. "I feel we might be more similar than not."

"Yeah, I kinda felt that way."

Olivia squeezed her hand. "I think…" her voice trailed off.

Amanda felt as if she were holding her breath, that if she stayed completely still and didn't move a muscle then Olivia would never release her hand and they could stay in this moment forever. She wasn't sure what Olivia was thinking, nor what she might say and yet Amanda hoped…oh, how she hoped…

"I think you scare me, a little." Olivia finally admitted.

"Scare you? _You_?" Amanda couldn't help the nervous laugh that shook her.

Olivia looked away, as if ashamed. "Listen, I don't want to lead you on. I don't want to…but, I…I am intrigued by you. And I think you might feel something for me…but I, I don't feel like I'm in the right place…"

"Liv." Amanda couldn't even begin to grasp the words which had just come from Olivia's mouth, this admission shocking her. It sent an unexpected panic through her system, and then she realized that she was face-to-face with Olivia Benson, who was mirroring her inward expression outwardly.

"I shouldn't have said anything." Olivia let go of Amanda's hand and drank back the last of her wine. "I just don't want things to be awkward, I don't want…" She made as if she might stand but Amanda pulled her back.

"Liv, I…I do feel the same." And yet why did it feel so frightening, so enormous now that she was truly facing what had only been dancing about in her subconscious? Olivia was truly here before her saying these words she had somehow wanted to hear and yet it was scaring her shitless.

Olivia's brow furrowed. Wasn't love supposed to be something wonderful and triumphant? And this…this felt more like a warning than a beautiful moment. "I…I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't, you won't hurt me." Amanda couldn't fathom it, could not begin to think of anything that Olivia might do that could possibly hurt her.

"I might, I might hurt you and I would feel…so terrible." Olivia insisted.

"Can we – hang on." Amanda took both of their wine glasses and put them on the crate she was using as a coffee table. "Can we, just….are you sayin' you like me?"

Olivia looked as if she might cry a little as she nodded.

"Liv, it isn't so terrible, is it?"

"No, no it's not…it's just…" Olivia stammered.

"Liv, I've never liked a woman _ever_ before in my life. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doin' here, but I…you can't just admit that and then expect us to just go on…I mean, I…I think I like you and so why can't…I mean, sure…you might find that you hate somethin' 'bout me, I mean, I'm no ray of sunshine all the time…but…isn't that…isn't that what datin's for? I mean, couldn't we just date? You know, like normal people do, usually? No pressure, just…dating?"

Olivia was looking at her with those large, amused, watery brown eyes. Jesus, she was so gorgeous and falling apart because of Amanda? A small smile appeared in the corner of her lips. "You might not like what you learn about me."

Amanda shook her head. "Olivia, will you just date me?"

Olivia bit her lip, looking lost in thought at this concept. She was afraid, this was obvious. And yet a part of her was intrigued, for she had admitted to that. There was something in Amanda that she had come to like, felt comfortable enough with to have even broached this subject. If only Amanda could coax her out of her shell, for she was like a scared animal.

"Liv," Amanda's fingers reached for Olivia's cheek, brushing a soft strand of hair – and how soft it was – behind the detective's ear, and then let her palm rest against Olivia's warm cheek. "No pressure."

Olivia nodded, slowly at first, and then she was agreeing.

"Yeah?" Amanda felt a smile fill out her lips. The frightened feelings scurried away and she was left with a knotting in her stomach. "Liv…Liv, can I…can I kiss you?"

Olivia laughed at this and then reached out to cup Amanda's cheek, guiding their bodies together so that her full lips brushed against Amanda's, and then they were kissing, gently, warmly, the hesitancy gone as the kiss deepened for a moment and then Olivia leaned back with a cat-who-got-the-cream look on her face.

"That's okay?" Amanda thought to ask.

Olivia nodded. "Yes, I think so." She patted Amanda's arm and then stood from the couch. "I think I should be going for tonight." Olivia's voice was higher than normal.

Amanda didn't like this, not one bit, not when she was feeling what she was suddenly feeling. Her legs almost didn't want to work to lift her from the couch so she took a moment longer to stand. "Okay." She found herself muttering, for she'd just told the woman that there would be no pressure and to stand there and ask if she would stay the night – even if it were to be just laying atop her bed without even touching – would be wrong.

She followed Olivia to the door, helping her into her jacket, clasping onto the lapels of it as Olivia put her hands on her waist. They stood there for a moment, so comfortable yet still so unfamiliar to one another. "Thank you for dinner and…thank you for this." Olivia's voice was quiet.

Amanda nodded, "anytime you want a homecooked lasagna, you certainly know where to find me."

Olivia laughed and then leaned forward and brought their lips together again. Amanda pulled her closer by her lapels and Olivia grinned against her lips before righting herself again, breaking the contact. She took a deep breath before nodding. "You certainly do scare me."

"No pressure." Amanda repeated.

Olivia looked her square in the eyes and nodded firmly. "No pressure."

Once the door was closed behind Olivia, Amanda had a feeling that it would not be the last time she would visit her.

Leaning up against the door, she pressed a finger to her lips, lips that Olivia Benson had just kissed. And it didn't feel real. None of it had felt real. So ephemeral and light and Amanda was almost afraid it hadn't happened.

Until Olivia texted her at 12:06.

- _Thanks for the lovely evening and delicious meal. Looking forward to the next time…_

And then at 12:07:

_-Your lips are so soft._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not trying to lead anyone on, either. ;) We shall see how this plays itself out...Thank you for all the wonderful comments! I'm so happy to have so many of you following along. I wanted to make this a little longer because it might be a few days, but I shall leave you with this and write more when I can! :)


	6. Chapter 6

Part 6

She saw her at the courthouse. It was, perhaps, to be expected. This run in. Olivia was walking out of the courtroom, that disgusted look on her face, the one she donned when she was frustrated by something that had happened, upset when a case did not go her way.

Alex was coming from a bail hearing. It had gone the way she wanted, the creep of a guy wouldn't be able to get out on the streets and for this she was satisfied. Perhaps it helped to lighten her mood in seeing Olivia now for the first time in several weeks.

The brunette detective glanced at her phone before she looked up – as if sensing Alex there near her – and instantly their eyes met. Olivia looked bashful, a little taken aback by this run-in. There would be no way around this. They had seen one another. It would be ridiculous, childish, to turn and walk away now.

"Hey," Olivia gave her an uncertain smile.

"Hi." Alex nodded, adjusting the case files she still held in her hands. "Things going bad in there?"

"Worse than imagined. I can't believe the stuff this lawyer is coming up with. I actually think they might let him go." Olivia was internally fuming, Alex could tell.

"I hope the tides turn. I'm sure if it's as bad as it seems he'll give himself away on the stand somehow." Alex tried to console, feeling as if this conversation was a waste of breath.

"Yeah, we can hope."

The door from which Olivia had just exited swung open again and some more people began to filter out. They must have gone on a recess. A certain young blonde detective stepped out and glanced around. Eyeing Olivia she moved towards her. It was in the slight way which she brushed a hand against Olivia's arm to get her attention that made sirens go off in Alex's head.

"Hey, they took a recess. Looks like there's a new witness they want to call." The blonde – Amanda was it? – informed Olivia.

"Did you get a name?"

"Yeah, Harvey Jackson. Says he saw the guy the night of the rape and can confirm he was nowhere near 78th St."

"Jesus." Olivia swore under her breath. "Let's check the system, see if we can get anything on this Jackson."

Alex felt she was an intruder upon this scene. She watched them talk about the case, and though Olivia gave no indication, no tick or clue – Alex could feel it intuitively in the pit of her stomach. There was something more than met the eye with these two.

"Uh, nice to see you again. Sorry for interruptin' your conversation." Amanda was apologizing before she moved away from them.

Olivia's eyes trailed away with her, before returning to Alex.

"Are you seeing her?" Alex whispered, her brow creasing.

Olivia's eyes widened. She crossed her arms over her chest. "Why would you think that?"

"I could…you look close."

Olivia avoided the question. "I have to get back to the precinct. I need to dig up some dirt on this guy."

"Olivia," Alex tried to quietly derail her, knowing just how Olivia worked, knowing she was running away like she always did.

"Alex, it's not any of your business."

"That's nice, Liv."

Olivia looked at her with hurt in her eyes. Before she passed her to leave she lowered her voice. "You told me to stay away."

"You told me that you didn't want anything more than a good fuck."

Olivia cooled her features and walked away.

* * *

Amanda found she quite enjoyed the comforts of Olivia's couch. It was so soft and cozy as she fell down against its soft cushions, pulling the soft, fuzzy throw about herself.

"Looks like you're getting comfortable." Olivia grinned and handed her a cup of tea.

"It's so soft and warm." Amanda murmured. "Get down here with me." She reached up with her hand and pulled at Olivia until the older woman carefully – for she was holding her own teacup – fell to the couch so that they sat hip-to-hip, Olivia angled slightly atop of Amanda. And it was the perfect position in which to kiss so that they did.

"I'm so glad they put him away for a very, very long time." Amanda mused, continuing their conversation from earlier in the evening.

"Yes, thanks to _your_ investigative work." Olivia beamed down at her, let a hand trail against the side of Amanda's cheek. "You're very clever."

Amanda reveled in this compliment, for doing something to make Olivia compliment her meant so much to her. For she had observed this woman from afar for so long, had followed her investigative techniques and strategies from case notes and articles she could get her hands on. And now she had gotten to the point where the woman was complimenting her and it was beyond her wildest dreams. She felt her chest constrict in pleasure, pulling Olivia to her again for another kiss.

There was only one thing which had bothered her. One small question that now plagued her mind.

"That ADA, what's her name…Alice?"

Olivia's brow creased. "Alex?"

"Yeah, Alex. The one you were talkin' to the other day."

"What about her?" She felt Olivia's body shift, stiffen slightly against her.

"You have a history with her?"

Olivia blew across the top of her steaming tea. "Hmm…in what way?"

Amanda shrugged and twirled the tea bag through her own cup, watching as it created waves. "You just seemed…close with her. Was all. The way you were talkin'…"

Olivia ran her fingers over the fluffy blanket that covered Amanda's body. Amanda could feel the warmth of Olivia's hand through the material. She took a deep breath, her cheeks flushing. "Yes, I suppose we have history. I've known her for years. We worked together on many, many cases."

Amanda eyed her, feeling that perhaps there was more to this story than work. But a part of her didn't want to know, did not want to find out the truth of the situation. For she had Olivia here with her, so near to her. It was a rare night in which they had the luxury of being alone, uninterrupted by work.

And work would become at moments torturous, for Amanda would catch a glimpse of Olivia doing such mundane things and her heart would leap into her throat. Olivia in her dark rimmed glasses, intently focused on something on her laptop. Olivia with her shirt buttons slightly undone during a briefing, Olivia hounding a suspect with those unforgiving eyes – so focused on getting a confession. They were not traditionally sexy moments, but to Amanda, sometimes, she felt a flush break out across her cheeks and she wanted to pull Olivia into a stairwell and kiss her. When she looked tired after a long day, and half the office was gone, Amanda wanted to wrap her up in her arms. And yet, they did none of this. They remained professionals at work. Together, yet separate.

The occasional flirtatious text message would be exchanged on a slow day.

Otherwise, they were taken with these quiet evenings, unpressured, unhurried. And if Olivia didn't want to talk about her past with this Alex then Amanda was not going to push her. For now.

"So, uh…" Olivia broke the silence, "you've never been with a woman, then?"

Amanda felt her nipples harden at this sentence. How could she have such an effect on her? "Never."

Olivia laughed under her breath. "And you're quite certain that's what you want?" Her finger trailed over Amanda's cheek, slid down her neck.

"What a question, Benson." Amanda choked out.

"Just checkin'." Olivia winked.

"I will assume that you've done it before?" Amanda eyed her.

Olivia grinned. "Maybe a time or two." She leaned forward and captured Amanda's lips in her own.

"Mmm, that all?" Amanda smiled, taunting, teasing. Olivia kissed her way down to Amanda's neck, sinking her teeth into her shoulder, as if in a rebuttal.

"Well," Olivia sat back up, sipping her tea before settling it atop the coffee table. "I've never 'dated' a woman before."

Amanda looked at her surprised. "Really?"

"Yes, really." Olivia nodded. "There was a, uh, a case awhile back with this outspoken lesbian group leader. She cornered me, tried to tell me how it was, how _I_ was and I didn't…didn't want to admit it. It took me some time after that." Olivia rubbed her forehead. "I haven't really admitted it to anyone, really. It's been like a bad little secret."

"It's not so bad, is it?" Amanda allowed herself to reach forward, to run a hand over Olivia's shoulder.

Olivia shrugged, "no. I guess it's not." She looked at Amanda, really looked at her. "It's not as frightening as I thought it would be. You…I feel comfortable."

And Amanda knew that was a big admission coming from Olivia. She knew that for her to utter those words had taken a lot. She pulled Olivia to her, pressing their lips together. "Me, too."

Olivia shuddered in her embrace. Amanda held her tighter. "What if something – "

"Shh." Amanda kissed her forehead.

* * *

She noticed the blonde woman walking towards the courthouse steps, noting that they would run into one another's paths based upon their current trajectory. Alex felt her heart pound a little in her chest, realizing that it was perhaps inevitable.

And, as she had expected, the blonde glanced up and noticed her. She gave her a quick, squinted smile. "Hey there."

"Hello." Alex nodded as they fell into line beside one another on the steps.

"Haven't seen you around SVU for a while."

"Well you wouldn't. I've been moved to Narcotics." Alex stated coolly.

"Ah, that explains why." Amanda smiled disarmingly. Up close she was cute. Young, very young. But Alex supposed she could see what Olivia saw in her. She was tough, a little wild seeming, a little rough around the edges. Not unlike Olivia herself. Though what was it that this woman possessed that she did not? What had so enraptured Olivia with this young recruit?

Alex had wanted so desperately, in the beginning, to pull Olivia from her shell. She had been so kind, so patient. Waiting years for Olivia to finally meet her half-way, make the first move because she knew if she had pounced on Olivia it would have never happened. But she remembered clearly - as memories which replayed often enough often were, - the first time Olivia had dared to cross the line. How she had trembled and then had given herself to Alex. Because she had thought Alex was dead, that she may never see her again and then Alex had returned but had not been able to see Olivia – had worked hard not to see her – because she didn't want to be forever stuck on this woman who could not face herself, face the fact that she might be the slightest bit gay. But then after three years of no contact they had come face-to-face on a case and there had been no avoiding Olivia. And Olivia had somehow come to her senses about things and Alex had not been surprised when Olivia had shown up on her doorstep that same night that she reappeared at SVU.

And now Olivia had this new person to jerk about. Alex wasn't sure if she envied or felt for this Amanda.

"After you, counselor." Amanda opened the door at the top of the staircase.

"Thanks, detective." Alex nodded. "Nice running into you."

"Likewise."

Alex caught Amanda's eye for a moment once they had both passed through the door. "Good luck."

She left Amanda looking confused in the lobby.

* * *

"Liv, what'd she mean when she said 'good luck'?"

"Amanda, I have no idea. Maybe she was wishing you luck on your case." Olivia slunk down behind the steering wheel of her car.

"How'd she know I even had a case?" Amanda insisted, around the bite of sandwich she'd just taken.

"You were walking into the courthouse. What else would you be doing there?" Olivia rolled her eyes.

"I feel like she was talkin' about you." Amanda kept on.

"I have no idea what she was talking about."

"But you had somethin' with her. And it felt like she knew…like she suspected somethin' about me. The way she looked at me…"

Olivia put her head in her hand. "Amanda, I have no idea how she'd know. And what – what happened between us doesn't matter."

"But she was lookin' so strangely at me. Like she was jealous."

"I think you're imagining things." Olivia mumbled, hopefully.

Amanda turned to look at her. "Liv, come on. You can tell me what happened with her. I'm not…I'm not mad. I just wanna know what I'm up against here."

Olivia sat up and frowned at her. "You're not up against anything."

Amanda bit her sandwich again and looked back at Olivia. "That's not what it feels like."

Olivia reached out and put a warm hand over Amanda's knee. "Amanda, nothing is happening between me and Alex."

"Maybe you should tell her that." Amanda insisted.

Olivia removed her hand and took a sip of her water. "Look, if this isn't working then…it's okay. We can end it here."

"Liv," Amanda laughed incredulously. "I'm not tryin' to end things with you. This is not what this is about. I just didn't like the way she was actin'. That's it."

"But you're accusing me of having done something."

"Well I don't know what you did with her, so I can't accuse you or not accuse you."

"What the hell does it matter if I did something or not? I'm dating you. It's not the easiest thing I've ever done either."

Amanda's eyes widened. "Oh, so datin' me is so difficult? Really, Liv?"

"That's not – that's not what I meant." Olivia tried to reach for her, but she shifted away, opening the car door. "Where are you going?" Olivia cried, voice high, frightened.

"I just need some air." Amanda stood from the car, feeling the cool night air hitting her face. Her body was on fire. She leaned against the back door and lit a cigarette.

She heard the car door open and close behind her, but she didn't turn.

Olivia came to stand to her left, crossing her arms over her chest, as if for warmth, or perhaps to distance herself. "This is why I don't like dating people."

Amanda shook her head and blew smoke out the side of her mouth. "Liv, you don't just throw in the towel after one little argument."

Olivia shoved her hands into her pockets and shrugged her shoulders, looking down at her feet. "I'm…I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't just…it's complicated."

Amanda crossed her arms over her chest, feeling the chill acutely. "I don't need to know every detail, Liv. I just don't want her upset with me for no reason."

Olivia nodded. "Well, that's probably my fault."

Amanda glanced at her, wanting, desperately, to know what it was that had happened. Yet, feeling that it was something Olivia was afraid of sharing for the mere fact of Amanda potentially hating her. Amanda knew this had to be the case. "Hey," she stepped forward, reaching for Olivia in the darkness of the side street where they were parked. For enough away from everyone else. "I won't think any less of you. You don't have to say anything, nothing at all. Just...whatever shit you have with her, you should figure it out."

Tears gleamed in Olivia's downcast eyes.

Amanda inhaled smoke and then exhaled to her right, her hand still firmly holding Olivia. "It's fuckin' freezin' out here." She dropped her cigarette and stomped on it.

"Yeah." Olivia wiped at her eyes.

"You're ridiculously sexy right now." Amanda muttered, leaning in to press her lips to Olivia's cheek, aware of how the older woman hated her smoking habit.

Olivia smiled through her tears. "We should go back."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well...I had some time to write on the plane. ;)


	7. Chapter 7

Part 7

The knock on her was so light, she almost thought she'd missed it.

"Who's that?" Tom glanced up from his spot on her couch.

Alex glanced up from her paperwork, her heart leaping into her throat. She had a feeling she knew who it was. "I'm not sure." She slid from the barstool and moved to the foyer. She did not even check to see who it was, so certain she was that she knew.

"Olivia." Alex leaned against the frame of her front door.

Olivia shifted uncomfortably, glancing with a confused brow over Alex's shoulder. "Are you…" She ran a hand over her brow. "I, uh, I shouldn't have come. You're busy."

Alex stepped out her door, reaching for Olivia. "No, it's okay. Why did you…why are you here?"

"Al, we can…we can do this later." Olivia stepped from her grasp.

This was different. Alex could feel a shift between them. She somehow resented that Tom was in her home for she needed to know what it was that Olivia had come for. And now she was already backing away, getting ready to leave.

"Liv, are you…"

"I'm okay, it's okay." Olivia held up her hand and disappeared down the hallway.

Alex rolled her eyes and went back inside, locking the door.

Tom was standing in the kitchen with a glass of water in hand when she came back. "Who was that?"

"Uh," She brushed a strand of blonde hair from her eyes. "Olivia. Olivia Benson. You met her the other night…she's a detective."

"What did she want?" He sipped the water, looking rather quizzically at her.

"Just a, uh…case question."

"She couldn't have called?"

Alex shrugged, her shoulders tightening. "She's a friend, but she realized you were here and didn't want to bother me."

"A friend?" Tom's eyebrow rose.

Alex's heart hammered a little. She should have never disclosed to Tom the fact that she had been involved with women before. He could have gone on believing her to be the straight and narrow person he would like to believe she was.

"Yes, just a friend. I haven't been involved with every woman I know." She sighed, moving back to her work.

Tom looked at her questioningly, as if he did not quite believe her. But she decided he could believe what he wanted. Nothing had happened and nothing would happen again. She had felt it so acutely in the way that Olivia had stepped from her grasp.

After several moments of silence, she felt Tom's hands on her hips and felt his stubbly beard against her cheek before he kissed her. "I believe you."

She closed her eyes, her heart sinking in her chest.

* * *

Amanda hadn't had a moment alone with Olivia for nearly a week. They were busy with an ongoing investigation for the first half of the week and then somehow got onto opposite schedules, only seeing one another in passing and while it became frustrating, Amanda had to admit it was rather adorable when Olivia would catch her eye during a meeting, or Olivia would find a way to brush their hands, or lightly pat Amanda on the shoulder. And to anyone else it would have looked like a completely professional touch, a kind, friendly exchange, but to Amanda she knew it was more.

And so when they finally solved the Goddamn case, put the woman responsible behind bars, Amanda was elated to find an invitation, via text, to Olivia's. She made her way there, picking up a bottle of wine on the way, and – after passing a flower stand – a bouquet of gardenias because they seemed simple and elegant like Olivia. And then she was at the woman's apartment, feeling a certain relief that their hectic work-week had come to an end and also a certain fluttering in her chest.

Olivia pulled the door open with a look that could mirror Amanda's feelings. An easy smile curled at her lips and she pulled Amanda to her, crushing their lips together. Amanda melted into the kiss, surprised by the little whimper that she elicited from the brunette. Olivia pulled back and looked into Amanda's arms. "What is all of this?"

"Just some, uh, things." Amanda bashfully held the flowers out for Olivia.

"Thank you, they're lovely." Olivia grinned, holding the door wide for Amanda to press by. They kissed and then Olivia followed Amanda into the kitchen where she sat the wine atop the countertop.

And just as she was reaching for the drawer where she knew the corkscrew lived she felt Olivia's arms about her, her hands coming to rest on either side of Amanda, pinning her there. Amanda grinned, enjoying the way in which Olivia bowed her head, her breath warm against her exposed neck. Olivia pressed her lips against Amanda's neck, Amanda leaning back against her, enjoying the warmth and closeness of her body. It had been far, far too long. So torturous to be so close at work yet have to refrain from burying her face in the crook of Olivia's neck and inhaling that wonderous scent that was solely her. Now Olivia was so near to her, kissing her, a warm hand had snaked its way about Amanda's bare stomach, buried itself beneath her shirt. It seemed Olivia had missed her as much as she had missed Olivia.

"Hey there," Amanda laughed, turning so that she could capture Olivia's lips in her own.

Olivia smiled against her lips. "Do you want to order something to go with that wine?"

"Uh," Amanda muttered, turning so that she could put her arms about Olivia, holding her closer as they kissed, deeply and with more urgency than there had been before. Something was changing, deepening between them and Amanda could tell that Olivia wanted to push further but was hesitant.

Amanda let her hand wrap about Olivia, cupping her behind – just where she'd thought about touching all those days she'd see Olivia bending over the table with her tight-fitting pants…

Olivia laughed, pulling away to look at Amanda. "Do you…"

Amanda smiled, nodding her head. She pulled Olivia to her, kissing her again before taking her hand and leading her towards the bedroom.

"You're sure?" Olivia followed after her, not stopping her or trying to detract from this inevitable step in their newfound relationship. For it had been several weeks - had it been a month? - since they'd decided to try dating. And so wasn't this the logical next step? To be intimate with one another, more intimate than their stolen moments of kissing and groping about on the couch – always leaving Amanda wanting more, but Olivia seeming always hesitant to go much further.

But not this evening. This evening Olivia did not hesitate.

"Yeah," Amanda whispered, kicking off her shoes before they entered into Olivia's bedroom. She turned, pulling Olivia to her so that she could kiss her while her hands busied themselves with undoing the buttons on the taller woman's shirt. Olivia took charge then, her hands moving to Amanda's jeans, making quick work of pulling them off. Amanda found herself being led to the bed with Olivia's lips on her neck, her hands buried beneath Amanda's bra as they fell onto the bed together.

Amanda was flushed, heart pounding, center throbbing to be nearer to Olivia, wanting Olivia to touch her as she had wanted for days and sleepless nights since their first kiss. She'd seen it in her mind, the ways in which they could be together, wondering how it would feel, how it would work, and here she was in the middle of it. Olivia's body was warm and soft. When her bra was removed and Amanda was able to explore her full breasts with her hands she was in awe of them. How soft, how different from the men she had been with.

Olivia was a confident lover. She hovered over Amanda, a leg between her thighs so that Amanda thrust against her wantonly. "Are you sure?" She asked breathlessly in her ear, those lips which were kissing her so rapturously.

"Yes," Amanda grasped onto Olivia's bare behind, pulling her closer to her.

Olivia's hand trailed its way between their bodies, Amanda gasping when Olivia touched her for the first time. It was shocking, made her arousal only deepen further. She was quite certain Olivia's thigh was covered with her want. And Olivia's fingers were so perfect, as they worked against her, dipped inside of her so that she moaned, back arching, mouth coming open. Olivia's mouth ravaged her neck, as their bodies moved together.

Amanda had to close her eyes, felt her body moving towards the edge, Olivia seeming to know her body as if it were her own. And, oh, with only a few more thrusts she was falling, tumbling over, grasping onto Olivia who kissed her sweetly and held her as the waves overcame her.

"Oh," Amanda sighed.

Olivia kissed her cheek, her forehead, the other cheek. "You okay?" She asked so concerned, so sweetly, so kindly.

"Y-yes." Amanda grinned, feeling how her body had released so completely, so totally. She stretched out beneath Olivia, feeling sweaty and warm and tired. She turned her head so that she could kiss Olivia lazily. "How 'bout you?"

Olivia shifted so that she was no longer completely covering Amanda. "I'm good." She grinned and pressed a kiss against Amanda's arm.

"But, uh…you…I wanna…"

"It's okay," Olivia was smiling but Amanda could see something in her eyes. What was this?

"Liv," Amanda felt herself floating back down to earth again. And there was something in Olivia's refusal that was making her feel uncomfortable. "Why can't I…"

"Amanda," Olivia sat up on her elbows, looking at her. "I'm okay, alright. I don't need anything."

"But that doesn't seem fair. You just…"

"Amanda, I'm okay."

Amanda's brow furrowed as she watched the older woman pull herself up and move to the edge of the bed. She thought she might run away then, but Olivia pulled on her shirt and then turned to face Amanda.

"What?"

Amanda couldn't quite formulate what it was that was putting her off of what should have been a wonderful moment. For what Olivia could do…Amanda's body already ached for her again. Yet, she felt she couldn't even reach for her now. "Why can't I?"

Olivia ran a hand through her hair, her eyes falling to the messy sheets of the bed. "It's, uh…Amanda," Olivia glanced up, reaching a hand out for her. She didn't look further than their then combined hands. "It, it's not because of you. Can you trust that? Please?"

Amanda scrambled to sit up then, pulling a sheet about her yet not letting Olivia's hand go. "Liv, if you wanna talk…"

"No," Olivia shook her head. "No, not right now." She looked up at Amanda, hopefully. "Please."

Amanda's brow furled.

"Oh, sweetie." Olivia moved closer in the bed, reaching for Amanda. Amanda allowed for her to take her in her arms. She kissed her forehead.

Amanda curled into her arms, enjoying the warmth, the way Olivia smelled after intimacy. It was endearing, yet worrying. What was this that was holding Olivia back? A fear of being near to someone? A fear of giving of herself? Was she afraid that Amanda would reject her? No, she couldn't possibly feel that way.

"Amanda, please don't worry about this."

Amanda nodded, holding Olivia closer to her.

* * *

Tom was at work.

Alex was buried under case files. Yet, something was distracting her.

She glanced at her phone. Checking it. Again.

It was not as if Olivia was going to call her to explain. No, that wouldn't be in her wheelhouse. She was going to just pretend as if it had never happened, as if she hadn't come to say something to Alex.

Fuck her.

Alex picked up her phone, pulled up the contact information for Olivia.

Then turned off her screen and put her phone down.

Back to the case notes.

The phone buzzed. Alex glanced down at the screen to find a text from Tom.

Her heart had pounded in her chest, but now it stilled again.

She tossed the phone down.

She looked at her case notes, but then groaned. She needed to get it over with.

She picked up her phone and scrolled to Olivia's number. She pressed call and pulled off her glasses, pinching the bridge of her nose.

The phone rang. Again and again.

Perhaps she was busy.

Alex felt foolish. She nearly pulled the phone from her ear when she heard a voice pick-up.

"Hello? Alex?"

"Liv…hi. I, uh…"

"Al, I'm sorry I came over the other night."

"No, it's okay. It's fine."

"He was there?"

"Yeah, yeah. He was."

"I shouldn't have."

"It's fine." Alex insisted. _But why had she come?_

"I…I wanted to talk to you." Olivia finally spoke again.

"O-okay." Alex choked out.

"It's nothing bad…I just, I wanted to talk."

And how many times had she said this? How many times would they "talk"? "Okay, yes. When would be good for you?"

She heard something on the other end of the phone. "Can you meet next Thursday? Evening?"

Alex had to glance at her planner. "I think so."

So it was a date. Alex felt her heart racing.

* * *

Amanda typed guiltily in her search, glancing around the precinct to see if anyone might be looking at her. She was paranoid that someone would glance over her shoulder, particularly a certain brunette. She knew it was silly to be looking this up at work, but the phones had been quiet at SVU. As if all the perps in the city had decided to chill out for the week.

And so her mind kept wondering back to the same questions that had been haunting her since she'd left Olivia's warm, naked body those few mornings before.

Amanda had been well-versed in sexual issues. Had learned, before joining SVU, about symptoms of rape victims, sexual predations, sexual hang-ups, sexual perversities. She had thought she'd learned it all and yet she realized there were holes in her knowledge.

She skimmed down the page she was currently on, absorbing the words.

Perhaps it wasn't Amanda. Perhaps it really was something else, perhaps Olivia would want to if she could be patient, if she could wait…learn what it was that made Olivia afraid of being touched.

"What're you doing?"

Amanda felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end. Hearing that voice made her heart skip a beat. She closed out of the website she'd been on and then turned to look up at Olivia. "Hey there."

Olivia moved to lean up against her desk. "You wanna grab a bite to eat? It's dead in here."

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'd like that." Amanda nodded.

"Good, I found a new little place right around the corner. I think you're going to like it." Olivia smiled that adorable smile she had. And Amanda wanted to reach for her and pull her into a kiss, but she quickly remembered where it was that they were and what their roles were.

Professionalism had to remain. They had not yet discussed what might happen at work and, so far, they had not found themselves in a compromised position. As long as they were unpartnered they figured it would be okay.

Amanda knew that disclosing would add pressure. And somehow, she had a feeling that the less pressure the better.

And so instead of leaning in to stroke Olivia's cheek and pull her close, Amanda reached for her coat while Olivia got her own, explaining to Cragen that they were going to head out, but to call if a case came in.

And while they had lunch – Olivia's leg firmly pressed against Amanda's beneath the table, their fingers brushing somewhat accidentally, somewhat not – Amanda forgot about the questions racing through her mind. For when Olivia was near she felt secure in what it was that they had.

Perhaps next time it would be different.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay! Will try to update again very soon. This seems to be taking on its own life. Thank again for all the comments! I really appreciate hearing from you and I'm glad that you're going along with this. Thanks again!


	8. Chapter 8

Part 8

_I caught a case. Can't see you tonight. Saturday?_

Alex stared at the phone screen. She had had the sinking suspicion that Olivia would somehow find a way to back out that day. Alex had to admit that she was drowning under a pile of paperwork and understood how precarious the SVU schedule could be. Though she felt her heart sink, disappointment welled in her chest. Being away from Olivia was torture, yet being with Olivia was torture.

_Saturday could work. Early afternoon?_

_Yes, should be okay._

Alex sighed, finding that she didn't want to be alone that evening. Even if she had a pile of paperwork to tend to.

She called Tom.

* * *

Amanda opened the door, heart pounding. Olivia, smelling of the crisp air and that inexplicable perfume that was only her, whisked into the apartment, pulling Amanda into her arms and kissing her.

"Miss me, Benson?" Amanda laughed, having just left the other woman only a few hours before. They had closed the case faster than anticipated. The guy having come forward to them out of Catholic guilt. Olivia had stayed late to deal with paperwork; Amanda invited her over since it had been far too long since Olivia had held her, touched her in a way she now craved every time she was near to her.

Olivia laughed deeply, letting her bag fall to the floor at her feet. "I think you missed me, Rollins."

"Mmm," Amanda grinned as she let her hands wonder down Olivia's strong back.

It was seamless, the dance to Amanda's freshly made bed, made untidy when she pressed Olivia, half-dressed, onto the top of it. She crawled on top of her, now only in her pants and bra. Olivia's hands moved up her torso, fingers sliding beneath her bra to cover her taut nipples. Amanda's head fell back, rubbing, her jeans providing a certain friction that was pleasing.

She leaned forward, covering Olivia with her body, biting her neck before kissing her thoroughly. Olivia moaned and stretched to meet Amanda, her hands moving to cup Amanda's behind to pull her closer.

Amanda was surprised to find herself responding, her body humming without Olivia even touching her. She was so turned on, so in want that she didn't even need more than Olivia beneath her, rocking her in just a certain way and then she was panting, moaning against Olivia's neck.

The orgasm surprised her, shocked her so that she called out, grasping at Olivia who held her close to her, pressing kisses against her hair covered neck.

"Jesus…Christ." Amanda moaned.

Olivia laughed again, holding Amanda until she recovered.

"I've never…I've never…that's never happened ta me…." Amanda rolled to the side, delighting in the feel of Olivia's arm about her, holding her. Her hand rested atop Olivia's naked stomach, rubbing light circles over her smooth, olive skin.

"Guess you were ready." Olivia turned her head to kiss Amanda's cheek.

"You seem to have that effect on me." Amanda purred, her fingers snaking beneath Olivia's bra to roll over Olivia's nipple.

"I'm, uh…I'm sorry. About the other night." Olivia whispered, her fingers trailing over Amanda's arm.

Amanda's fingers moved down Olivia's torso, swirling down to where her pants were still buttoned. Olivia's hand covered her hand. "Liv, you know I just wanna…"

"I know, sweetie." Olivia took her hand in her own.

"But why?" Amanda whined and hated herself for doing so.

Olivia tickled her arm, not speaking.

Amanda sat up, looking down so that she could see Olivia. "Liv…you can trust me."

Olivia fought to meet her eyes. "I-I…you have to know…you have to know it's not you."

"But it feels like it is." Amanda ran a hand through her hair, sitting up.

"Amanda, it's not…"

"Then tell me, Liv. It makes me feel like I'm – like I'm a predator, or somethin'."

"What?" Olivia sat up then, wrapping her arms about herself. "I don't want you to feel that way."

"Well, how do you expect me to feel if I can't touch you?"

"I wish it didn't have to matter so much." Olivia's cheeks reddened.

"Liv, I'm not gonna hurt you, I want to share this with you."

"I know, Amanda, I know that." Olivia ran a hand through her hair, looking uncomfortable, as if she might run.

Amanda wanted to reach for her, to hold her close and tell her that it would all be okay, that she wouldn't hurt her. And yet Olivia made her feel as if she couldn't even touch her without bolting.

"Did…did someone hurt you?" Amanda whispered, wanting to know.

"No, no…" Olivia put her head in her hands, pulling her legs up to her chest. "No, it wasn't a rape."

"What was it then?" Amanda sat up, reaching out to place a hand on Olivia's calf. It seemed a safe enough place to touch.

"I can't…it's nothing, it's ridiculous."

"It's not ridiculous if it's effectin' you. I…I wanna know."

Olivia laughed morbidly. "Amanda, come on."

"What?" Amanda retracted her hand.

"I mean, we're just…"

"Wait. Wait…you're not going to try and say that this is some non-committed relationship and why should I care. Because whether you want to know it or not, I care about you. A lot. I'm fuckin' serious about you. And I know that probably scares you – hell, it scares me – but I…I'm not goin' anywhere."

"Oh, Amanda." Olivia looked as if she might cry and instead of crawling to Amanda she twisted and moved to stand up.

"Why are you runnin' away?"

"I told you…I told you from the beginning I'm not good at this."

"That's bullshit, Olivia. Liv, come on. Don't leave." Amanda crawled from the bed, trying to reach for the older woman who was becoming ridiculous. For at the first sign of fear she was off and running. And Amanda wasn't sure she could be strong enough to shoulder this for the both of them. She needed Olivia to meet her halfway. She needed Olivia to see that she was on her side.

"No, I should probably get home. I have more paperwork." Oliva was putting her shirt back on.

"Liv, stop. You've gotta stop this."

"Amanda," Olivia looked her dead in the eyes. "I told you from the beginning I was bad at this."

"You're not bad at this you're just afraid."

Olivia hummed.

"Liv, come on. Let's get some food. Let's talk about this."

"I need some time. I need…I'm sorry." Olivia reached for her bag and her coat and she was out the door.

"Fuck." Amanda pushed the accumulated mail from her table to the floor as the door shut behind Olivia.

She would drive her insane, she was quite sure. For underneath all of this running away there was a beautiful sincerity and loveliness that drew Amanda to her, made her want to make things work. But if Olivia couldn't have a Goddamn conversation with her…well…

She fumbled through her bag for her pack of cigarettes, lighting one before flipping on her television. She fell down onto her couch, feeling horny and angry. And of course, there in front of her, was a football game.

 _Fuck_.

* * *

Nerves settled in the pit of her stomach as she opened the door.

Olivia stood on the other side, her brow creased. What was wrong? Alex could already sense that something was off.

"Hey." Olivia's voice was low. Her hands were tucked away in her pockets.

"Come in." Alex held the door open, ushering the other woman in.

Olivia looked uncertain as she came to stand in Alex's kitchen, the sun from the window highlighting the golden strands in her hair.

"Do you want some tea…coffee?"

"Uh, no. No." Olivia shook her head.

"Okay." Alex ran a hand through her hair. "So…you, uh, wanna talk?"

"Yeah," Olivia leaned up against the counter. "I, uh, wanted to apologize."

Alex nodded her head. "For, uh, what?"

"Al, this isn't easy for me."

"Nothing is ever easy for you. Does she know that?"

"Jesus." Olivia shrunk back. "No, don't…don't do this."

Alex took a deep breath and stepped away from Olivia, leaning up against the kitchen wall. "Alright, you're right. I'm sorry."

"Alex, I feel like shit, okay? I feel torn apart because I know how you feel and I…"

"You don't feel the same. I know." Alex bowed her head.

"I did…I do…"

"You don't, Liv. You're fucking that detective."

"You're sleeping with that guy." Olivia shot back.

"So I guess that leaves us here." Alex pushed off from the wall and moved to put the tea kettle on the stove.

"Yeah," Olivia watched her. "Maybe it's for the best?"

"Because you don't have any feelings for me and you don't want to be with me. You can't be with me?"

Olivia took a deep breath. "Why didn't you call me when you came back?"

Alex turned, surprised. "What?"

"When I heard you were back from witness protection, you never contacted me. I called…I called you. You never answered."

Alex felt herself shrinking. "I…I couldn't. I…"

"Al, please." Olivia looked at her seriously.

"Okay, uh…they took me to this, this town in Wyoming. It was so small, so…remote. I was a lawyer for the town, but hardly had much more than little claims. I, uh, I met a woman who worked at the library. She was very kind…"

"So you…had a thing with her?" Olivia crossed her arms.

"Uh, yeah. And I felt…guilty. Even though nothing had happened between us, I…I missed you. And I couldn't contact you."

"Alex," Olivia reached for her arm then. "I had no idea…"

"I didn't know where we stood…I thought that you deserved to have someone better and, frankly, I wasn't even certain if you were gay or not. I mean, we'd certainly teetered on the edge of things, but I hadn't wanted to upset the boat. I mean…you get squeamish at the first sign of feelings."

Olivia rubbed her forehead. "I…I know. It took me too long to figure it out."

"But now you have Amanda." Alex took the boiling tea off the stove and poured it into two waiting cups.

Olivia laughed warily. "I don't know about that anymore."

"What happened?"

Olivia accepted the proffered cup of tea that Alex held out for her. "Uh ... you know me."

"Too well." Alex tucked a strand of Olivia's hair from her cheek, before realizing that they were not on this intimacy level at the moment. And she was beginning to wonder if they would ever again. "Are you…"

Olivia nodded, her cheeks flushing. "What if…uh, I…oh, Al. I shouldn't be talking about this with you."

"I mean, I don't enjoy hearing about this. But I thought, you know, for a while that maybe it was just me."

"No," Olivia shook her head. "No, it wasn't you. It was me. It's me."

"You wanted it to be different with her?"

Olivia nodded, sipping her tea. "I'm sorry. I know this isn't what you want to hear."

"No, but I guess it makes me feel better."

"Nice." Olivia winced.

Alex covered her hand with her own, their fingers entwining. "Hey, you're not broken, Olivia."

Olivia looked as if she might cry. She wiped a hand under her eye.

"Hey…" Alex whispered, wrapping Olivia up in her arms. And when she did she felt Olivia break down against her shoulder. The all-mighty and powerful Olivia Benson was falling apart before her and she didn't know what to do.

Olivia's wet lips on her own were somewhat surprising yet felt inevitable. The kiss lingered for a moment and then Olivia sat the tea cup down on the counter. "I'm sorry, Al. I'm sorry."

Alex realized that this talk of theirs had done little to assuage the questions circling about in her mind.

"I should…"

"Go." Alex nodded, taking the half-drunken tea from her hands and motioned towards the door.

* * *

Amanda pulled at her cigarette, sick to her stomach.

She'd just put two grand into a basketball game. A game that had suddenly turned on her. She wasn't sure how she would recover this time, not sure where to go, who to turn to now because Fin had helped her the last time but she was too ashamed to call him this time. This time would be bad. Cragen had been pulling for her, took care to make sure she was going to meetings and until now…

She pulled a piece of ash from her tongue and refused to glance back into the bar where she'd just been watching the game and drinking herself silly.

A meeting…a meeting would be good now. But she felt too ashamed to do even that at this point.

Fuck Olivia. Fuck her.

She hadn't texted or called after leaving Friday evening. Not one word.

Amanda pulled her phone out of her pocket, falling back against the brick of the bar wall. She pulled up her texts and scrolled to Olivia's messages. The phone was a blur, she couldn't make out the letters very well and so she pressed the little call icon and the phone was ringing before she could think better of what she had done.

The phone rang and rang and rang.

What time was it even? Amanda had been at the bar all afternoon. Was it late? Where would Olivia be? Was she fucking that ADA?

Amanda grimaced at the thought.

The phone flipped over to voicemail and Amanda angrily hung up.

Why would Olivia want to be with her anyway? She was a fuck up. She'd run to her weakness at the first sign of danger.

If only Olivia had stayed…if only Olivia could fucking talk to her.

She'd see her tomorrow. She'd see the woman at the office. Somehow that made Amanda's stomach twist. She felt sick.

What the hell was she doing?


	9. Chapter 9

Part 9

Amanda hid herself away behind a veil of hair. She knew her eyes were bloodshot, her head was pounding from having drank herself silly, her throat hoarse and sore from too many cigarettes. She felt like hell and it was only Monday. She was two thousand dollars lighter and sunk.

She heard Olivia's voice before she saw her. She was greeting Amaro, sounding fine and chipper.

Amanda turned away from her voice, buried her head in a case file that had been passed off to her, knowing that if she looked up then Olivia would see, would _really_ see her and she didn't want that. She wanted to be invisible.

But Amanda knew that she could see her sitting there.

"Hey," Olivia was addressing her and it would be rude to ignore her.

"Hey." Amanda answered back curtly without looking up.

"I- I, uh…" Olivia's voice softened, rising to a higher than normal level. "I'm sorry I didn't get your calls last night."

Amanda shrugged. "Doesn't matter."

"Amanda," Olivia's voice was softer, closer. "It does matter. I just…I needed some space. Hey," Olivia had reached out and pulled back the blonde curtain of hair so that she could see her face. Amanda's cheek went red. Were people watching this? "Are you okay?"

Amanda bit back the tears that were threatening to drop from her eyes. _No, no. How could she possibly be okay?_ "Yeah, sure."

"Amanda, can we…will you grab coffee with me?" Olivia sounded genuinely very concerned at that point.

Amanda glanced up, catching Fin's eye. He was giving her that probing, worried look. Why was everyone so Goddamn concerned with her? Couldn't they just let her be? She could do her job just fine. Why did they have to be in her outside business?

Of course, Olivia had become her outside business…

Anything was better than sitting in the crib with everyone looking at her. So what if Olivia saw her sad state. There was always something comforting about Olivia. "Yeah." She got up without facing the older woman and grabbed her coat.

They didn't talk for a long time. They walked down the street, side-by-side. Olivia's hands were crammed in her pockets and yet she stayed close to Amanda. Amanda could feel the warmth from her person.

"I shut my phone off last night, I just…I needed to think." Olivia finally admitted once they were several blocks from the precinct. "Hey, I didn't…I don't want to hurt you like this. I feel terrible that I can't…"

"Liv," Amanda took a shaky breath. "It's really probably for the best if you're fucking that ADA and not me."

"Amanda," Olivia stopped dead in her tracks, reaching for her arm. "I'm not fucking her. I want…I want to be with you."

The wind knocked out of Amanda's lungs. She wanted to be with her? No, no.

"Where did this come from? What's going on?" Olivia took her arm, leading her to a nearby park bench. It was secluded behind some foliage, no one would notice them there unless they passed by on the path.

"Olivia, I…" Amanda couldn't stop the tears now. "I, uh…have a little problem."

Olivia's brow furrowed. "Are you in trouble? What's the matter?" She ran her fingers over Amanda's tear stained cheeks, her look of concern so deep.

"I have a, uh…I gamble."

Olivia frowned. "Like you play the lottery every now and then? Casinos?"

"No, uh…I bet on sports." Amanda's voice was nearly non-existent.

"Sports…uh, okay." Olivia nodded, still holding her hand, still looking her straight on. "Like, what, a few dollars down on a game or something?"

"Like a few thousand." Amanda looked down to her lap, ashamed.

"Uh…oh." Olivia nodded again, squeezing her hand a little tighter. Whether in an attempt to console her or chastise her, Amanda wasn't certain.

"I, uh, that case we had. Few months ago. With the guy who ran the gambling ring. I knew him. I…he found me and beat me up."

"He what?" Olivia clasped on tighter.

"I got myself in trouble. It was my own fault. I'm a fuck up, Liv. I fucked up."

"No, you just…you made some bad decisions."

"But I keep makin' them." Amanda gasped through tears. "Cragen's gonna have my badge."

"He…he knows?"

Amanda nodded. "I had to tell him. He put me in gambler's anonymous."

"And so this weekend…"

"I got upset. There was a game on after you left." She hoped that had not sounded accusatory, for she knew it had been on her, not on Olivia. She had decided to make this bad decision.

Olivia rubbed her forehead, still not letting Amanda's hand go. "I…I had no idea."

"Liv, it's not your fault. It's…it's me. You don't want to get involved with me." Amanda tried to remove her hand from Olivia's but Olivia held tight. She was silent as they sat there, her eyes wondering about the garden they had found themselves in. As if taking in the information which Amanda had just told her, trying to formulate what to say, what to do. "Liv, it's okay to walk away." Because she seemed so good at that. So very good.

Olivia sunk back, shaking her head. "You know, I, uh, I went to Alex's. The ADA, I went to see her Saturday."

Amanda glanced at Olivia, not saying a word.

"We've…we were involved for years."

Amanda felt a pain in her chest. She leaned forward, as if she might vomit.

"Amanda, I didn't do anything with her once we…once you showed up. Completely out of the blue. You…you were a surprise to me. And I thought, well…she couldn't like me if she knew how hot and cold I'd been with Alex. How terrible I've been to her…but you were so convincing, so persuasive and I felt…like I could be comfortable with you."

"Are you breakin' up with me?"

"What? No…I'm trying…I'm trying to explain myself. I saw Alex on Saturday and I…I kissed her, yes, but it wasn't the same. I was thinking about you, about us. How I was ruining things." Olivia's phone started ringing. "Shit." She pulled it from her pocket and answered, still not letting Amanda go. "Okay…yes, we'll be there soon."

"Cragen?" Amanda rubbed her free hand over her cheeks, feeling utterly ridiculous for having just cried like a child.

"Yeah, there's been a murder. A little girl." Olivia shook her head in disbelief.

"We'd better…" Amanda moved to stand up but Olivia held her back.

"Hey, this isn't over. Will you come over tonight?"

Amanda's stomach welled with a mix of nerves and fear. For what would Olivia have to say to her? She had yet to make comment on Amanda's issues. And she had kissed Alex…she had run from Amanda and kissed Alex on Saturday and this made the hair on Amanda's neck stand on end, a warm jealousy surged through her.

Yet, Olivia speaking, opening to her…

* * *

It was different, somehow. The fact that Olivia had come to her and they had actually held a conversation without falling into the silence of intimacy. Yes, she'd kissed her. Perhaps it had come out of habit, perhaps out of lingering feelings that neither could seem to resolve. Yet, she knew that something had shifted between them.

She had recognized the fear and concern in Olivia's eyes at the realization that she may have some issues with touch. Alex remembered the first time, how Olivia had come to her, had opened up to her, kissed her there on the doorstep and then Alex had taken her to bed and then in the midst of the heated kisses and heavy petting Olivia had frozen. There had been that look of fear and concern and Alex had tried to kiss it away, but Olivia hadn't been willing to let her go further.

Alex had suspected some kind of trauma, some underlying issue. Yet, she also had known women who didn't like touch so she had let it slide. It had not been discussed after that evening and their nebulous love affair had continued on. Alex never wanting to push, Olivia pulling away.

And Alex knew that deep down Olivia was a good person. She knew that this was behavior that had been built up as protection. And while she had wanted to be the person who could disarm her, Olivia's actions had worn her down.

It had become so hateful, so angry between them.

Tom, Tom was a shining beacon at the end of the tunnel. Tom was uncomplicated, took and gave. Did not have the trauma that Olivia Benson had faced. And yet, Tom was not Olivia.

Alex groaned. She could not torture herself like this. She knew, deep down, that Olivia was lost to her.

Had that kiss been a goodbye?

* * *

Olivia had pulled her hair up into a messy bun. She let Amanda into her apartment but the greeting was sterile, a wall up between them. Olivia did not lean in to kiss her, only helped her from her coat and put a soft hand on her shoulder before leading her into the living room.

"I guess we have some things to talk about." Olivia sat a bit more rigidly than usual.

Amanda nodded, looking down at where her hands rested atop her lap. There was only one question on the tip of her tongue, a question that had haunted her all the rest of the day, every time she would happen a glance at the older detective. "You kissed her?"

Olivia looked down then and nodded. "Uh, yeah. It…I get scared. And I run. You…you know this."

"But you're not…you're not gonna run now?" Amanda looked up to face Olivia.

There was shame etched deep in her face. "I never meant to hurt you…I…Amanda, I wanted things to be different. With us."

"Is it over between you and the ADA, then?" Amanda asked shyly.

Olivia whisked a strand of hair from her face. "That's what I was trying to talk to her about. See…we-we weren't involved at first. She was the ADA for SVU and we grew close. I had a feeling that she wanted something more, but I wasn't ready…and then she was shot. I thought…I thought she'd died and I was…crushed."

Amanda felt herself instinctively reaching out. Olivia shyly, gratefully took her hand in her own.

"It turned out they wanted to make it look as if she'd died and she was put into witness protection instead. We lost touch for over a year, until they caught the guy and then she came back but was gone from my life. I didn't see her for three more years, not until she popped up out of nowhere on a case and I realized I still had feelings for her and I had to know…I had to know if I could be with a woman. And…it turned out I could…except…"

Amanda's brow furrowed. "You…you couldn't with her either?"

Olivia shook her head. "I was so ashamed and yet…she was a comfort because she was the only one who knew about me. I didn't want – I didn't think I was ready to come out, not when I was having issues. I thought maybe I needed to be with a guy. I dated this…this DA for a while, but it didn't seem right either. I just…" Olivia sniffled then sat up. "So…you see we both have our things. Maybe you don't want to be with me, either."

Amanda shook her head. "No, Liv. This is…it's different. I just got upset and threw away money. It's…it's different."

"Because I hurt you. And I don't want to do that, Amanda."

"Are you gonna do it again? Because I don't think I can..."

'No." Olivia shook her head. "No." She put her head in her hands.

"I need…well, I need to get myself out of this hole. I need to get myself together. I don't want to hurt you in the process, either. I need to clean up this mess I got myself into. Preferably before Cragen finds out. I need…I need stability."

Olivia bit her lip, nodding. "I've really messed up, haven't I?"

"Liv, maybe we…maybe we need to step back and think about this. Maybe we need some time." Amanda found herself acting as an adult for this situation seemed as if it could use some time to heal. Perhaps it was for the best.

"So…that's, what? It? For now? For good?" Olivia had tears in her eyes and Amanda wanted to kiss them away. But she held back. Knowing that this would be for the best. They needed some time to think apart from one another. Olivia had her shit to figure out and Amanda had her own shit.

"For now." Amanda felt tears in her own eyes and she longed to lean forward and wrap herself about Olivia, pull her close and hold her against herself. They were both in pain. They both needed help. Could they really save one another? "What if we…how about in a month. We'll meet up in a month and see where things stand."

Olivia nodded reluctantly.

Even though Amanda had said it she realized a month was going to feel like an eternity. Or would it not be enough? How was she to know? She was only beginning to trust herself again after all that had happened in Atlanta. She had thought being with Olivia might somehow erase her past, wipe her slate clean and so far it had only brought her back to her addiction, her sickness. She had wanted New York to be different. She was only falling into old patterns.

The parting felt as if someone had stuck their hand in her chest and ripped her heart clean out. Olivia gave her a hug, which turned into a lingering embrace. She kissed her neck as they stood together in her front foyer.

"Amanda?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you going to be okay? You're…you're going to get help?" They stood apart, Olivia looking deep in her eyes with all the concern in the world. It was breathtaking…shocking to the system.

"Y-yes. Yes, I'm going to get back on track. I promise."

"I'm glad you told me." Olivia pulled her close again. "I…I hope things are better. In a month." Olivia whispered. "You'll let me know if you need anything…anything at all."

Amanda nodded, inhaling Olivia's scent as if to never forget it – as if they wouldn't be back to work the following day, so near, yet now so far apart.

A month. Would things change? Could they salvage this?

* * *

Alex was having her usual after-a-loss-in-court drink when Olivia slid into the bar stool beside her. As if the day couldn't get any better…

"I heard about the case."

"Yeah, it was a shit show. They're gonna let him go free and he's going to be back out there in his cushy office running his drug ring in no time. Fucking white guys." Alex drank back the amber liquid and then sat the empty glass on the bar. "What're you doing here?"

"Didn't want to go home." Olivia admitted and then flagged down the bartender to order a drink for herself and another for Alex.

"Things not going well, then?" Alex glanced at her over her glasses.

Olivia shook her head, dipping her head down. "I've been…I've been seeing my therapist again. It's been good."

Alex nodded. "I think that's always wise. Especially in your line of work."

Olivia agreed. "I messed things up. With you. With Amanda."

Alex felt her heart thudding. "So…things are…"

"Off. With her. For now. I told her." Olivia looked at Alex. "I told her that I kissed you."

"Well, that is certainly big of you." Alex nodded.

Olivia laughed coldly. "We had a long conversation about some things and she decided we should take a break."

"Maybe it's for the best?" Alex inquired.

"I think - " Olivia looked at the drink that had been sat before her. "I think I want to make things work with her, though."

Alex's heart leapt. To hear Olivia admit to this, to hear that she wanted things to work out with the young detective made it seem that all of her fears had been confirmed.

"Al," Olivia turned to her. "Alex, I've always enjoyed having you. I'll always be grateful to you for everything that we've been through, for helping me get to know myself, but I…"

"Jesus," Alex gasped.

"What?" Olivia looked up at her wide-eyed.

"You're in love with her…"

"What?" Olivia's eyes went glassy. The fear was creeping in.

"Stop…stop panicking." Alex covered her hand with her own.

Olivia bit her lip and then took a large sip of her drink.

"Liv, I won't lie and say that I didn't want you to love me, but you…you owe it to yourself to let yourself feel this."

Olivia remained silent, staring into the liquid surface of her drink. "It's so hard."

Alex nodded, feeling the upset welling deep down. Perhaps once she was home she would cry, but for now she was stoic, calm in Olivia's presence. "Liv, you should talk to her about this."

"Al, Alex." Olivia glanced up, wide-eyed, hand reaching to cover Alex's arm.

"What?"

"Alex, I never meant to hurt you. You have to know that, right? You…I need you to still be in my life. Can you…will you do that?"

Alex bit her lip, felt how deeply Olivia was holding onto her arm. She could only nod a weak nod. "I need to get home. Tom's there." Tom, Tom was waiting with dinner. Could she love Tom?


	10. Chapter 10

Part 10

She stared at him. Sitting across from her. His reading glasses sliding down his nose. His hands flipping through the paper. So calm, so confident in all that was about him.

And she felt a bit like her world was falling apart.

He looked up at her with his cool blue eyes. If they were to have children together they would have the clearest blue eyes. She was certain of that.

But the thought of having children with him made her stomach knot.

"Hey, you okay?" He got up from his spot on the couch, moving to her, pulling her into his arms.

She shook her head. Tears threatening to fall from the corners of her eyes. She'd been crying since the previous evening, only stopping when he'd arrived that morning with breakfast. She was quite certain her face was puffy and swollen. It was striking to her that he would only just now notice that something was wrong. Olivia would have noticed immediately. Olivia noticed everything.

"No." She admitted, too exhausted to pretend any longer. Too exhausted to keep up this charade. She'd thought having something uncomplicated and nice and new would help her move away from Olivia. Only Olivia had lingered and Alex had cheated on kind, sweet Tom with her. And that wasn't fair, was it?

"What is it?" He looked at her with a concern she had never seen him display. He was perceptive and sensitive for a man, but he rarely truly looked at her like this. And she couldn't leave it at this, pretend like it didn't matter, because it did.

"I think…God, I'm so sorry. You're such a wonderful guy." Alex felt tears stinging her eyes.

"Whoa there." Tom pulled her to his chest, but she pushed back from him.

"Tom, Tom I think we need to talk." Alex moved out of his grasp and went to the other side of the kitchen.

"Talk? About what? What's happening?"

"You remember Olivia? Olivia Benson, the one…she came over a few nights ago and you…"

"Yeah, she had some business or something. What about her?"

"Tom, I love her. I'm in love with her." The words were so much easier to admit out loud than she'd thought they would be. It was too little too late, though. For Olivia did not love her so she had no idea where these words had come from.

"You…what? But you said…"

"I know. I know, but listen. I can't keep this up. I care about you. I really, really do. I thought I could make this work, but I…and you know the worst part?"

Tom was looking at her completely bewildered, as if someone had pulled the rug out from under him.

"The worst part is that I am telling you this and there is absolutely no chance in hell that she loves me in return. She's in love with someone else. Yeah, she's in love with this young detective. So I'm an idiot for even telling you this."

Tom stood back, a wall going up about him. He no longer had that kind, concerned look in his eyes. No, now she recognized hurt, wounded pride. And she hated herself for having done that to him.

"Fuck. Tom, I'm s-sorry."

"No. No, you know what. I'm glad you told me so that we could just end this now. You know, before it got too serious." He nodded, glancing around her apartment for his things. Moving to pick them up one at a time.

"Tom…Tom…I can't…I didn't mean…oh, God. I'm such an idiot."

"No, you just don't feel about me what you feel about someone else. I guess that happens." He pulled his coat back on and tucked the newspaper beneath his arm. "Just…don't call me. For awhile."

"Tom, Tom…you don't have to leave."

"Alex," he caught her arm. "I think you know as well as I do that this is over."

Tears caught in her eyes, spilled over and down her cheeks, blurring her vision behind her glasses. She hardly saw Tom as he made his way out her door. She only heard the click behind him.

* * *

"Rollins."

Amanda glanced up to find Fin standing near her desk. He looked around the nearly empty precinct and then leaned over to her.

"You – uh – got everything under control?"

Amanda felt her cheeks redden, as if she were a child being scolded by a parent. "Uh, yeah. Yeah. I got a little off-track, but I'm…I'm working on it. Going to a meeting tonight." She spoke barely above a whisper before she made her own glance around the crib, afraid that Cragen or Olivia would walk by.

"You need any help?"

"No…no, I'm managing. But thank you." She smiled up at Fin.

"I'm glad to hear you're getting help."

She nodded, wishing she could curl up and hide. She hated when people made such a fuss about her. She didn't need to be watched over. She knew when she'd done something bad. She knew to fess up to her wrongdoings. She felt ashamed enough as it was, why must everyone remind her?

Only, she realized that Fin was trying to be helpful. Was looking out for her because he was her partner.

"You wanna talk about it?" He seemed to sense her unease.

"Not really." Amanda bristled, closing her laptop and looking up to meet Fin's eyes. There was a glimmer there, a certain knowing that made her realize that she was not as transparent as she had hoped.

"She's really something, isn't she?" He spoke as if knowing just what she was thinking about. "She's just about the most rule-abiding, stick-in-the-mud detective there is, yet she's completely clueless when it comes to matters of the heart."

"How did…"

"I have eyes. Besides, she's been struggling since Cabot showed up. I saw all the angst she put herself through. Completely unnecessarily because we all couldn't have given a care about who she was with. But she really beat herself up about that, never wanted to talk about it, didn't want to acknowledge it. But…she's been different."

Amanda felt her cheeks practically glowing red. "Ya'll knew?"

Fin shrugged. "It's not so hard to figure out. The way she looks at you, shit."

Amanda looked over her shoulder then as if Olivia would be sitting in her seat looking at her. But she'd gone home an hour ago. Or else out to a bar. She seemed to be doing that more often. Amanda had happened by one evening and saw Liv drinking alone. Or with Amaro, or someone else from the precinct.

She could tell that the brunette didn't want to go home alone any more than she, herself, wanted to go home alone.

She looked down at her calendar. It had been twenty-three days since they'd left things.

Amanda was halfway through paying back her debts. By her next paycheck she'd have it nearly managed. She'd worked some extra shifts, used some money she'd had in reserve. She wanted to pay that back before the end of the month. She wanted to have this weight lifted off her shoulders.

She'd been to a meeting every day. She'd watched ridiculous reality television to keep her mind off sports. She'd done everything imaginable to be good, to get herself back on solid ground.

In the middle of the night, though, when there was only the sound of sirens and passing cars and nothing else to occupy her mind she thought of Olivia. And she missed her. She missed her arms about her, missed the way she kissed, touched her.

"But we're…we're not…"

Fin gave her a look and then stood back up to his full height. "Save the bullshit, Rollins. Want an escort to that meeting of yours?"

Amanda grinned up at Fin. What a guy. "Sure. If you let me buy the coffee tomorrow."

"You know how much I like to get you that good shit."

"It is good shit." Amanda found herself smiling and laughing for the first time in days.

* * *

She was drinking because she wasn't sure what else she should be doing. The case brief laid finished on her desk. She'd gone over the evidence a thousand times, had a laser focus on what she wanted to accomplish the following day in court and so instead of going home she was at a bar.

She'd forgotten about this little dive in her neighborhood, with its low music and cheap drinks and copious women. Men were a dime a dozen at the place.

And somehow Alex felt that maybe she needed a break from men for a bit. For her foray with Tom had not given her what she was looking for.

She drank back her wine, hardly pausing to taste the inner notes and keys and overtones of the oaky vintage. Her mind was raising a mile a minute and the poison didn't matter. Only her thoughts did.

So, she didn't have Tom. And she didn't have Olivia.

"What're you drinking?" A low, smooth voice inquired from somewhere beside her.

"Uh, a merlot. I think." She really didn't remember.

"A merlot, you think? Darling, you can't possibly have just ordered any ordinary wine. Wine isn't really even a drink that you drink to get drunk, so I'm assuming you're not in the right state of mind to be drinking at all and perhaps you should just down a bottle of Everclear if you're going to be that way."

Alex looked up as the voice beside her spoke, more and more intrigued as words flowed forward, shocking her system out of her grim reverie. "I'm sorry…who are you?" Alex, found her eyes adjusting to meet the form of a slender older woman, her gray hair blown out to perfection, her body encased in the stereotypical New York black, her eyes hidden behind dark-rimmed glasses.

The woman's fire-red lips turned into a smile. "Oh, no one very special. Just noticed you sitting here all alone and thought I might buy you a drink. But you're not even drinking well so I might as well send you home for the evening. A merlot, you think. I mean really."

Alex looked at this woman with amusement. For who was this eccentric woman and why did she feel strangely drawn to her? "And what would you have me drink?"

The woman leaned forward and ordered what Alex suspected was an expensive bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and then the woman motioned for her to follow her from the bar. Alex slid from her stool, following the woman, as if welcoming this strange distraction.

The woman folded down into a booth in a far corner and Alex joined her on the other side. She had to be somewhere near sixty, yet she looked dazzling, playful, youthful.

"What was in that pretty little head of yours? Someone break your heart? Did you break someone's heart?" It was as if this woman was reading her mind.

"A little of both." Alex spoke as she watched a waiter ceremoniously uncork the black bottle of red wine, pouring it into each glass and then leaving the bottle atop the table.

"Should really be put through a decanter, but who the hell has time for that."

"What is your name?" Alex took in her drinking partner.

"Joan."

"Joan. I'm Alex."

"Alex. Alexandria?"

"Alexandra."

"I see." Joan nodded. "Very beautiful, indeed."

Was this woman coming on to her?

"So you've broke someone's heart and they've broken yours?"

"Well, really two different people." Alex found herself explaining, for who better to listen than this woman who was willing to listen.

"Sounds like hell."

"Yeah, might as well be. I really…I really loved her. And he, well he was nice."

"Ah, the difference between a man and a woman." Joan grinned, leaning forward on her hand. "So you have deep feelings for her yet felt iffy about him?"

"I'd known her longer…I had more of a history with her…"

"Yes, yes. But she strung you along with no real closure. Probably because she's not willing to admit she might like the fairer sex?"

"Well," Alex shrugged. "I think she's admitted it now, only she'd decided on someone even fairer than me." She took a deep gulp of the expensive wine – this time noticing how smooth and flavorful it was, appreciating the liquid as it went down. "You know the damnedest thing about it all?"

"What's that, darling?"

"She's fallen for two blondes. And both of our names start with an A. I mean, Jesus Christ. At least like someone with some other distinguishing characteristic!"

"And this A named girl is younger than you?"

Alex nodded warily.

"Sounds like a typical man. Only she's a woman with concealed powers over women."

"You make her sound like some kind of a myth or goddess or something. She's only human."

"Ah ha!" Joan's eyes sparkled. They looked violet. "So you see, we're all just human after all."

And Alex had to agree. Olivia was only human. Faults and all. Bad decisions and all. She had been seeking a connection and Alex had given her something. For some time. And now Alex was no longer necessary, redundant.

"She wants to be friends." Alex found herself saying.

"Don't they always? But perhaps, once you've looked out for yourself, you can be her friend." Joan suggested, topping off both of their glasses.

"How is it you've come to know all of this about people?" Alex leaned forward, fascinated by her new companion.

"I've lived a little while now." Joan shrugged. "I've had many ups and downs. You can imagine it was never easy when I was younger to be so out and about."

"No, I can't imagine so." Alex nodded.

"Well, now I've given away my age and you, perhaps, should not be interested in me. But I do find you charming. Perhaps you need a friend to help you through this time."

Alex nodded, slowly. "I used to think I didn't need anyone. That I could do it all alone. But I…yeah. It would be nice to have a friend."

Joan smiled, reaching out to place one long slender, perfectly polished hand atop Alex's. "You'll heal. Just give it time. And in the meantime, we have more wine. Only perhaps not this evening. This is my card, should you ever wish to talk again. I think you should go and draw yourself a nice bath and enjoy your evening."

Alex found herself taking Joan's card – a black card with gold lettering. Simply her name and a phone number. How classy. Alex liked her. "I think I will."

"I can call you a car…" Joan reached for her bag.

"No, no. I'll manage. You've done enough for one evening." Alex smiled. "Thank you for listening."

"It was my pleasure. Thank you for joining me." Joan smiled back.

* * *

Amanda turned from the coffee machine just as Olivia walked into the break room.

Her eyes widened for a moment, looking somewhat uncomfortable and then a light blush colored her dark cheeks. Her hair had grown longer, framed her face so perfectly. Amanda wondered if she was taking care of herself. She looked tired. Though her lips lifted into a smile as they stood there staring at one another.

"Hey." Olivia finally spoke and moved to the coffee machine, reaching for a cup. "How are you?"

Amanda shrugged, leaning up against the counter. It was the first time they had been so isolated, so alone together, in quite a while. They'd been hard at work on cases – each running a separate direction – that they'd hardly even spoken in passing. There were moments in briefings when Amanda would catch Olivia's eye and they would smile at one another, shyly, covertly.

But now, here they were. "Doing better." Amanda blew across the top of her coffee.

Olivia reached for a sugar packet and poured herself a cup of coffee. "I'm glad to hear that." She turned to face Amanda, leaning up against counter so that they were staring at one another. "I've been…I've been thinking about you." Olivia admitted as she watched the sugar fall into the dark surface of her coffee. "Hoping you were okay."

"Yeah, I…uh, it's getting better." Amanda nodded. "I've been, uh…I've thought about you, too." Amanda glanced to the doorway of the break room, hoping that no one would enter and spoil this moment. Also hoping that no one would eavesdrop from around the corner, for she was certain that they would have to talk to Cragen if anyone other than Fin caught wind of this conversation. As vague as it was.

"Yeah?" Olivia glanced up with that gleam in her eyes.

"Yeah." Amanda nodded. She sipped the coffee. It tasted terrible. But she supposed she was used to the station coffee.

"You, uh, given thought to…things?" Olivia asked under her breath.

Amanda nodded. "Three more days."

Olivia's head shot up then. "Yeah, yes. Three more days."

"I," Amanda looked to the door again. "I paid off the money. I'm…I'm out of debt."

"I'm so glad to hear that." Olivia smiled.

Amanda nodded, longing to reach out and tuck Olivia's soft hair behind her ear. She watched the older woman do it instead. She looked so very shy standing there before Amanda. So adorably uncertain. What had she been doing for the past month? Had she seen that ADA? Had they kissed again? Amanda had so many questions, wanted desperately to just talk to Olivia again, to have her near…and when Olivia reached out, almost subconsciously, to tuck Amanda's curtain of hair behind her ear, Amanda almost forgot what they were doing, where they were…

Olivia looked so sincere as she spoke, barely above a whisper…"I…I really have missed you."

They both heard the clearing of a throat and Amanda nearly dropped her coffee as she turned to find Fin standing in the doorway.

"Looks like we caught a case. Might need you two love birds to pitch in."

Amanda looked over at Olivia whose eyes had widened to saucers.

"'Sokay. He pretty much figured us out." Amanda whispered to Olivia and then moved to follow Fin into the crib.

Olivia joined after a few minutes, hardly making eye contact with anyone except for Amaro as Cragen gave them the case details.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I just have a thing for eccentric older women. Perhaps I've let some readers down, but Olivia is a woman of a certain integrity and she needs to be firm in her decisions. It's interesting to play with her without writing from her perspective so she can't ever defend herself. Well, I guess we shall see what happens next! Thanks for those who are still hanging around to see how this all comes together. (I'm curious myself!)


	11. Chapter 11

Part 11

Olivia was standing in the lobby of the courthouse, staring down at her phone, brow furrowed. Alex caught sight of her after coming from the courtroom, fresh off a pleasing bail hearing. Her heart pounded for a moment as she regarded the warm brunette, trying to decide how it was she felt. For Olivia had hurt her deeply and had left little explanation. Yet, she hated the thrill, the elation of seeing the dark-haired beauty. Damn her.

As if she'd sensing her so near, Olivia looked up from her phone, glanced around and caught Alex's eye. She gave her a quick smile.

Alex felt her lips moving upwards but the smile didn't reach her eyes. "Detective."

"Counselor." Olivia greeted her as they moved towards one another.

It had been so long yet not long enough since last they saw one another.

"Just get out of court?" Olivia inquired, as if it weren't obvious.

"Yes, got the guy off the streets at least until his hearing."

"Congrats." Olivia nodded.

God, she looked as gorgeous as ever.

"Headed into court?" Alex shifted her briefcase from one hand to the other.

"Uh, no…just heading out. We had a sentencing hearing."

"Turn out well?"

"Well enough." Olivia half-smiled.

"Would you…uh, would you wanna grab a coffee?" Alex rubbed the back of her neck, finding herself shy in Olivia's presence, completely ridiculous, really. For Olivia had blown her off now enough times that she should have just said her goodbye and walked out the door. Instead she'd gone and said such a silly thing.

Olivia would certainly turn her down. She watched her check her watch. "Yeah, yeah. Coffee sounds good right about now."

Alex was floored by this easy acceptance of her invitation.

"I'm buying, though." Olivia insisted as they walked out of the courthouse, headed towards the food truck, the one they used to frequent very often to and from court together.

They walked down the street after they retrieved their coffees, companionable silence settling between them. Alex felt an awkward discomfort creep up which led her to break the building quiet. "How are things going?" And it was a harmless question, only it held so many masked inquiries. She was a lawyer, she knew how to bend people's answers to her will if she so pleased.

Olivia shrugged. "Hardly going at all, if you're asking about what I think you're asking." The detective retorted. "How about you?"

Alex sipped her coffee and glanced up at the trees in Columbus Park. "I ended things."

Olivia looked at her then. "Uh, with Tim…"

"Tom." Alex nodded. "It wasn't working. He wasn't…right."

"I'm sorry to hear that." Olivia spoke with tender concern. She looked genuinely upset for Alex. "Are you okay?"

"Huh? Oh, yes. Of course." Alex looked at her. "I think it was better to have ended it when I wasn't in love with him."

Olivia pursed her lips, the way she sometimes did when she was about to say something but then reconsidered. She finally looked down at her coffee. "I think that was smart, then."

"Yeah, guess so." Alex coolly agreed. "So, you and the Southern belle…"

Olivia gave her a smart look. "I assume you're talking about Amanda. Yes, well…" She glanced across the park. "I don't know. We're talking soon. She had some things she needed to figure out. I had things to figure out."

"And did you?" Alex crossed her arms.

Olivia took a deep breath and then shrugged. "It always has to be so complicated, doesn't it?"

"No, I don't think it _always_ has to be. Just happens sometimes."

"Like what happened between us?"

"Liv, I…if I'd known…"

"But you didn't answer my messages. My e-mails. Nothing. No response. How was I supposed to feel? For three years, knowing you were back from witness protection and not one word. Not one." Olivia spoke coldly.

Alex steeled her features. There it was. What had gone wrong. But why was Olivia so impassioned about it? "You're…you're right. There was no excuse."

"So…at least I know where I stand with Amanda."

"Do you?" Alex couldn't help prodding her.

Olivia turned cold eyes on her. "Yes. Even if it's not where I want to be at least she's been open with me."

"What is it about this girl?" Alex was breathless.

"It's not a comparison."

Alex laughed, "Jesus, Liv." For how could Alex not compare herself to this younger version of herself?

"What?" Olivia turned angry, flushed cheeks on her. "She's nothing like you. She reminds me a bit of me when I was her age."

"So you…what, wanna save her? Is that what your thing is? If you're too perfect then you're boring?"

Olivia frowned. "No, no. That's not what this is. Alex, please. I didn't agree to this coffee to be berated by you."

"Liv, I…I didn't mean to…I'm sorry." Alex shifted on her feet, wanting to run away. How could she tell Olivia that she was making a terrible mistake? How could she tell Olivia that her heart had been ripped from her chest that night that Olivia had come close to admitting that she could be in love with this other woman. Love, an emotion that Olivia had always feared.

"I have to get back to the precinct." Olivia muttered, turning to walk away before Alex could stop her.

Alex stood, watching her go like an idiot. What an idiot she had just been.

* * *

They'd decided to meet somewhere neutral. No distractions, nothing to get in the way of the words they needed to say.

Amanda had smoked a cigarette anxiously beforehand, now she sat down at the table, waiting for Olivia to join her – for the older detective had been detained at the precinct for some final paperwork.

Amanda looked down at her hand and realized it was shaking. There had been so much weight put on this day, so much gravity for them to fall into. A month spent together yet apart. And somehow she wasn't sure what to feel, what it was she was going to say. There were so many questions lingering in her mind. So many thoughts and feelings swirling together. She ordered a drink to try and calm her mind.

Olivia arrived several minutes after she'd been served. She breezed in the door of the restaurant, jacket blowing back to reveal the way her shirt shifted across her chest, her hair blown backwards by the wind of the door. She was an image to behold, Amanda forgetting to breath when she turned those dark eyes on her and smiled. A smile solely for Amanda.

"Sorry that took so long." Olivia swept near to her, leaned down to kiss her cheek and then settled in the chair across from her.

"No problem." Amanda twirled her glass in her hands.

"You started without me."

Amanda smiled shyly, "yeah, needed some liquid courage, I guess."

"Doesn't sound very promising." Olivia eyed her wearily.

"No, no…you, uh. You make me nervous." Amanda admitted.

Olivia smiled then. She flagged down a waiter for a glass of wine and then turned back to Amanda. "So, I'm sure we have a lot of things to talk about."

Amanda nodded. "I, uh, I got my thirty-day chip this mornin'. I went to a meetin' before work."

"Congratulations." Olivia beamed.

Amanda shrunk back, running a hand through her hair. "I hate that I…I hate that I have this…problem."

Olivia sipped the wine that had been sat before her. "How did it begin?"

"Oh, just with the guys in Atlanta. They'd pool some money every now and again and then it got out of hand. I just started putting down my own bets and, at first, I was winning and then the tides turned. It was stupid of me."

Olivia shook her head. "Sometimes we all do stupid things."

Amanda nodded. "Yeah, but this is idiotic. Just like smoking. I, uh…I don't really see what you see in me."

"Stop that." Olivia quickly ended this line of self-deprecation. "Don't talk about yourself like that. You have many wonderful qualities. You're a phenomenal detective. You push harder, go further, break the rules if you need to. It's admirable."

"Yeah, maybe a little too reckless at times though." Amanda shrugged and leaned forward, the question itching to come out. "Did you…did you see Alex?"

Olivia looked a bit taken aback by the question. "No…I mean, I saw her but we didn't…we mostly talked."

"Did you figure things out?" Amanda needed to know this. She needed to know that nothing was going on between Olivia and this other woman. Because she could not live in the in-between, with such uncertainty.

Olivia looked at the surface of her wine. "We, uh…we talked a lot about things. I told her how I feel about you. She was encouraging. She thought I was being scared."

Amanda nodded, wishing that Olivia could have told her how she felt and not had to go to Alex. Why was it that she seemed able to talk to others and yet when it came to talking to Amanda she was closed off? "Are you scared?" Amanda found herself asking.

Olivia took a deep breath. "Yes. Yes, and I want to…I want to be all there for you, but I…I'm worried about my…I don't understand why…"

"Liv, did something…did something happen to you?"

Olivia was fixated by her wine. "No." She spoke quickly and then looked at her hands. "I mean, yes. Though I don't…it's not like the things we see day in and day out. It…it was different. I was involved with a man during the police academy. I was still green behind the ears, not very experienced. He…he tried teaching me things, about my body, about myself. He'd make me touch myself, he'd touch me and I felt like I was on display to him and it made me feel subconscious, made me feel that when I gave myself pleasure or took it from someone else that it was dirty, wrong. It wasn't rape, but it was…"

"You weren't comfortable with it. It was assault. Even if it was emotional." Amanda felt her chest tightening at this admission. Olivia was truly opening up to her, was telling her things she had wanted to know, building back the trust that had been lost, had been floundering. And she felt terribly for the woman, for what she had been through. It sounded awful, demeaning.

Olivia nodded, tears caught in the corners of her eyes. "Yes, yes, I suppose."

Amanda covered her hand with her own, clasping on tightly. "I, uh…I had somethin' similar happen to me."

Olivia looked up with all the concern in the world filling her large, brown eyes. "What?"

"Uh, it was…" Oh no. She had not meant to open up about this. For it hadn't been rape…had it? She had been protecting her sister, she had done what she needed…she had agreed to it. Hadn't she? And she could hardly tell Olivia without the older woman pursuing it further. And so she pieced together a story that would make sense. "My…my sister got into some trouble in Atlanta and I…I used myself to get her out. "

"You slept with someone to help your sister?"

Amanda drank back her whiskey to clear out the putrid taste that had come to her mouth at the memory. "I gave myself willingly, I just…well, I'd rather not remember it. It happened so long ago." It had barely been a year.

Olivia didn't look as if she were buying her story, he looked furious. "That was an assault, Amanda."

"No, no. I agreed." Amanda ran a hand under her eye. "Anyway, it's not the same. Not the same as you." Olivia looked as if she wanted to delve deeper, to ask her more questions, but Amanda put a halt to the conversation. "It's…different and I…I want you to take back what that guy took from you. You deserve to enjoy…"

Olivia took a deep breath and bit her lip. "Do you think…do you think we can start over? We can go slowly this time…we can, we'll be open. Honest."

Amanda felt her stomach knotting. There was her reliable fear, she had been waiting for the familiar feeling to return. "You're…you're done with her?"

Olivia nodded her head, clasping Amanda's hand between her own. "Amanda, I want to be with you. Can we…can we try again? I won't…I won't run."

Amanda took hold of Olivia's hand, delighting in the warmth of it. "I think…if it's slow, if it's…. if we talk."

Olivia's concern turned into a smile. "Yes?"

Amanda smiled back, lost in those warm eyes. And oh, how she wanted to kiss Olivia then. "Yes."

* * *

The rooftop terrace looked down across the expanse of glowing city and yet Alex felt she was in the midst of a safari through all the potted palms. Joan swept out onto the patio in her flowing red kimono, smoking a cigarette in one hand and carrying a refill bottle of some expensive cabernet she'd dug up from her wine cellar. What a life she did lead.

Alex had little idea how she'd ended up here with her. Well, other than finding her black business card buried in her bag and deciding that having some company that evening was better than replaying her run-in with Olivia for the umpteenth time. She needed to get out of her head, to clear her mind and what better way than to have perceptive Joan listen to her woes.

"You know what," Joan held the cigarette between her teeth as she poured the wine. "I think she still has feelings for you."

"Well, I don't…she basically told me that she was in love with the child detective." Alex huffed.

"Did she actually say she loved her?"

"Well, no." Alex smelled the fresh wine – just as Joan had shown her – and then let some rest on her tongue. "That's good. Very smooth, oaky. I like that."

"It's a three-hundred-dollar bottle so you better like it, darling." Joan winked. "So she never _actually_ said she loved her?"

Alex tried to recall the conversation, how Olivia had blushed at the mention of love. Though she always blushed around that term. For she had been practically abandoned as a child and needed to be shown what unconditional love was. And perhaps Alex could have shown her that. If she'd had the Goddamn balls to have returned one of her calls. "I fucked up."

"Because you didn't call her back? Why didn't you call her back?"

Alex shrugged. "I was scared…I didn't think…well, nothing had happened before I moved to Wyoming."

"So you assumed nothing would?"

"I was trying to forget her."

"Have you told her how you feel?"

Alex put her head in her hands. "I mean, I've tried…I…"

"So you've never sat her down and told her that you're in love with her?"

"No…well, she inferred it one time. She told me it scared her how much I loved her."

"Ah," Joan blew a perfect stream of smoke in the air. "So she does love you."

"That was…no, she can't possibly now…"

"Alexandra," for Joan had insisted on calling her by her full name, "I think you need to sit her down and tell her how you really feel. Before you lose her to this young blonde A named woman. Remind her that you were the first young blonde A name."

"I don't think it's that simple…" Alex felt her heart swelling with hope yet there was a cramp in her chest. There wasn't time for such professions. There wasn't time for her feelings for Olivia anymore.

She had certainly missed the boat. She was lost to sea…

"I've found, in my life, that it never hurts to have an open, honest conversation. The least she can do is say no and then, my darling, I'll fly you to France and have you taste the best wine you've ever had in your life and maybe you'll just happen to forget her somewhere over the Atlantic."

How easy it all sounded, how hopelessly romantic…

Alex could never do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to those who are reviewing on here! I'm enjoying your kind words. It's rather funny because I feel like the Cabenson fans are here and the Rolivia fans are on fan fiction. I'll never make everyone happy. ;) 
> 
> Thanks for the reviews!


	12. Chapter 12

Part 12

They walked next to one another, Olivia's ear pressed up against the phone filling in the DA about the evidence they had secured from the scene that morning. Amanda glanced over at her, taking in the beauty that was Olivia Benson in the midst of a day. Her hair was already pulled into a messy bun, her eyes were dark from lack of sleep that these last few days on the investigation had taken from her. And yet she was as gorgeous as ever.

Amanda pulled at her cigarette, her calming mechanism after having seen the gruesome murder scene. She wondered, as she exhaled a cloud of smoke, how Olivia coped with all the things she had seen. She'd observed the older woman, has watched her at crime scenes. She knew that they got to her, had watched the disgust and sadness cross over her visage. But then she was emboldened by this disgust, she went full force at the perp, not stopping for anything.

Except stopping, perhaps, for this afternoon walk in the park with Amanda.

They paused near an alcove, Olivia turning to face Amanda, watching as she exhaled a cloud of smoke as she spoke to the DA. "Yeah, we'll keep you updated. No, I don't anticipate the witness will go back…yes, by all means. Do what you need to do…goodbye counselor." And then she hung up her phone and smiled at Amanda. "Sorry about that."

"Hey, it's puttin' the bad guys behind bars. I can wait." Amanda laughed.

Olivia grinned, reaching out to take Amanda's hand covertly in their hidden location. Amanda entwined their fingers, tossing the cigarette to her feet. She looked at their hands, taking in the sight of them. Hidden from view.

"Liv, I, uh, I wanna do this right this time."

"I do, too." Olivia stepped a little closer, momentarily surveying their surroundings for any familiar faces that might be watching them. She appeared not to see anyone and turned those dark eyes on Amanda again.

"I mean…I think we should tell Cragen. I think…we need to cover our bases. I've, uh, I've done my research. It's not against the rules to date another detective we just can't be partnered. We couldn't be thrown together for a case…the sooner we disclose the better. I think." Amanda's voice was quiet, a certain fear at pushing Olivia this way tightening her throat.

Olivia's eyes dropped to their hands. "Oh, I…I see."

Amanda glanced at her through squinted eyes, not sure if she liked this response. "I know this is a big step but…"

"I know, uh, yeah. I know. It makes sense." Olivia swung their hands in thought. "Can I…can I have some time?"

Amanda felt her heart pound in her ears. Shouldn't Olivia want to cross this bridge, put it out in the open?

"Amanda," Olivia whispered, as if her thoughts had been displayed on her face. "I want to, I just…I need some time to consider…it's a, uh, it's a big step."

"Yeah." Amanda let their hands fall apart, shoving it into her coat pocket.

Olivia frowned at her. "This isn't me running away. This is me asking for just a little bit of time. It's a, it's a big thing for me. I mean Fin knowing is one thing but…Cragen?"

"I don't think he'd think any less of you for this."

"No, no of course he wouldn't." Olivia pushed a strand of hair from her face, looking annoyed with herself.

Amanda could sense her inner struggle, knew that she genuinely was not trying to be flippant. "Okay, okay. I, uh, I understand. I just don't want us to end up in a situation that could put either of us in jeopardy. You love this job too much to do something like that."

Olivia nodded, wiping away an invisible tear. She reached out, putting her arm on Amanda's forearm. "Th-thanks for understanding. I won't…I won't make you wait forever. I just…let's get through this case and then…"

Amanda nodded and took Olivia's hand in her own, squeezing it before they turned to head back to the precinct.

* * *

Alex held the phone in her hand, contemplating how this could go. It was one of two ways as she saw it. She could call Olivia or she could simply put the phone back down and go on with her life, try to move on to something else, something new and different.

But Joan's words of wisdom stuck with her. If she never told Olivia how she felt then she'd never know what could have been. Olivia's nascent relationship with Amanda had only just begun, really…or was it still off? Regardless, Olivia was not yet committed and Alex would hate to leave it until it was far too late. Just the thought of Olivia happily involved in a serious relationship made Alex's blood boil.

But the fear of rejection she would face if Olivia outright said no to her…perhaps that would feel worse.

But nothing ventured, nothing gained, as Joan had reminded her.

She took a huge sip of wine and hit "call" before she even knew what she'd done.

The phone rang through for what felt like an eternity and she very nearly hung up, second thoughts of how terrible of an idea this was swimming up to the surface.

But then Olivia picked up.

"Alex?" She sounded breathless on the other end.

"Did I…sorry, did I catch you at a bad time?" Alex pinched the bridge of her nose, curling up tighter, her case notes her only companions atop her couch.

"Uh, no…no, it's okay. I just got home." Olivia replied.

"I can…uh, call you back another time." Alex felt as if she were stumbling over words for the first time in her life. Oh, how Olivia made her such an idiot.

"It's fine. What's going on?" Olivia's kind voice held no resentment nor annoyance, despite the way they had left things last.

Alex froze. This was fruitless, wasn't it? They couldn't possibly have this conversation…could they?

"Al?" She'd gone quiet for too long.

"Yeah. Yes, I'm here." Alex took a deep breath. "Could we…. would you mind…." She exhaled jaggedly.

"Alex," Olivia hummed on the other end.

"Liv, can we have dinner? I want to…I just want to talk. I want to…apologize. I don't want to leave things the way we did." She closed her eyes, feeling ridiculous for sticking her neck out like this.

"Al."

"I know…I know things are different now, but I…I just want to talk. If you…"

"Uh…yes. Yes. Tomorrow night?" Olivia sounded uncertain, but there was a willingness in her voice. "If there's not a case."

"Right, yes. Of course. I'll find a place near the precinct."

"Good, that…that will be nice." Olivia sounded tired.

"You, uh, you okay?" Alex couldn't help but ask.

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, nothing…nothing really." Olivia sighed. "Just, uh, do you think, do you think I'll always be afraid?" Her voice was so small then.

Alex felt her heart thumping. Olivia, Olivia being open again, vulnerable. "No. Liv, no. I don't think you'll always be afraid."

She listened as Olivia breathed deeply on the other end of the line. She closed her eyes.

"Liv, you're not broken."

She heard the laugh of disbelief. "Thanks…I'll, uh…I'll see you tomorrow night."

* * *

Kate brought over the box of pizza to her couch where Amanda sat opening a bottle of beer. "You think it means somethin'?" Amanda asked.

"Well she admitted she wants to be with you, that has to be something. So maybe this hesitation is just…really her wanting to take it slow. I don't think it means anything more than she says." Kate dropped onto the couch and opened the pizza box.

"Yeah, but I'm not so sure 'bout that." Amanda reached for a slice of pizza. "I'm worried that she…that she might change her mind. I think she might still have feelings for that ADA."

"Wait, who?"

"Uh, that ADA, you know, the one that was at that ball awhile back. The blonde one, with glasses…"

"And legs for days?" Kate's eyes widened. "Mmm, she was certainly something."

"Not helping." Amanda slapped Kate's knee.

"But Olivia wants you. I mean I saw it, you saw it…you know it." Kate insisted.

Amanda felt uneasy at this. "I just don't know…somethin' feels off about it. I mean Olivia likes to go by the book. She would want to divulge over gettin' in trouble."

"Maybe it's hard for her. This is only her, what, second lesbian relationship? Maybe she really just needs some time before she outs herself to everyone. I mean…it can be pretty frightening. Especially for these women of the older generations."

Amanda half-laughed. "She's not _that_ much older."

"Puh-lease." Kate smirked. "I don't blame you. Older women are always super sexy. Must be that confidence women get the older they are."

"Okay…okay, I didn't even think about her age. Or about her gender for that matter, I just…I like her for who she is. She's so strong and generous and smart…"

"God, you've got it bad." Kate shook her head.

Amanda half-grinned. "Yeah, I just…I hope she feels the same."

"Hey, you'll talk to her soon, she'll come around. You'll see."

Amanda nodded…wanting to believe this.

* * *

Alex glanced at her watch, her pulse racing so that she could see it pulsing. Jesus, how did this woman make her so nervous. It felt nearly as nerve-wracking as when she'd taken the bar exam or prosecuted her first case. It was ridiculous, overly inflated.

She looked to the door of the restaurant just as Olivia stepped inside, those dark eyes of hers squinting to adjust to the dim lighting of the room. Their eyes met and Olivia gave her a smile, moving with her tired, confident gate across the room. She leaned down, as if out of habit, and kissed Alex's cheek. "Hey."

"Hey there." Alex felt her cheeks going red, burying her nose in her wine glass. She's ordered well – Joan had taught her well. Olivia sat down across from her and Alex leaned forward, pouring her her own glass. "How was your day?"

Olivia closed her eyes, rubbing her forehead. "Same as always. Still in the middle of this investigation." She lifted the wine glass to her lips, sipping it. Her eyes went wide. "This is really amazing."

"It's a 2011 Sauvignon Blanc."

"Since when did you become a wine connoisseur?"

Alex shrugged, "made a new friend who has expensive taste. Changed the way I drink."

"Cheers to your new friend." Olivia held up the glass and they clinked together. Their eyes met as they drank. "Is this…someone romantic?" Olivia's eyes shifted to the table.

"Uh, no. No, just a friend." Alex grinned.

"I see." Olivia nodded.

"So, uh…how about you? How are…things?" Alex figured she'd rip the bandage right off.

"Uh, well…Amanda and I talked. We're…taking things slow."

Alex felt her stomach knot. "So you're…back together?"

"Working through things, yes." Olivia rubbed beneath her lips. "But I…I froze. The other day. She wanted to disclose…I freaked out." Olivia ran a hand through her messy hair.

"That's a big deal. For you." Alex sat forward.

"Yeah, it, uh…it is."

"What're you going to do?"

Olivia took a deep breath. "I don't…I don't know. I'm not ready." When she looked up Alex saw a tear in her eye. Knew how hard this was for her. "I think she thinks that if I don't disclose then it means that I don't care, but I do. I do care about her." Olivia whisked her hair back and looked at Alex. "But…let's not…we don't have to discuss that. What did you want to talk about?"

"Uh," Alex was flustered then, her resolve broken as she had listened to Olivia talk about Amanda. She was too late, wasn't she? "It's…it's silly."

"It's not, what is it?" Olivia looked with concern at Alex and Alex didn't want her to look at her like that.

"I think it's too late for what I have to say."

Olivia's brow furrowed.

Alex looked down at her drink. "Liv, I don't want to stress you out further. It seems like you have enough on your plate."

"Al," Olivia's voice was quiet. Alex couldn't meet her eyes.

"Liv, I know we've circled around it this point and it seems mute now, but I…I can't just not tell you."

"Tell me what?" Had Olivia's voice quivered?

Alex glanced up, meeting Olivia's dark, enchanting eyes. "I love you. I've always been in love with you. And I know you don't want to hear that right now, especially not when you're starting things with Amanda, but I couldn't not tell you…I needed to tell you. I just needed to get that off my chest. I know…I know you knew. I know you had to know."

She looked away, Olivia's gaze had frosted over and Alex knew that she had probably thrown too much at her, had made her uncomfortable and want to run away. She expected Olivia to get up and excuse herself. Only she sat there with that expression she had…the one she got when she was deep in thought.

"Liv…" Alex asked, fearfully for the silence stretched on for a long while.

"Uh," Olivia cleared her throat and sat forward. "I, uh, I know."

"I just…I wanted to tell you."

Olivia rubbed her forehead. "It's really shit timing, Alex."

"I know, I know."

"I mean…you're…you never contacted me."

"Liv, you had sex with me. For months, _years_ after I reappeared. We had _something_ , you can't deny that."

"No…no, I won't deny that. But you _hurt_ me. You _left_ me."

"I was in trouble, I had been shot. I had to leave. That wasn't on me."

"But when you came back…wh-when you came back you didn't come to me."

"I figured you'd found someone else, I figured…that I was too late."

"But if you'd called me…"

"I get it, Liv. I get it. I fucked up. But I…I don't want to fuck up now."

"So what do you want? I'm…I'm seeing Amanda."

"I know that." Alex rubbed her forehead. "This was a bad idea. I'm sorry I said anything."

Olivia's lips pressed together. Looking angry, frustrated before a tear slid down her cheek and Alex realized she was upset, crying.

"Liv," Alex reached out, covering her hand. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry."

Olivia rubbed her eyes. Her voice was so small that Alex wasn't sure she'd heard her correctly. "I love you, too. But…I…"

"What?"

"Alex, this isn't…this isn't helpful."

"Olivia," Alex held onto her hand.

Olivia closed her eyes and shook her head. "Alex…I need, I need some time to think about this. I need to do the right thing here."

"Liv, I don't want to upset you. I, uh…I just needed to let you know. I wanted to come clean. I wanted to be honest with you. But if it's too late…it's, uh, it's okay. I would understand."

Olivia nodded, moving her hand from beneath Alex's so that she could pat her briefly. "Thank you for the wine. I, uh…I need to think about this. I'm not…I'm not running, I'm…I need to think, okay?"

Alex nodded, understanding. But Olivia had uttered those words, hadn't she?

Alex watched as Olivia walked out of the restaurant, the way she'd said it replaying again and again in her mind. She loved her. And perhaps hearing her say it, hearing her admit those words…maybe it could be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep believing, my darlings. :)


	13. Chapter 13

Part 13

The case was over but the usual relief that came with solving a crime did not arrive. For she was anxious. There had been little contact over that of talking about the case. Amanda had been about to leave the office, stepping onto the elevator when she heard Olivia behind her.

"Hey…hold the door." Olivia stepped into the elevator with her, the door closing behind her, closing them in together. "Hey…uh, you wanna grab some dinner?"

Amanda shoved her hands into her pockets. "Yeah, we probably should."

Olivia gave her an uncomfortable glance. "Is everything okay?"

Amanda ran a hand through her hair. "Yeah, yeah. I just think we need to talk."

Olivia looked down, "yeah. I know."

They found themselves at a little hole in the wall far enough from the precinct from prying eyes and ears. They holed up in a back booth, Olivia ordered a whiskey and Amanda ordered a beer. They stared at one another, Amanda looking down at her hands where they rested atop the table. "Liv, I think…I think this is a bad idea."

"What?" Olivia's face fell.

"Don't…don't do that. I saw the way you looked when I said we should disclose. You were uncomfortable."

"That's not because of you. Because of us…I just panicked."

"Liv, I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable or…or push you into something that you don't want."

"Amanda…"

"No, listen, Liv. I'm not…I had some time to think about this. To really think it through. I respect you, I will always respect you as a detective, as a police officer, as a woman. I know that you've been through some shit. But maybe this isn't the right time for us…for you, for me. I, I need to really get my life together and I can't…I just can't…I can't be worried that you don't wanna be with me, or that you're with _her_ or…it's just not where I can be. It's not where I wanna be."

Olivia sunk down across from her, her chin going down to her chest. She rubbed her forehead. "I…so, what? This is…this is over? Then?"

"Liv, we don't need to do this." Amanda bowed her head, could feel tears in her eyes. "Liv, I really liked you, but I think this isn't a good idea. You don't need to force yourself to be with me."

Olivia looked up into her eyes then. That angry, frustrated look curling her lip. "Amanda," she leaned forward, taking Amanda's hand in her own. "That's not…I genuinely care for you. I never forced myself to be with you. You have to believe that. Please."

Amanda nodded, looking down at their hands. "I do, Liv. I know that, but I don't think you feel for me what you feel for that ADA, for Cabot. And I think you need to give yourself the chance to sort that out. I don't want to be here in her shadows."

"Wh-Amanda, this had nothing to do with her."

"It kinda did, Liv. No hard feelings, but you have a history with her. I can't compete with that and frankly I don't want to."

Olivia pursed her lips together, it almost looked like she might cry. "I'm so s-sorry, Amanda."

Amanda let her hair fall about her face, feeling emboldened for having gotten that off her chest, for saying what she needed to say and she felt it had been right. For Olivia didn't push back, didn't debate her, fight for her. Yes, Amanda had made a sound decision. "Uh, hey. Listen, I hope that we can…we can still be friendly. You know, maybe this was good. Before it got to a bad place and then we'd have to face one another every day at work, you know. I think it's good to just end it now. On friendly terms."

Olivia exhaled, brow creased. She shook her head. "Amanda…I'm sorry."

Amanda shrugged. "I guess I should believe what people say."

Olivia pinched the bridge of her nose, a tear sliding down her cheek. "I want to be better. And I apologize for hurting you, for everything"

Amanda nodded. "I…I need some time, but I…I hope we can be friends."

Olivia squeezed her hand before releasing it. "I hope so, too." Her voice quivered, full of remorse. She wiped at her eyes and looked up at Amanda. "Amanda, I respect you so much. You're…you're one hell of a detective and one hell of a woman and anyone…anyone would be lucky to have you."

Amanda bit her lip to quell the tears. And it didn't make sense, perhaps wouldn't ever make sense, yet she knew this was the best decision. It was best to retain their working rapport and not let this get between them. Amanda could recognize, could see, that they were both damaged humans and perhaps that damage wasn't good to share. They needed to heal apart from one another.

"I'm sorry." Olivia wiped at her cheeks.

"I am, too."

* * *

There was a knock at the door, light at first, shy. She nearly didn't hear it over the classical music playing on the radio. It had only been audible because she was in the kitchen making a cup of tea and near to the door.

Her robe flowed behind her as she went to stare through the peephole of her door, having not expected anyone on Sunday morning. She was in her ridiculous sleeping shorts and a t-shirt, hair pulled back, in no state to be receiving anyone. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw Olivia on the other side of the door. She opened the door, finding the brunette looking worse for the ware on the other side. Her eyes were bloodshot, dark rims about them, hair tossed into a clip.

"What the hell happened to you?" Alex asked, pulling Olivia inside her apartment, taking her to the couch.

A tear slid down Olivia's cheek. She leaned forward, elbows on her knees, fingers treading into her hair. "She ended things with me. Said she didn't want to force me into anything…I really, uh…you know, I panicked and…God." Olivia rubbed her face in her hands. "And now I'm coming to cry to you and you're…I've been no better with you. I shouldn't…I shouldn't have come."

"Liv, it's okay." Alex whispered, reaching out to pat her back. "It's okay that you came to me."

"I shouldn't have. I still haven't given you a proper response."

"Maybe right now isn't the time."

"Uh…yeah, maybe not." Olivia agreed.

"I don't want to be your backup option. I want to know that you really want this. Not just because she broke things off." Alex spoke bluntly.

"That's fair." Olivia sat back and ran her hands over her face.

"You look terrible." Alex spoke softly, reaching out to brush her fingers over Olivia's cheek. "You've been drinking…have you…have you had anything to eat?"

Olivia shook her head.

"I'm making you a real breakfast. You're not saying no." Alex insisted. She left Olivia to relax on the couch and made some eggs, toast, and some cut up fruit. She sat the plate down in front of Olivia along with a cup of tea and settled down beside her again. She trailed her fingers through Olivia's hair, which she'd let down from the clip, and sipped her own tea as she watched her eat. "You know I wanted to call you. I wanted to call you as soon as I found out they put him away and I could come back. As soon as I was back in New York, I went to your old apartment and I was about to walk in and I saw you come home. And you weren't alone." Alex whispered, transfixed by Olivia's soft locks running through her fingers.

Olivia put her plate down. "So…that's why you didn't…"

Alex nodded, leaning her head against her hand. "It was stupid, I know, but I thought…we hadn't had contact for a year and…"

"I see." Olivia nodded. "I, uh, I was going through a lot then." She ran a hand through her hair. "I missed you. When you were away. When you stayed away. I missed you."

Alex looked down at her tea. "I know. I got your messages. I was an idiot. But I'm not going to be an idiot now."

Olivia gave her a half smile.

"I'm sorry about Amanda." Alex spoke sincerely.

Olivia bit her lip. "Thanks." She shrugged. "Maybe it was for the best. I always made it a rule to not get involved with colleagues. Too messy."

"You and Stabler?"

Olivia laughed. "Never happened. Might as well have, we saw one another more than most couples would. But…there were others. Never turned out well."

Alex nodded. She didn't like hearing about Olivia's exploits for it always made her wonder if there had been someone who had gotten to touch her the way Alex had always wanted to.

"Liv," Alex reached out to touch her arm, admiring the softness of Olivia's skin, how sumptuous she was, how much she had filled out over the years and now she glowed, was more herself than she had ever been before. "Liv, when's the last time you had a vacation?"

"What?" Olivia glanced at her as if she had two heads. "Vacation?" She snorted.

"Yeah, vacation. I, uh, I have a connection to a place in France, in Paris. I haven't taken off a day for years and I know for a fact you haven't either. We could go…we could, have some time away to figure things out."

Olivia's brow furrowed.

"Liv…it'd be good. Even if we don't decide anything, I think we owe it to ourselves to have some time away. It would be nice."

Olivia nodded her head. "It would be nice…if we can get away."

Alex laughed, "I think you owe it to yourself to make some time to get away. Look at you, you're exhausted. You're beating yourself up about everything. Have you even gotten sleep in the past few days?"

Olivia swallowed, her eyes drooping. She shook her head no.

"You need a break."

* * *

"What? Why would you do that?" Kate was livid.

Amanda sunk down in her couch. "It seemed like the right thing to do. She clearly didn't want to be with me. Not enough and I…I've gotta figure out my own shit." Amanda leaned back. "I'd never, you know, liked a woman until her."

"But maybe she was the one." Kate insisted.

"Kate…I think she's still in love with that ADA and she just doesn't want to admit it to herself. It…it hurts me, more than I am willing to admit…"

"Amanda, come on, you can be hurt by this. You don't have to play the martyr in all of this. I mean what she did was shitty."

Amanda nodded, looking down at her hands. "You know what…I, uh, it's funny. Before I got here, I, I worshiped her. She could do no wrong. I couldn't wait to work with her…and now…now I see her as just…just another person…someone just like everyone else."

Kate nodded. "I guess that's why I never like meeting my heroes. Seems to take away the magic."

Amanda felt the tears welling in her eyes.

"Aww, come on. Let's order in some food. Rent a movie. Take your mind off things." Kate insisted, wrapping her arms around Amanda. Amanda cried into her shirt.

* * *

They were on the plane.

Alex wanted to pinch herself, nearly shocked that they'd made it here. Not that they were out of the woods, not quite, but Olivia was actually sitting beside her and had made the commitment, done what was needed to go away with her. And how gorgeous she looked, sitting beside her in a navy dress with her hair down, looking the very opposite of the usual Detective Olivia Benson.

She glanced at Alex shyly, her lips turning up into a smile. "It's been awhile since I've been on a plane."

"Does flying make you nervous, Benson?" Alex laughed.

"Nah" But Alex watched her grasp her armrest.

Alex grinned. She reached out and took Olivia's hand in her own. "I won't let them crash."

"Not funny." But Olivia laughed and lifted their hands to her lips, pressing a kiss to Alex's hand.

Alex felt her stomach flutter. They had a seven-hour flight ahead of them and Alex was pleased to have Olivia had her side. And for seven hours – except for bathroom breaks – Olivia never let her hand go. She fell asleep curled up in Alex's side and Alex found that she enjoyed seeing her in this vulnerable state, realizing then that they had never fallen asleep together so that she had never woken in the night to see Olivia far away from the waking world.

They had _so_ much to discuss, so many hurts to patch up. They had both hurt each other. They had both failed one another.

But feeling the warmth of Olivia beside her made it seem worth whatever would come next.

Olivia didn't wake up until the wheels touched down on French soil. She looked confused for a moment but when she turned to face Alex her lips lifting into the most beautiful smile Alex had ever seen. "Hey sleepy head. We made it. Welcome to Paris." Alex grinned, and pressed her lips against Olivia's drowsy cheek. "See, I didn't let them crash."

"You're my hero." Olivia laughed.

They somehow made their way, with broken French between them, to the apartment, compliments of Joan. And oh, how Joan had known what she was doing. For the instant they walked into the top floor apartment, Alex had no doubt that Joan was rooting for her. Through the window ahead of them was a perfectly framed view of the Eiffel Tower. To the side was a small kitchen, a fully stocked wine fridge included, and to the other side was a completely white room with a large, King size bed that also opened to the same living area view.

"God, this place is amazing." Olivia pulled off her sunglasses and moved to look out the window. "Al, it's breathtaking."

"It is." But Alex's gaze lingered on the bed. The _one_ bed.

 


	14. Chapter 14

Part 14

"What is it?" Olivia turned from the window, seeming to sense Alex's hesitancy.

"Uh, nothing."

But she could feel Olivia, ever the observant detective, following her line of sight.

"Ah."

"I can sleep on the couch…"

Olivia laughed, "don't be ridiculous. That bed is big enough for five people. You're not going to be uncomfortable for a week and we're not children."

Alex half-smiled, amused by Olivia's levelheadedness in this situation. She was being different. Perhaps it was an expected trauma that Olivia would want to bolt at the first sign of something uncomfortable, yet she was not doing so. Instead she moved closer to Alex, putting her arms around her.

"We came here to figure things out, didn't we?"

Alex nodded, realizing it had been months since they'd been so near to one another. She wanted nothing more than to kiss her again. To really kiss her in the way they used to when it had all begun and Olivia wanted to be kissing her and not just taking from her. And Olivia leaned in and pressed a gentle, hesitant kiss to her lips and Alex exhaled shakily. They looked at one another for a moment, really looked into the other's eyes and then Alex cupped Olivia's cheeks, guiding their lips together in something that felt new and intimate. Olivia had always been a wonderful kisser, her mouth firm and smooth, opening at just the right moments, her hand tight where it fell against Alex's lower back.

She wasn't sure how long they stood there in this cozy, familiar embrace. She wanted more, so much more, and yet they were not to that step yet. Alex pulled away, pressing little kisses along Olivia's jaw before whispering, "we should…go get something to eat."

Olivia bowed her head, hands clutching tighter for a moment, sounding a bit breathless when she whispered, "Yes."

They stepped away from one another and smiled shyly. Alex ran a hand through her hair and stifled a yawn. Olivia frowned at her. "Did you sleep on the plane?"

Alex shrugged. "Oh, a little." But she had hardly slept a wink having enjoyed the feel of holding Olivia close to her. "But you know how they tell you to stay up so that you acclimate."

"We can take it easy today." Olivia ran a hand down her shoulder.

They took turns freshening up, shyly dodging one another in the process. And once Alex was showered and changed, Olivia washed and remade-up, they walked down the block to find a little grocery store. It was surreal to see Olivia outside her normal backdrop of the city. It was harsh, cold, grey. Seeing her in green, lively Paris brought out something sparkling, colorful in the detective. Their hands found one another as they walked down the street, passing a little garden where they watched ducks in a pond and little children playing with their parents. Alex covertly studied the way in which Olivia's expression turned to that of maternal longing at the sight of the children. Her mind jumped a million miles ahead and she had to reel herself back to the current moment begrudgingly.

They returned to the apartment and Alex fixed a cheese and fruit platter, finding that her lack of sleep was slowly creeping up on her as they settled into the couch beside one another.

"This is the best cheese I've ever had in my life." Olivia noted as they sat side-by-side, their legs touching beneath a light throw blanket.

"American food can never compare to European cuisine."

Olivia studied her over a bite of an apple. "Have you been here before?"

"Oh, once when I was in college. I came for a summer program. I was studying French at the time." Alex grinned. "You've never been?"

Olivia shook her head. "There was never money…and then when I started working for the NYPD there was never time."

Alex nodded. "You're very dedicated."

"We both are." Olivia gave her a half-smile. "I think we had to be to get to where we are."

Alex agreed.

"You know, it was never easy being a woman in the beginning. I had to…I carried myself differently, to fit in." Olivia sat back, remembering how things had started. It was as if she wanted Alex to know, to understand. And Alex listened. "I cut my hair, I didn't want to attract any more attention than was necessary. I went drinking with the guys, I put up with their sexual innuendos, the way they talked about women…and they treated me as if I were one of them and I thought that was needed to make it, to move forward." She looked lost in thought. "I was so determined to make something of myself. But I also, I couldn't like women because that would have been abnormal, wrong. They wanted to brother me, they wanted to vet every and any guy I was with. If I'd…if they'd thought I liked women…" She shook her head.

Alex let her hand fall lightly atop Olivia's crossed knee. "It was different then. Though, it's hardly better now, they just can't say as much."

Olivia nodded in agreement. This was the most she had opened up to Alex. Of course, they knew one another, had an intimate, internal understanding of the other, but there were parts of their lives that had gone unshared. There was so much Alex wanted to know.

"Did…did one of them hurt you?" Alex asked timidly.

Olivia's brow furrowed. Her eyes closed and she shook her head. "It wasn't an assault. Or…maybe it was, but…" She bit her lip, took a deep breath. "I had a boyfriend, during the police academy. A guy who I was training with. He seemed nice at first, maybe a little rough around the edges, but he always went out of his way to be kind to me. I should have…I should have recognized the signs."

Alex took her hand, their fingers entwining. "Sometimes you don't know. You can't beat yourself up about that."

Olivia shrugged, her hand clasping tighter. "He was my first. I was…I never focused on dating even though a lot of people thought I was experienced, I mostly hid away on the weekends in high school and college. I was…afraid because of what had happened to my mother. But he…he seemed different. I went out with him and he took me home with him after the third date and I told him, I told him I wasn't comfortable, that I hadn't…" Olivia's voice was growing thin. "He was so nice, he – he wanted to show me how to pleasure myself. He wanted to make me feel good. He would…. he would make me touch myself while he watched." She looked down at her lap. "And he…he had this thing about watching lesbian porn. He wanted me to watch it, he wanted me to get aroused by it and then he wanted to…have sex with me while I watched." Olivia shook her head. "And I let him…I let this happen. Not just once, but…for months. Because I thought maybe this was how it had to be…and I felt so ashamed watching those women. I felt really ashamed because it did interest me, more than I wanted to admit. It was like he knew that and used it against me and it just became something he could hold over me. And I…I was ashamed because what I saw on that screen made me feel disgusting and yet I wanted it…" There were tears on her cheeks as she spoke, as if these words had been trapped inside of her all of these years.

Alex sat with her in the silence of her truth. Taking it in, piecing together what it had all meant, what it was that had traumatized her all those years ago, why Olivia had been so knowledgeable despite having never had sex with a woman before Alex, as she had admitted at one point. Alex had the strongest desire to find this asshole who had done this to her and kill him. Instead she held tighter to Olivia's hand.

"It's not that I didn't…don't want to, Alex…I just…"

Alex brought her hand to her lips and kissed it. "I understand, Liv. Thank you…thank you for telling me."

Olivia nodded, still not looking at Alex. "I want to be able to...I want to be able to enjoy myself, to not be trapped in that. It was so long ago and he took so much from me. But I don't want that to hold me back anymore." Olivia looked at her hopefully.

Alex realized her eyes were wet from her own tears. She wiped at them. "What can I do?"

Olivia shrugged. "Are we…this is, real?"

Alex laughed, "do you want to be with someone else?"

Olivia shook her head.

"Neither do I." Alex whispered. "I wish I could…I wish I could assure you somehow. And I feel like we've lost trust in one another, but I love you, Liv. It might not be enough, it might fall apart in the future, but…if we could trust that this is true now…"

"I do." Olivia leaned her head on Alex's shoulder. "I do."

Alex nodded, kissing her forehead. "Then, we won't do anything you're not comfortable with. You'll…you'll tell me."

"Yes." Olivia nodded.

Alex wrapped her arm about the brunette, looking out the window to find that the sun had set on their conversation. And just as she glanced up, the Eiffel Tower lit up like a giant Christmas tree, the lights shimmering, glimmering against the dark night sky.

"'s beautiful." Olivia whispered against her chest.

"It is."

* * *

They got ready for bed separately, brushing up against one another as they maneuvered through the bathroom and bedroom. Olivia changed into a pair of shorts and a grey T-shirt that stretched taut over her chest. She looked divine with no make-up, her dark-rimmed glasses covering her naked eyes. Alex realized she had never seen her in her night things or as undone as she was in this moment. And she was breathtaking.

Alex rubbed lotion on her face as she shut off the light in the bathroom. Olivia was sitting on the edge of the bed, she looked up concerned when Alex entered. "Uh…do you want this side?"

Alex shook her head, finding it adorable that Olivia should be concerned by such things. "No…no, you can take it." She climbed in on the right side, feeling a million miles away from Olivia despite the fact that they were next to one another. It was an expansively large bed that rested between them. It was no longer the close proximity that the plane had offered them, but Alex didn't want to make Olivia uncomfortable. It was only the beginning of things.

They had agreed to take things slowly, Alex making it a point that they should take this first night for sleep and sleep only.

She adjusted the pillow beneath her and then laid back.

Laughter came from the other side of the bed and she turned to find Olivia laying there looking over at her. "What?"

"We're just…so far apart." Olivia grinned.

Alex smiled. "Liv," she pushed the pillow so that she could face Olivia. "Do you realize this is the first time we've been in a bed together…for sleeping?"

Olivia sobered for a moment. "I…uh, I guess so."

"Liv, it's okay." Alex reached across the bed. Olivia met her hand halfway across the bed. She reached back to turn off the bedside lamp and it cast the room into a glittering darkness, compliments of the Eiffel Tower nightlight. Alex could make out Olivia's eyes in the darkened room. They held one another's gaze in the darkness.

Alex felt the last twenty-four hours of lack of sleep slowly creeping over her. There was a warmth to the comfortable bed, to the feel of Olivia's hand in her own. It was the first time in a long while that she'd drifted off into a calm, serene sleep. Her mind, for the moment, was neither racing ahead nor behind. Olivia was there with her in person. Beside her.

The next thing she knew there was a warm light flooding into the room. A dissonant siren wailed its way through a waking city, birds were chirping nearby and Alex found she was definitely not in New York any more. There was something warm pressed against her, something warm and solid, something that smelled of jasmine and vanilla.

Her eyes fluttered open to find a dark head of hair before her. The detective was sleeping in her arms. She was afraid to move, afraid to wake Olivia and scare her. But she realized her arm was falling asleep. Her other hand, however, was clasped about Olivia's stomach, hand brushing beneath her breast. Oh God, had she groped the detective in her sleep? Jesus.

Olivia shifted in the bed, taking a deep breath. Was she awake?

Alex stayed still, concerned that Olivia would wake up and realize what sort of position they were in and freak out. The detective turned her head in her embrace, those dark eyes were wide open, smiling.

Alex smiled back. "Morning."

"Good morning." Olivia shifted. "Your arm okay?"

"I can't feel it."

"Guess I'm heavier than I thought." Olivia laughed and moved so that Alex could take back her arm but then she surprised her by curling back into her, wrapping her strong arms about Alex and holding her close. "Guess the bed was too big."

"This…this is okay?" Alex kissed her forehead, inhaling that decadent scent that was all Olivia.

Olivia nodded, pressing a kiss to Alex's chest. "I'm not fragile, I…I want to be here with you."

Alex smiled and pulled Olivia closer. "What do you want to do today?"

"I have always wanted to go to the Louvre."

"Yeah? I didn't take you for an art aficionado."

"I'm a Dan Brown fan."

"Ah, a reader."

Olivia laughed and looked up to face Alex. She was quite something in the morning, all fresh faced and big-eyed. "I've missed you, Al."

"I've missed you." Alex felt her heart race, wanting to touch Olivia, afraid to do so. Alex let her hand slide down Olivia's arm. "Well, I'll take you out for breakfast and we can get there early, before the tourist crowd rushes the place." Alex moved to sit up.

"Al," Olivia reached for her. "Where are you going?"

"I'm getting up."

"You don't…you don't have to get up." Olivia sat up in the bed.

Alex settled back into the bed, running a hand through her hair. "Liv, I don't know what we can and can't do…I want to, I want to do this right, but…"

Olivia rubbed her forehead, "I know. But I…I want you to, uh…"

"Well." Alex turned to look at Olivia. "Okay…"

"Al, just…just a little." Olivia reached out for her, pulling her close to her in the center of the bed. She tucked Alex's hair behind her ears and pulled her close, pressing their lips together. "Just a little…bit…" She took Alex's hand in her own, "I want to…feel…" And Alex let her hand be guided, delighted when Olivia pulled it beneath her shirt and pressed it to her breast, holding Alex's hand against her hardened nipple. "S' okay." She whispered between kisses and Alex let the pad of her thumb run over the nipple, growing bolder with each passing second that Olivia didn't pull away. Her hand cupped her breast, felt the weight of it, the roundness, the warmth.

Olivia moaned, low and deep against her lips. Alex's body hummed, she pulled back to look into Olivia's eyes. Her pupils were dilated, her breathing shallow.

"Can I?" Alex whispered, moving her hand to the bottom of Olivia's T-shirt.

Olivia nodded her consent, pulling Alex to her as they tumbled backwards onto the bed. Her breasts exposed to Alex, open to her. Alex pulled back to look at Olivia before bowing her head, pressing her lips to her chin, her neck, her chest. Olivia's fingers grasped at her, her hips moving upwards to meet Alex. God, she was gorgeous. She was encouraging her and Alex moved her lips to cover a nipple, running her tongue over the dark nub in a way she had wanted to for years.

"Oh," Olivia moaned above her, body shifting again.

Alex wrapped her mouth around the nipple and pulled with her lips before releasing and looking up at the brunette who was panting beneath her. "You okay?"

"Y-yes." Olivia nodded, wrapping her arms around Alex, pulling her close to her body. "It's nice."

Alex let her ear rest against Olivia's chest, listening to her wildly beating heart. She was certain those beats matched her own. She wanted to lay in Olivia's arms for eternity, inhaling the scent of her skin. If they were going to take it slow then she was going to thoroughly enjoy every moment of it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is totally off subject, but...can we just talk about - for one second - how terrible Olivia and Cassidy were? Like wth. It makes absolutely no sense.
> 
> Anyway, so happy you are all enjoying this. Thank you for the comments. They are quite the classic pair, aren't they?


	15. Chapter 15

Part 15

They wondered through Paris, stopping to take in the gardens, the Louvre – Olivia finding the inverted pyramid beneath the one outside endlessly fascinating, both deciding that the Mona Lisa, while historically fascinating and important was rather a letdown in person as they were both more taken with the impressionist painters – they took coffee at an outdoor café near Notre Dame, ate a prix fixe meal, and then had crepes near the Centre Pompidou, watching people walk through the square and taking in the abstract exterior of the museum.

Alex bought flowers for the apartment and they spent the evening in exhausted bliss in a lavender and rose scented bath. They faced one another, Alex watching the rise and fall of Olivia's chest as she breathed, their eyes finding one another over the light steam of the bath. Candles bounced shaky light off the bathroom walls. Olivia's head fell back against the edge of the tub, her eyes fixated on the light of a candle.

"Where did you go?" Alex's voice was soft against the sound of Edith Piaf singing in the background.

Olivia gave a faraway smile. "I feel bad the way I left things with Amanda. Yet, I don't…I was so upset with you when it began. I just keep thinking about it, thinking about how I hurt her.." Her voice was high, uneasy. "I know…I know you probably don't want to hear about her, I shouldn't have…"

"It's alright, Olivia. As you said, we're grown-ups." Alex nudged her with her foot and Olivia looked at her. "I feel like I did the same thing to Tom."

"Are we terrible people?" Olivia looked concerned.

Alex laughed, "no. Maybe, but…sometimes you just can't help wanting what you want and sometimes it hurts people. I've learned that. You can't always make everyone happy, Liv."

Olivia laughed deeply. "Believe me, I've never been good at making anyone happy."

"You make me happy. Even when you're being difficult."

"Oh, I'm difficult?" Olivia pushed her lightly with her foot.

Alex laughed. "Sometimes." And then she was leaning over in the water, crawling towards Olivia so that her body covered, hovered over the older woman. "Sometimes I don't know what I'm going to do with you. Sometimes you made me want to hurt you." She leaned her head down and bit Olivia's neck, light enough to not leave a mark but hard enough to make it hurt.

"Ow," Olivia laughed and pulled her head up so that she could kiss her. "You're bad."

"You haven't seen anything yet." Alex winked.

Olivia's eyebrows rose, as if in a challenge. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." Alex panted, curling in the water so that she was straddling Olivia and she thanked Joan in the back of her mind for providing such a large tub. She leaned down and pressed their lips together, Olivia opening to her, hungry and wanting.

In a state of slippery wetness, they traveled from the warm, watery shroud of the bath to the large, plush white bed. Olivia taking kindly, tenderly in a way she had not before. She was sweeter, softer with Alex, as if she wanted to make the past up to her, all the times she had taken so greedily. This was different and Alex delighted in the feel of Olivia's lips on her, the orgasm that overtook her felt out of control, wild, exhilarating. Olivia returned to her, brushed her damp hair from her cheeks and pressed kisses to her lips, her forehead, her neck.

"Liv," Alex whispered once she'd recovered.

"Mmm?" Olivia hummed, mesmerized by Alex's chest.

"Jesus, you're so wonderful."

Olivia laughed.

"Liv, can I…"

Olivia's expression went a little cold, uncertainty clouding out the relaxed atmosphere around them. She knew Olivia was panicking, knew that this was not easy for her, but Olivia bit her lip and looked up at Alex. Those beautiful dark eyes took hold of her, but there was a surrendering in those orbs.

She lay back on the bed, arms falling over her chests.

"Liv," Alex turned to face her, running her hand over Olivia's cheek, down her arm. "I won't hurt you."

"I know." Olivia whispered.

Alex leaned forward, pressing her lips to Olivia's cheek, taking her hand so that it left her right breast uncovered. She bowed her head, kissing the skin about her breast and Olivia moaned above her. "You can tell me to stop."

"Al, Alex?" Olivia's voice came, panicked.

"What?" Alex sat up then, looking down at the gorgeous brunette beneath her.

"Will you, will you be h-here? With me?" Olivia reached for her.

"Of course, I'm right here, sweetheart." Alex reached out to brush a strand of hair from Olivia's face, leaning down to kiss her. Olivia held her close, grasped at her. "I'm right here." She whispered, taking their combined hand to press Olivia's against her lips. "You're in control, Liv."

Olivia nodded, watching Alex's eyes intently.

Their hands moved, slowly, uncertainly, Alex's wrist coming to rest against warm wetness between Olivia's thighs. She rested there, still clasping Olivia's hand in her own. She watched Olivia, waited for the fear to subside and then she watched Olivia nod, their fingers slowly coming apart.

"You can tell me if it's uncomfortable." Alex whispered, dipping her head to kiss Olivia as her wrist pulled upwards and over her center so that her fingers could slid through velvet. Olivia shuddered, her thighs closing and then opening. She whimpered. "Okay?"

Olivia nodded and gave a little moan of encouragement.

"You deserve this, Liv. You deserve to have this."

Olivia's eyes were watery and she held Alex close, allowed her body to be given over as Alex's fingers moved over her center, making her jerk, but she didn't pull away. And she delighted in the sensation, in the way that Olivia's eyes fought to stay open, that she was losing herself to Alex. Alex's fingers moved deftly, easily about her, careful not to go further than Liv wanted. Yet, Olivia seemed to open to her with each passing second. Her body warmed to her touch, wanted more. Alex moved in circles, changing with the feel, the wants of Olivia's body.

Olivia panted, her lower half grasping, pushing at Alex, the little moans she elicited were thrilling. Alex pressed her lips to Olivia's cheek, burying her head against Olivia's neck to inhale the rose and lavender of the bath mixed with Olivia's own scent. She felt herself humming, her body ridiculously taut as she worked Olivia's.

Olivia's orgasm reverberated through her body. All those pent-up years releasing in a matter of seconds and Olivia was crying, tears wetting Alex's shoulder.

"Shh, it's okay." Alex held her close, wrapped her up in her arms.

"Oh, Alex…" Olivia gasped, wrapping herself close to Alex, holding her until the waves subsided and then they lay back sticky and sweaty.

And then Olivia was laughing.

"What's so funny?" Alex sat up on her elbow.

"It's not – it's not funny at all! I just…I can't believe…I've been such an idiot."

"No…no, absolutely not, Olivia. Absolutely not."

"You…you…" Olivia reached for her, pulling her close. "You gave that back to me…you gave it back."

Alex smiled as she wrapped Olivia up in her arms, kissing the crown of her head.

* * *

Amanda was running again. Because she'd gone off cigarettes. Because she'd decided that it wasn't healthy for her anymore and it had been a placeholder, a certain something to do when she was bored and didn't know what else to do. She wanted to be better, to get herself back in line.

So she ran. She was running through Central Park. It was chilly for the Spring day.

She was listening to music, oblivious to her surroundings – something she should be ashamed of since she was a trained detective and always noticed everything. But it was the weekend and she was tired of paying attention to the details, of being concerned by every little minute element around her.

She turned to race over a bridge, half-expecting to find a dead body hidden somewhere nearby, for she felt as if death and destruction were all that surrounded her recently. She was having dreams, nightmares about finding dead people in closets and bathtubs.

It wasn't like she had not been prepared for this line of work, she had always had a morbid fascination with life around her, had always been intrigued by criminals, motives, forensics. While other people in college had gone on dates, she'd stay in to read about famous criminals and their hallmarks, their pathologies. Given the chance she might have turned out to be a criminal herself, were it not for the police and the right side of the law. Sometimes she wondered what would have happened if she hadn't joined up. Would she be like her sister Kim?

She hoped she was never anything like her. She despised that they were related most days.

The bridge turned out uneventful. She passed over it without seeing a dead body or some other atrocity. There were only happy people walking past, tourists, runners, bikers, families, lovers…looking so content with one another. She felt uneasy.

She had confused infatuation with love. Admiration with feelings.

That had been all it was.

Olivia was a fucking badass detective. But personally…she wasn't whole.

Amanda didn't want to end up in such a way. She wanted to be whole, okay, right.

She ran forward, eyes only on the pavement before her.

She breathed in and out, out and in. Listening to the thumb of her shoes on the pavement.

It happened so suddenly. She hadn't noticed, hadn't seen.

And then she was tumbling, stumbling over something, catching herself with her wrist which felt immediate pain as it hit the ground. "Shit."

What had that been? She looked wildly around from her painful position on the pavement.

The tall, lean dog went circling about her, racing around after what could only be a squirrel, but somehow the dog noticed her, for she came guiltily over to where Amanda was sitting on the ground cradling her arm.

"What were you doing?" Amanda demanded. "You hurt me."

The dog sat down before her, twisting her head as if she understood what it was Amanda was saying to her.

"Well," her pained expression turned to intrigue. "Even though I'm mad at you for tripping me, you're actually pretty cute. Who do you belong to?" She looked around, expecting to find someone racing towards her to apologize for the rouge dog attack.

No one came.

Amanda looked at the dog's neck. There was no collar.

"Who do you belong to?" Amanda asked, reaching out with her undamaged hand to let the dog smell her. The cutie bowed her head for Amanda to scratch behind her ears. "Where did you come from? You're certainly trained."

But still no one came looking.

Amanda pulled herself up from the ground and glanced around again.

"Well, what are we supposed to do?"

The dog looked up at her, as if waiting for instructions.

"Jesus, you're cute."

* * *

"I've never…are you sure?" Olivia eyed the tall building before them, so gloriously placed at the center of the avenue.

"I'm certainly sure, the way you dressed for it was incentive enough." Alex winked, taken with the tight pink dress Olivia had chosen for the evening. Her own legs were clad in dark pants and somehow it felt right.

"You've been to one of these before?" Olivia turned to frown at her.

Alex laughed, "I have season tickets to the Met."

"Of course you do." Olivia frowned. "What if I don't understand anything?"

"They have subtitles. Now come on. I think you'll like this one." Alex took her hand and pulled her up the stairs and into the Opera Garnier.

They were seated in a box to the upper left. Olivia was mesmerized by the interior of the opera house, taken by the plush, expensive finishes. "I feel like I'm back in the 1800s."

"Gorgeous, isn't it?" Alex grinned.

The curtain rose on the opera _Der Rosenkavalier_ and Alex delighted in the way Olivia's eyes snapped wide open when she realized the two singers in the bed were women.

"There are lesbians in opera?" Olivia whispered.

Alex chuckled, "no, the one in pants is supposed to be a young man."

"It's clearly a woman." Olivia whispered back.

"That is, I believe, the point." Alex grinned and was delighted when Olivia's attention was thrust fully upon the production and she was astonished to find her crying by the last act.

"Why would she give him up?" Olivia wailed as they walked down the stairs after the curtain dropped for the last time. She'd applauded for all twenty minutes of the curtain call with tears in her eyes, so taken by the opera.

"She had to…I mean, I guess she didn't have to, but she felt like he deserved to be with someone who loved him, who could truly be there for him. She was married."

"But she loved him so much, it had to hurt her." Olivia insisted, obviously having fallen in love with the older Marschallin throughout the opera. And Alex could hardly blame her, for the role was dazzling with seductive and sexual nuances.

"So, does this mean that when we go back to New York you'll come with me to see other operas?"

"Depends…are there more of these so called "pants roles"?"

Alex winked, "there are. I think you might just like The Marriage of Figaro."

"Alright, when that's playing next you may take me." Olivia wiped at her eyes and they found themselves in the middle of a street in Paris somewhere near a fountain and Alex's heart was beating because she realized that Olivia had just made a long-term plan with her.

"Come here." Alex held out her hand to Olivia, finding her absolutely irresistible in that moment. "I want to kiss you."

Olivia giggled – as if she were a carefree young girl – and took Alex's hand, allowing her to pull her into her arms and kiss her there out in the open. Olivia looked up into Alex's eyes and her expression sobered only slightly. "Take me home."

* * *

The dog was sitting on her couch. Staring at her.

"Well, I suppose you can be up there." Amanda crossed and then uncrossed her arm, not wanting to believe that this adorable animal had put her hand in a cast. "You did this to me and now I have desk duty for the next - who knows how long!"

The dog turned her head and had the decency to look ashamed.

"Yeah, you should feel bad." Amanda tried to look angry but the dog was looking at her with those wise, knowing eyes. "Well," she plopped down on the couch next to her. "We put a notice out at the animal shelter near where I found you and you're up on the website. Too bad you didn't have one of those chips."

The dog bowed her head and lowered her eyes.

"I know. I kind of like you here, too." She laughed. "Oh my God, I'm talkin' to a dog. I must've really gone off the deep end."

The dog looked up at her and turned her head, a little confused whine came from her.

"Well don't be offended, I mean, I like talkin' to you." Amanda stared at the dog. "I wonder what your name is."

The dog looked up at her expectantly.

"I know this is really silly but you…you kinda remind me of my aunt. Fran. I know, that's probably not very flatterin', but she was a real nice lady. I always liked goin' to her house for the holidays. You would've liked her to." Amanda lowered her eyes. "I…I miss her. A lot. She was more of a mother than my own mother."

And suddenly there was a dog paw on her lap.

And just like that Amanda knew that this dog was hers and she hoped and prayed that no one would come forward to claim her dog.

"I think I'll call you Frannie. I mean…just for now."

Frannie lowered her head onto her lap and the two sat like that while Amanda flipped through her regular slew of mindless nightly television shows.

 


	16. Chapter 16

Part 16

It was the night before they were to fly home. There was an easy content that settled about Alex as she threaded her fingers through Olivia's hair. The brunette detective's head rested atop her stomach as they laid together on the couch. The Eiffel Tower glittered before them, Olivia seeming transfixed by it.

She had grown bolder in the past few days. Warmer, stronger, more adventurous, less concerned. She was freed, liberated, wore her hair curled and long, opting for dresses, wanting to be near to Alex at all times, and though they would venture out during the day for some time, always making sure to explore some new part of the city, Olivia would invariably beg to return to the apartment and she would open herself in a fevered passion that Alex found breathtaking, exhilarating for it had been so many years of having her closed off to her. And now she was emboldened with each passing day.

Only tonight Olivia shrugged Alex away when her hand slid from her hair to the peak of her breast.

"What's the matter?" Alex felt a panic welling up inside of her the instant Olivia shifted and moved to the other end of the couch.

"Nothing." Olivia coldly retorted. She was somewhere else.

"Liv." Something had changed that day. She'd felt Olivia slowly disengaging from her, pulling away bit by bit so that now she didn't even want to be close to Alex. "Is this about going home?" For it was all Alex could think. For it wasn't possible that Olivia could be mad at her…she had done nothing wrong that day. They had not quarreled nor had harsh words between them.

"I want to go to bed." Olivia reached for her wine glass and stood.

"Liv, it's only eight." Alex reached for her, laughing at how preposterous she was being.

"We have an early flight." Olivia pushed her away and moved towards the bedroom. "I didn't say you couldn't come." Her voice trailed after her.

Alex rolled her eyes and got up, feeling sick in the pit of her stomach. "Olivia, what is going on?" Alex followed after her but stayed in the doorway, watching as Olivia laid atop the bed and drank her wine.

She avoided Alex's eyes, shrugging.

"You've gotta…Liv, come on. We talked about this. You don't get to just shut down and not talk. That might have worked with other people but…I thought we were past this."

"We are." Olivia flicked something from the bedspread.

Alex took a deep breath, tension creeping into her shoulders. She moved forward, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Then talk to me."

Olivia shrugged again, quick, fast, annoyed this time. "It's going to change."

"What is?" Alex reached out to touch her foot, hating that on their last night they were so far apart. Olivia let her hand rest on leg for a second and then twisted herself free. As if ashamed.

"Us. This."

"Why?" Had this conversation played millions of times before in millions of different ways?! It was so ridiculous. "Liv, it doesn't have to change. Just because we won't be in Paris anymore."

"What if…" And she could see every scary, frightening scenario race through Olivia's mind then. "It won't be."

Alex ran a hand through her hair. A headache was coming. "No, Olivia. No, it won't be the same unless we work to make it the same. Unless we work on this. Together. But you cannot start catastrophizing right now. We're still in Paris for fuck's sake."

A tear slid down Olivia's cheek and she turned away from Alex to wipe it away.

"Do you not want to be in this with me?"

"Of course I do." Olivia huffed.

"Then why are you afraid?"

"Because that city…it's my…it's my life and nothing has ever worked for me except my job and I'm damn good at that job but it's morbid, it's raw, it's so painful and it's like I…I…like that." Her voice trailed off. "What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing, Olivia. Nothing."

"Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I be happily married and have three kids and emotionally stable and able to open up and share and relax and trust things?" Olivia mumbled.

"Liv," Alex crawled towards her, setting her wine glass down so that she could take her into her arms, pressing her tight against her so that she would calm down. "Everyone struggles with something. Everyone is afraid. It's not easy, none of it is."

Olivia whimpered against her shirt. "You don't want to be with me. I-I wouldn't want to be with me."

"Liv," Alex rolled her eyes. "I want to be with you." She looked down then at Olivia, wild and undone and upset.

"What's going to happen when we get back?"

Alex shrugged. "We'll see one another, we'll go to dinner when we can, spend the weekends together…nothing you don't want. We'll go as slow or as fast as we want to. There's no rush, Liv. No rush at all." Burying her lips in Olivia's curls, she kissed the crown of her head. "You can't beat yourself up living in the future and your past…just…just be here. With me."

Olivia let out a shaky, tear stained breath. "You're sounding like my therapist." She sat up, moving away from Alex even though Alex tried to pull her back again. But she was lost to her.

They spent the night together yet apart. It was torturous. Olivia's body seeking Alex only to pull away again.

The flight home was not the romantic flight of before. Something heavy was sitting between them, pressing down on Alex. She felt ill, had to pull herself up halfway through the flight to empty the contents of her stomach.

Olivia looked at her, concerned when she came back. Her brow worried, her hand reaching for Alex's. "You okay?" She whispered.

Alex leaned her head back against the plane seat, eyes closing. She felt nauseous. Flying never did this to her. "No." She whispered and Olivia held her hand tighter.

"Do you think you caught the flu?" Olivia tenderly pushed strands of hair from Alex's warm face.

"Maybe." Alex shrugged, knowing the next four hours of the flight were going to be hell. But at least, at least through Olivia's fear and panic that she was experiencing, she was still able to comfort her the best she knew how and once the flight landed back at JFK, Olivia took charge and was able to get Alex home and in bed with little effort on Alex's part. And Olivia didn't leave her side all evening.

* * *

"How you doin'?" Fin was at her side. He'd probably been watching her as she'd sat, spaced out and daydreaming, raking her fingers through her hair.

She shrugged, moving a case file to her completed pile. "Oh, just waitin' to get back in the action. Doctor said I'd be able to in a few days."

"Glad to hear it, Rollins. It hasn't been the same out there without you."

Amanda smiled.

"So, uh…guess things didn't work out so hot with Benson?" He had the decency to lower his voice.

She laughed and glanced around before shaking her head. "Uh, no. I called it off. I think she still has some stuff to figure out with Cabot. Judging by the fact they're in Paris together."

"Oo, yeah. That was a real shit move on her part." Fin nodded.

"Yeah, just a little. But, you know… maybe it's better this way. I don't wanna have to lie or sneak around and we work together. It'd be too hard…get too complicated."

Fin was still nodding. "It's okay to be pissed off, Amanda."

"Believe me…I am. But I…I can't stay mad at her."

"She's good people. Really, underneath it all. She's just always been a little squeamish when it comes to relationships."

Amanda nodded. "I got that."

Fin patted her on the back. "Chin up. The right one will come along when they're supposed to."

"Sure, sure." Amanda waved him off. Though she knew she was not on the market, not really interested in pursuing anyone at the moment. Because she had allowed herself such closeness with Olivia, allowing her to enter her deepest, darkest places…she had _almost_ told Olivia about what had happened in Atlanta. And Amanda didn't want _anyone_ to know about that. She didn't want people pitying her, looking at her like she was a victim, fragile. Because she wasn't.

And perhaps this was why she needn't involve others. At least not now…not until she could truly fix herself. Then…then maybe she could have someone. It wouldn't be Olivia…but she could continue a friendship with the woman, couldn't she?

* * *

This line of thought was soon tested.

She sipped the tea she'd picked up at the bodega, sinking back against the seat of the car. Her hand felt a little tight so that she opened and closed it to try and relax the muscles.

"Did something happen to your hand?" Olivia noticed the motion despite the fact her eyes were trained on the street corner.

"Uh, yeah…yeah. I tripped runnin' in the park a few days ago." Amanda felt idiotic. Though it really hadn't been her fault. Frannie had clearly been thrust in her path for some reason. The dog still remained in her care with no hits on whose she was. And Amanda was beginning to hope that no one would show up for the dog. She'd already bought her new bowls and some toys and a cute little collar with the name tag that had the name Frannie printed on it…so perhaps she'd gone overboard.

"I'm sorry to hear about that. Get stuck with desk duty?"

"Yeah, always fun." Amanda laughed dismissively.

They returned back to silence, having not anticipated a possibly overnight stake out alone together.

There was so much Amanda wanted to ask, to know. Yet, she also wasn't exactly sure where it was that they stood together. She ventured out on a limb. "So…how was Paris?"

Olivia made a rather surprised noise against her coffee cup. "Uh," she wiped at her chin. "It was…nice."

"Yeah?"

'Yeah." Olivia nodded, eyes hardly wondering from that damn street corner.

"You know you can…you can talk to me 'bout her. I'm not…I mean, I guess I am a little mad, but I'm not…I want to be your friend, Liv."

Olivia nodded, looking down at her lap for a second. "Uh, well…it was good. We…we got reacquainted. But I…" her voice trailed off, eyes lost to the outside world again. "You probably did the right thing. Calling it off."

Amanda nodded, sinking down in her seat. "I mean, I can't say I'm happy about it but I can see how it would be best. I mean us working like this…I think we make a good team."

"Yeah." Olivia turned to her and smiled. "Yeah, it's always nice having you on my side."

Amanda smiled back, feeling a certain relief in the fact that they could be smiling at one another. Her eyes returned to the street corner, breaking the contact. Olivia looked back as well.

"I think I make a better friend, anyway." Olivia's voice was low.

"Liv, I don't think you give yourself enough credit when it comes to relationships."

Olivia laughed humorlessly. She let her head fall back against the car seat. "Amanda, I really…I really didn't mean to hurt you and I hope that you…"

Amanda reached out and patted her hand. "I know, Liv."

Olivia turned to her with watery eyes. "Can we…can we start over?"

Amanda laughed. "Sure, you can try bein' a little nicer this time. Wait…" Amanda's eyes caught a glimpse of something, someone turning the corner. "That's the guy."

* * *

She didn't feel any better.

It had been a week of dizzy spells, nausea, torment.

She kept replaying the final day in Paris, trying to figure out what had happened, why it had happened. Had Olivia finally broken her so much that her immune system shut down?

She was dragging herself to work and court every day and yet every chance she got she was downing water or racing to the bathroom.

And the craziest thing was that Olivia had been an absolute angel about it. Olivia was bringing her lunch in the middle of the day, texting to make sure she'd eaten, to see how she was in the evening when they both had too much paperwork or work to connect, and every night Olivia would come to her apartment – using a key that Alex had entrusted to her – and climb into bed with her no matter how late work had dragged on that evening.

And Olivia would lay with her, holding her close, sitting with her if she was sick, pulling back her hair, making her drink fluids to stay hydrated.

It was on the fifth day that Olivia finally insisted that she needed to see a doctor because the sickness had gone on far too long. "If I call a doctor, will you go?"

"Liv," Alex laid back in her bed in the early morning light casting off the Hudson River outside her apartment windows. "I don't need a doctor. It's just the flu."

"Only it's gone on for too long." Olivia looked up from the e-mails she'd been glancing through. Her brow wrinkled.

"I feel better." Alex insisted.

"You were up twice last night." Olivia moved to sit on the edge of the bed, placing the back of her hand on Alex's forehead. "You're cool."

"See…the fever probably broke. I'm fine." Alex stuck her tongue out. And then a queasy feeling overtook her and she used Olivia to pull herself up and race to the bathroom.

"I'm calling the doctor." Olivia called out as she moved to the kitchen.

"I don't need the doctor." Alex retorted as she joined Olivia in the kitchen, annoyedly accepting the water and blue substance that Olivia held out to her. "Besides, you don't know my doctor."

"I'm a detective." Olivia's eyebrow rose. "I found your contact book in the drawer last night; her number is right here." Olivia held up the page she'd leafed to.

"Well aren't you just New York's finest?" Alex held the blue Pedialyte up in a woozy salute.

"You betcha, baby."

"Mm-mm." Alex shook her head and swallowed the raspberry flavored drink, wincing at the taste. "I hate 'baby'."

"Me, too." Olivia laughed.

"Can you get the unflavored kind next time? Or at least the orange one? This tastes like shit." Alex groaned.

"It was the only kind they had, Picky." Olivia spoke as she copied the found doctor's number into her phone. "I am calling her as soon as the office opens and you are _going_."

"I have court today. All day."

"You're _going_." Olivia insisted, pulling Alex close to her and pressing her lips against her forehead. "I have to go. But you will call me or text me if you need anything or if you feel worse."

"Yes, Doctor Benson."

"I'll be back tonight. I hope you feel better." Olivia frowned at Alex.

"Me, too."

"Take it easy."

"Go away." Alex exclaimed, pushing Olivia out the door.

And despite the fact she felt like shit she couldn't help the smile that spread its way across her lips. Olivia cared. Olivia wasn't running from her…

Then another wave of nausea came over her and she rushed to the bathroom.

Maybe she did need a doctor.

 


	17. Chapter 17

Part 17

Amanda watched as Olivia expertly cornered the guy. She was leaning over the interrogation table at this point, inches from him and he was so angry, looked like he might strike out at her and for a second Amanda was concerned for her until she remembered that the guy was cuffed and couldn't touch her.

"Yeah?!" The guy yelled. "If it weren't for bitches like you there wouldn't be a problem."

"What'd you mean bitches like me?" Olivia demanded, daring to get closer, to push harder.

The guy, Harry Vincent, charged of stalking professional women in bars on the Lower West Side and then raping them in their homes, crinkled his forehead and leaned in real close. "Oh, you're just like all those other stuffy ladies. You know you want a real guy. Not those prissy boys in their Wall Street suits and comb overs. Women like you want real men. I'm just giving them what they want, what they don't even realize they want until they have me."

"What is it about these women, huh?"

"Oh they're pretty, like you. They're polished, real professionals, always so put together, buttoned up. But they want to be wild. They want to be sexually liberated. And I can do that for them. They want me to do that for them."

Olivia slammed her fist down atop the photo of one of his accusers. He jumped. "You think she wanted it?"

He just smiled. "Hey lady, I didn't do anything she didn't want me to."

"Is that your story?"

"What is it you want, huh? You got a boyfriend, someone who fucks? Is he all tender and sweet and kind? But I see you…I see it in your eyes that's not what you want. You want to be destroyed…you'd want me to bend you over and fuck you so hard you were begging for your life."

"Is that what you did to these women?" Olivia was so calm and cool, her expression expertly unreadable. Neither closed off nor welcoming. Amanda's stomach knotted listening to the words coming from this guy's mouth.

"Course, but just like you they wanted it."

"Except they didn't." Olivia yelled. "Jessica here said she asked you repeatedly to stop and you continued to hold her down and force yourself into her. Kelly here, she said you blindfolded her and tied her hands so that she couldn't move and she begged you not to touch her."

"We were just playing."

"They weren't playing. They were being raped."

Harry laughed. "No way." He leaned forward, looking as if he were going to sweet talk Olivia. "I watched them, yeah, I did. I studied them and I saw it every time they turned down one of those pretty boys. And I knew, I knew they wanted to be overpowered."

"So you admit you were stalking them?"

"No, I was watching out for them."

"In the State of New York what you just said is considered stalking."

"Well then," Harry's face lit up. "If that's the case then I think I'd like a lawyer."

Olivia banged her fist against the table, picked up the pictures and headed towards the door.

"Why so stressed? Seems like you could use a good fuck right about now." Harry called after her.

Amanda watched as Olivia's stoic expression morphed into utter disgust as she joined the rest of the team in the observation room. "I want him in jail for the rest of his life." She groaned.

"I don't blame you. He's a creep." Amanda grimaced.

"But, we don't have a confession." Barba was standing there, had been watching. "He has still not admitted that he did anything wrong."

"We'll get him to admit it. Trust me. A jury is going to see right through him." Olivia flinched, picking up her abandoned phone as if she were expecting a message or a call. "Get him a lawyer, let's get this bastard."

"Uh, hey, Liv? I need to talk to you." Barba was next to her. Amanda frowned, watching as Barba pulled Olivia from the room. Amanda watched her through the blinds, watched as Barba whispered something to her. Olivia's big brown eyes suddenly grew even bigger and she immediately stepped back into the room.

"Hey guys, I have to…I have to leave. For a bit. Do you think you can h-handle this?"

Cragen glanced at her with concern. "Everything okay, Liv?"

"Uh, yeah…yeah, I just need to…it's a little emergency. I'm sure nothing bad." But the look on her face was not convincing.

Amanda followed her back out to the crib after Amaro assured her everything would be fine. "Hey, are you sure you're okay?"

Olivia glanced at her as she pulled on her coat. "Uh, yeah. Yeah. Alex just…they took her to the hospital and I think…I need to…"

"Oh, yeah. I hope everything is okay."

"Me, too." Olivia nodded, checking her phone again before smiling off-kilter at Amanda and leaving the office.

Amanda watched her go, realizing then that things with Alex were more serious than she had ever imagined them to be.

* * *

Alex hated hospitals and hated illness and hated being doted over in such a way. She felt foolish for having passed out in the middle of court! Just as she was about to give her well thought out and perfectly executed closing statement, she felt a light-headedness that gave way to darkness and the next thing she knew she was being poked and prodded by an EMT and it had all been such a fuss over nothing. She had passed out, so what. She was fine, wasn't she?

They were making too big of a deal about things. She wanted to get out of this ridiculous hospital bed and get back into court. Hospitals were cesspools for the sick and dying. She was neither of those things.

A nurse passed by just as Alex tried to slip from the bed to put her clothes back on.

"Where do you think you're going?" The nurse stopped dead in her tracks, turning an unamused eye on Alex. "Get back in the bed."

"But I'm perfectly fine…there's nothing wrong with me!" Alex insisted as the nurse put her back in the bed and tucked her in. "There's nothing wrong."

"That may be the case, but the doctor has not completed the tests yet, so you need to just lay back and relax. All those other things outside of your health can wait for now." The nurse scolded her. "Now sit tight or else I'll recommend some restraints." There was a playful gleam in the woman's eye, yet it felt like Alex should behave.

She leaned back in the bed and crossed her arms over her chest. She was fine. More than fine. Had she really passed out in the middle of court? Maybe she could spin it somehow to help her win the case. Would they put the trial on hold? She certainly hoped they would. She needed to call the DA…

"Hey you."

Alex's head shot up, finding Olivia Benson standing in the opening of the curtained off ER area in which she presently found herself.

"Olivia, what are you…what are you doing here?"

Olivia ran a hand through her hair, stepping forward slowly as if she were afraid to come too close.

"I'm not contagious. At least, as far as I know." Alex had to laugh at her hesitancy.

Olivia rolled her eyes and moved closer, leaning down to press a kiss against Alex's forehead. "What happened? Barba told me you passed out in the middle of court."

"That is what happened." Alex nodded, shifting so that she could sit up. "I'm fine...I'm just waiting for them to release me. I think it all kind of got out of hand."

"Did you eat lunch?" Olivia sat on the edge of the hospital bed.

Alex shrugged. "It got kind of busy."

"Alex, I told you…you needed to eat something and keep drinking."

"Well that is harder said than done when I have court."

"What happened?" Olivia's breath caught in her throat, the anger giving way to worry.

"I don't know. I just blacked out." Alex shrugged.

"Do you think…" Olivia looked down at her hands. "I mean, I'm not completely oblivious, I know the signs…I've been thinking…wondering…"

Alex's brow furrowed. What was Olivia talking about? It was just some ridiculous sickness. Sometimes she got struck over by illness for weeks when she wasn't looking out for herself.

"Alex, are you…" Olivia lowered her voice. "Are you pregnant?"

Alex felt the wind knock out of her lungs. A sharp pain stabbed at the pit of her stomach. Pregnant…oh, God. She had never thought…but she and Tom had used protection…she'd never been foolish enough to get pregnant before. And Jesus, what shit timing…just when Olivia was opening up to her, warming up to the possibility of really building something with her and if she were pregnant…that would, well, it would certainly complicate things.

"What?" Alex's voice rushed from her body, hardly even voicing the word at all.

"I mean, uh…you and Tom, I assume….and well, you were sickest in the morning…" Olivia reached out and put her hand on Alex's forehead, brushing her fingers through her hair.

"I…no, no. I can't be." Alex shook her head. "What about…no."

"Al, it's okay." Olivia whispered. "Whatever it is, it's okay." She took her hand, holding it as the doctor appeared.

"Well hello there," the woman smiled at Olivia, seeming nonplussed by her presence and close proximity to the patient. "Are you the…wife?" The doctor glanced through her notes.

Olivia shifted from the bed, "no, no…just uh…the friend. The girl friend."

The doctor nodded turning back to Alex, "would you like for her to be here while I talk to you then?"

"Yes, yes. It's fine." Alex waved it off, for she knew that the doctor was not going to tell her anything bad. She was perfectly fine. It was simply a flu.

"Well then, congratulations. You are pregnant."

"What…no. No, you see that's not possible. I…I mean, it is possible, but I…when? For how long?"

"It looks like," the doctor flipped open her chart, "you are almost sixty days along, so almost two months."

"What? But I've been…I've been drinking and…is that…I had no idea."

"We can run some tests but everything looks healthy so far. I'd like to get you in for a sonogram since you haven't had any prenatal care yet."

"Are you sure?" Alex was still in disbelief, somehow felt embarrassed to be having this conversation in front of Olivia. Maybe she should have sent her away so she didn't have to hear this…

The doctor smiled amusedly, "yes. I am going to see if I can get you in for the sonogram today before I release you. Congratulations again. I'll leave you two to talk."

Alex couldn't meet Olivia's eyes when the doctor left. She played with the itchy fabric of the hospital bed, realizing that something was growing inside of her and it made her feel queasy to think about. Alex had never thought about getting pregnant…there had been that one scare in college, but then it had all worked out, but now…two months! How could she have not known?

And Olivia, oh, Olivia was going to run. So far away.

"I don't have to have it, do I?" Alex's voice was shaky.

"What?" Olivia stepped back to the edge of the bed. Alex happened to catch the sudden shift that overcame Olivia. She realized she had been smiling and then when she'd said that…her face fell. "Al, you can't be…you can't be serious?" Olivia sat again beside her, reaching for her hand which kept picking numbly at the blanket.

Alex looked up at her, bewildered. "Don't you think this changes things a little bit?"

"Uh, yeah…yeah, it does." Olivia conceded. "But…I, I'm happy for you.

"You're going to run away if I…you're going to leave…"

"Shh," Olivia leaned over her, "Al, I've been so worried about you. You don't know how many thoughts went through my head. I thought you might have cancer or some life-threatening disease and then I realized that you might be pregnant and…it scared the shit out of me, yes, but I'm here. I'm still here. I keep…I keep showing up and surprising myself."

"What about Tom?" Alex whimpered, realizing that despite her best efforts she was crying because she had never seen Olivia looking so very serious, so very determined as she was now.

"You'll…have to tell him." Olivia sat back.

"What if he…legally he…"

"Alex," Olivia ran a hand across her forehead. "You've just found out you're pregnant. Let's deal with one thing at a time. Alright?"

Alex wondered if when she'd passed out she had somehow slipped into an alternative reality. For this was not the flighty Olivia Benson of only a week ago. Was the thought of a child so alluring to her that she would suddenly let go of all her insecurities so that she would face this with Alex?

But Alex didn't want her to be in this only because she felt somehow beholden to her and this…thing growing inside of her.

"Liv," Alex whispered, pulling at their combined hands. "Please don't…please don't be in this just because…"

"Don't even think that, Alex. Do not even say those words because I am not." Olivia insisted firmly. "This scares me more than anything I have faced in my life, but…I want to be here. No matter what. I realized that."

Alex felt the tears warm and wet down her cheeks. What had she done to deserve this?

"You need to take care of yourself right now, sweetheart. Let's get you a sonogram and then we can talk about this."

* * *

Amanda glanced up from her computer screen, feeling the exhaustion of the day hitting her hard. The whole Harry ordeal had left her feeling disgusting, in want of a shower and a nice cold beer. She had figured that she would not see Olivia again that day, for she had left nearly four hours ago and had been MIA since. Amanda could hardly fathom what it was the woman was dealing with then. For Alex's hospitalization on top of being spoken to so disgustingly had to have left her feeling off.

It was as if she had intuited her arrival, however, for as she glanced up Olivia appeared in the doorway, looking a little worse for the wear, a little glassed over, perhaps a bit in shock.

Amanda had the impulse to go to her, but she knew how Olivia operated. She'd spent enough time observing the woman to know that she _hated_ when people went out of their way to check up on her. She never wanted to be pitied or seen as weak. Amanda knew if she were to bombard her now it would look as if that was exactly what she was doing.

She let Olivia walk in, have a quick word with Amaro, and then she took her seat at her desk, glancing up and catching Amanda's gaze with her eyes. She looked a little annoyed, but then lowered her gaze to her computer.

Amanda realized she'd been staring, felt her cheeks warm, and she immediately went back to her own paperwork.

The minutes passed. Fin went home. Cragen left. Amaro had to pick up his son. It left them alone and Amanda found herself at the end of her necessary-for-the-day paperwork. She stood up, stretching from her fixed position at her desk. Her body groaned. Her wrist was stiff.

"Heading out?" Olivia's voice caught her as she was about to pull on her coat.

"Yeah, figured I should finish up for the night. Seems like you should, too."

Olivia glanced at her, eyebrow raised. "I'm leaving, too." Olivia shut down her computer and grabbed her coat.

"Was everything…is everything okay?" Amanda ventured to ask, shoving her hands into her coat pockets as she waited for Olivia to put herself together.

"Uh, yeah…yeah." Her brow furrowed then.

"She's not…sick or anything?"

"No…not sick. She's…she's pregnant." Olivia whispered the sentence without looking at Amanda.

"Oh."

"Yeah." Olivia nodded. "Do you wanna grab a drink? I have a bad taste in my mouth after that interrogation today."

"That was rough. He was slimy." Amanda agreed, feeling rather shocked by the fact that Olivia had just dropped that bit of information and then invited her for drinks. She felt as if she should say no, yet she could sense that Olivia needed to blow off some steam. "One drink, I've gotta get home to Frannie."

Olivia did a doubletake as they headed for the elevator. "Frannie?"

Amanda laughed, "my, uh, my dog."

"You named your dog Frannie?" Olivia's shock turned into laughter.

"She reminded me of my aunt." Amanda shrugged.

"So…you got a dog?" Olivia stepped on the elevator and pressed the Lobby button.

"I did…well, she kind of found me. You know how I hurt my wrist…yeah, that was her fault."

"And you fell madly in love at first sight?"

Amanda laughed, "something like that."

They meandered together to the bar down the street. Olivia ordered a glass of wine and Amanda got herself a beer. They sat down in a booth, both seeming to feel the stress of the day falling away with each sip of their drinks.

"So…" Amanda was still not certain what it was they were doing there. Together. After Olivia had just told her that Alex was pregnant. How had that happened? Certainly, Olivia had not fathered the child.

"So…" Olivia nodded, twirling her glass in her hands. "She passed out in court today. She's been sick all week, since we got back. She kept…she kept pushing herself and…ended up in the hospital. Turns out she's two months along."

"Jesus." Amanda wiped at her cheek.

"It's her…she was with someone before. A guy…this Tom guy. She's going to talk to him. We decided she needed to do that." Olivia seemed rather spaced out, shocked by it all. "That was…it was…surprising."

"How are you?" Amanda asked, realizing that Olivia needed a friend, needed someone to be concerned about her, even if she was acting as if she had a grasp on the situation.

Olivia laughed, "you know, it's the craziest thing, but I…I'm okay. I wanted to run, I tried pushing her away when we were away…and now…"

"Now you want this with her." Amanda turned her beer in her hands.

Olivia nodded. "I do. It scares me, but I do." She wiped at her chin and sat forward, "I'm sorry to be talking to you about it…"

"No, it's…it's okay. I, uh. I realized today how much she means to you."

"She does…she really does. But so do you. I still care about you, very much."

"I know." Amanda put her hand over Olivia's, firmly grasping her. "And I know, what that guy, that Harry, was saying earlier today…that's not you. At all. You don't want to be destroyed."

Olivia shook her head, patting Amanda's hand. "Maybe not."

* * *

Alex stood awkwardly in his foyer. It had been over a month since last she'd come to his place. He had looked at her glumly when he opened the door to find her standing there.

He crossed his arms over his chest. "What's this about?"

"Uh," Alex looked down at her feet, not taking her coat off nor removing her bag from her shoulder. She had no intention of staying any longer than was necessary. She had worried about how he would take it, had waited a week to even have the conversation with him because she had needed time to sort out the legalities, the things she wanted to say. "I just, I want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened between us and I hope you're okay…"

"I'm fine, Alex. What is this about?"

"Well, I found out that I'm pregnant."

She watched his face change then. From anger to surprise to a certain sort of elation. "You're…what? With my…but…"

"Yes. Yes, it's yours. I…I haven't been with anyone else besides Olivia."

He nodded. "And I take it you're…"

"Still with her, yes. And that is not changing."

He ran a hand through the back of his hair. "A baby?"

"Yes."

"And you're…you're keeping it?" He looked almost hurt at the possibility that she might not.

"Yes, and I…we, we want you to be involved, of course. However little or much you'd like. I won't…I won't limit you. Because it's yours as well. I just think we should have some kind of arrangement before it comes."

"What is it? When will it…"

"I don't know yet. I'm two months along."

"Can I…will you let me come to the appointments? Will you keep me updated?"

"Of course, of course. Whatever you want. I know, Tom, I know this is hard since I'm with Olivia, but I hope we can…"

"Yeah, it is kind of strange. I mean, I don't even know this woman and you want to raise our child with her?" His words were aggressive though his voice was no more aggressive than it normally was. He was simply going through the motions, was probably in as much shock as she had been when she'd found out.

"I know. I know, would you…I mean, I could arrange a dinner or, or something informal so you could get to know her."

Tom's cheeks were red, as if he might be angry or upset or sad. She couldn't tell in that moment.

"I know this is wild and unexpected. So unexpected. She's having a hard time, too. But I…I want to work this through. Whatever it is you need. I won't ask for anything more, anything you're not willing to give."

Tom nodded. "Let me…let me think about it. Okay?"

Alex nodded, feeling that sinking in the pit of her stomach again. "Okay."

She turned to go, feeling guilty and off-centered. For here was a man whom would have welcomed a baby with open arms in the relationship they had had before, but she had chosen to go the route of Olivia Benson and her up and down moods. She was choosing the less predictable route and she had made it clear to him that she was choosing Olivia, and yet she was uncertain in this conviction. She was waiting every day for Olivia to bolt, to race from her.

Yet, as she walked out of Tom's apartment building she found the woman standing beside her car, looking down at her phone. She glanced up, her dark hair falling away from her face as she did so, looking hopefully up at Alex. "How did it go?"

Alex shrugged. "He said he needed time to think about it…I think he wants to meet you."

Olivia put her arms around Alex and hugged her. "Well, I guess that is to be expected. He wants to make sure I'm good enough to have some part in raising his kid."

"Liv," Alex whispered against her neck. "It's your child, too."

 


	18. Chapter 18

Part 18

They sat together on the couch, each lost in their own professional world. Olivia was scrolling through information on her laptop, Alex stuck in a pile of case notes, though her head was anywhere but on her work and that was never good. If she didn't pull herself together the case would be lost.

She glanced over at Olivia's computer screen, noting the tabs she had open – for even if the older woman was the detective between them, she was still as observant. "What are you doing?" Alex asked, surprised to see page after page about the process of moving up in rank, Sergeant exams, Sergeant protocol and policies, etc.

Olivia looked sheepish for a moment. "I, uh," she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I was encouraged to move up…I guess people think I'm a little bossy."

Alex laughed, "a little?"

"Hey." Olivia playfully pushed her and then took her hand. "It'd be better money…"

Alex felt herself grow hot. For here was Olivia planning for _their_ future. "I think it's a very good idea. Do you need help studying for the exam? I was an excellent exam taker in my day."

Olivia grinned. "Oh, I don't doubt that."

Alex smiled back but felt somehow wary, worried that perhaps this was all too good to be true. Olivia, Olivia was here with her but for how long…

"Hey, what're you thinking about?" Olivia's brow creased and Alex wondered if she had been projecting her thoughts…that Olivia was now copying her expression.

"Nothing." Alex shook her head and looked down to her notes again, taking her hand away to scratch at her forehead.

"That wasn't nothing." Olivia insisted.

Alex took a deep breath. "I just don't know how long…" she felt tears and cursed her out-of-control hormones. For under any other circumstance she could have this conversation without crying.

"What?" Olivia leaned forward, running her fingers through Alex's hair.

"I mean, would you even still be here if I weren't…if I hadn't gotten pregnant…"

Olivia's lips twitched uncomfortably. "Oh."

"Yeah…oh."

"That's not what I meant…I…of course, of course I would."

"You wanted to run. That night in Paris…you wanted to leave me."

"No, that's not true. I," Olivia sat back, rubbing her forehead. "I wanted you to leave me."

"Why…why, Olivia? Why do you think everyone is going to leave or run or walk out on you? You don't give yourself a chance. You're not giving me a chance."

"Al, I'm still here, aren't I?"

"For now…for now you are. But what if…what if something happens? I just don't want you to feel like you have to be in this because of the baby…"

And as the words left her mouth she saw Olivia's lip quiver and a tear slid down her cheek. "Do you not want…"

"Liv, _of course_ I do. But I just…"

"You don't trust me." Olivia shied from her, realization dawning. "That's not fair…it's not…" Olivia no longer tried to quell her tears. "Alex…you know everything there is to know about me. You know that I have issues trusting that things will be okay…you know about my childhood, my family…and I…I've been working…s-so hard." She closed her eyes as if the whole world were slipping away from her. "I want to be better…I don't want you to doubt me." Her voice was so tight and high and light as a feather and Alex had never seen her like this before. "You-you left before I could come to terms with how I felt about you. I know…I know I could have figured it out sooner but when I thought…when I thought you…when I thought you were d-dead…" Olivia stopped to catch her breath and Alex moved closer, taking her hands into her own. Holding space. Listening, because she needed to hear this. Olivia raw, open to her. "I-I was so lost and then when you didn't die but they had to take you away anyway…it was like something else…someone else was being ripped from me and I lost you. I didn't…I didn't know when I'd see you again and…I numbed the pain. And then when you came back and I knew you were here and you didn't respond I figured you were lost to me forever…and it was hard for me to trust in something more with you… but now, now…we're here. We're here finally and I don't want you…I don't want you to leave."

"Liv," Alex pulled her into her arms. "I'm not going anywhere." She kissed her forehead, feeling Olivia's fear and grief and angst so acutely. "Thank you…thank you for telling me. It…it seems like maybe we both are having trust issues. But…we can work on that, can't we?"

Olivia nodded against her shirt. She could feel her exhaustion from opening up so much. Alex was quite certain that was the most she'd ever heard Olivia talk about herself.

"I want to be here." Olivia's arms wrapped about her, hand coming to rest on her stomach.

Alex nodded, pressing her lips to Olivia's head, pressing her hand against Olivia's where it rested against her…against this child growing inside of her.

"Would it…would it make you feel better if we went to therapy? Together?" Olivia asked, playing with the fabric of Alex's shirt, eyes trained on their hands.

Alex considered this. Perhaps it was what they needed after all that they'd been through together. Perhaps they needed someone outside of them to moderate, to help them learn to trust again. "Yeah…yes, that might be good."

Olivia looked up, smiling at her, those gorgeous eyes shining from tears yet shimmering with a hopeful, happiness. "Yeah?" She kissed her.

"Yes." Alex nodded, leaning into her lips again and again and perhaps it would have fallen into something more – for her body had been so alive since finding out she was pregnant and Olivia seemed to only crave her more – except they both heard Olivia's phone ringing. And it could only mean one thing.

"Shit." Olivia reached for her phone, reluctantly pulling away from Alex to answer. "Benson…yeah…okay, be there soon." And so they parted, Olivia promising to be back no matter how late for she knew how silly Alex had also become about sleeping alone.

* * *

Amanda held the coffee cup in her hands, looking down into its dark surface.

"I haven't felt like gamblin' for over a week. I even watched a Knicks game the other night and didn't have the urge."

"That's really good." Jonah smiled encouragingly.

Amanda nodded, watching as she opened and closed her hand.

"How are…uh, how is everything else going? You were kind of upset the other day. About Olivia."

Olivia. Yes, everything had to come back to Olivia. Couldn't she just be rid of her? Couldn't she make it so that whatever it was that Olivia did or said didn't affect her at all? She already saw her nearly every day at work. They had coffee together, occasionally Olivia would ask her to drinks after work. They were almost friends, and perhaps they really could be that.

"Uh, yeah. I mean, I wasn't upset. Just…it was shocking to hear that the other woman she was involved with, Alex, got pregnant."

Jonah sat back and nodded his head. "Yeah, that, uh, that would be shocking. How are you…how are you handling it?"

She looked at him, this kid – for he had to only be in his late twenties and yet he had such a warm maturity to him, a certain way in which he held himself. His beanie cap hid his smooth, dark hair, his mustache was perfectly trimmed about his lips. He was the perfect embodiment of the Brooklyn hipster Amanda had come to recognize in her profiling of the city. Yet, she found him endearing and sweet after having, at first, been concerned about having some young dude as her sponsor in Gambler's Anonymous. Now she found a certain comfort in his cool confidence and easy manner of sharing with her. She could tell him anything and it would infinitely stay between them for they had no personal or professional ties at all. Only these once or twice weekly meetings.

"You know what," Amanda sat back. "I think it's better than I thought. I kinda realized that she wasn't really the right person for me. She had…has so many issues. Issues that I don't think would have jived well with me and my own issues."

"Did she trigger you?"

"Oh yeah. We had a fight and that sent me down a huge spiral. She had some, uh, sexual hang-ups that I didn't understand at first. And instead of talkin' to me she just ran away. You know…I expected her to be more grown-up about it." Amanda sipped her coffee, settling the cup back down. "She's not…she's not who I once thought she was. I…I worshiped her before I came to New York and then I got to know her. I respect her as a detective, just…I don't think we were good together. It felt too difficult, too heavy."

"Sounds like you made the right decision then."

"Yeah."

"I think it's important that you're taking care of yourself right now."

"Yeah, that's the craziest part. I actually feel really good taking care of me. I…uh, I haven't had a cigarette for two weeks. That's…that's the longest I've gone since I started smoking. Ever. And that's pretty big for me. And I have this dog now…I mean her owners never claimed her so I've basically adopted her and I get to come home to her every night and it's been so nice." Amanda felt the smile on her face, felt the way in which it made her light up. She felt lighter, freer than she'd been in quite some time.

Jonah smiled at her, "sounds like you're in a good place right now."

"Yeah, yeah I think I am. I'm thinking that perhaps a relationship just isn't for me right now." Amanda finished the coffee. "I, uh, I want to be there for her, you know if she needs, as a friend."

"Can you do that without getting hurt?"

Amanda nodded, thinking about how it felt to be with Olivia, when they'd go out alone together now, when she'd see her. It was no longer the longing of before, it was something else. It was seeing a human and all of her flaws and accepting her for them, but not feeling as if she had to be a part of them. Instead she could hold space for Olivia. "I think I can. I think it'll take some more time to heal completely, but she…she means a lot to me and I wouldn't want to just completely shut her out. We do have to work together anyway."

"That complicates things."

"Yeah, it was stupid to get involved in the first place, probably."

Jonah shrugged, "it was an experience. Whether good or bad, now you have this experience, this connection and that can be a beautiful thing."

Amanda smiled, "yeah, in a way it really is beautiful. I am glad to have her in my life. She's taught me a lot."

* * *

"Are you okay?" Alex looked up from her phone, manically checking her phone, fielding e-mails that had cropped up over the day.

Olivia glanced up from her own phone, her brow staying furrowed. She needed her reading glasses. "Huh?"

"I mean…with this. You're not…"

"Al, it's fine." Olivia's face turned into a smile. "I'm looking forward to it. I mean…I'm not _looking_ forward to it…but I'm not nervous about it."

"Okay, but it's kind of weird, right? It would be like if we had dinner with Amanda."

Olivia's cheeks went a little red. "Would you have dinner with Amanda?"

"Well you go out with her often enough. Sometimes I feel like I should get to know her."

"You're not…please don't tell me you're jealous."

Alex laughed, "no. Not anymore. I mean I'm not thrilled you slept with her…"

"And I'm thrilled you slept with him?"

Alex shrugged. "Touché." She sat back in the cab, feeling overdressed for the occasion. She'd tried to look casual but had only succeeded in overcompensating by wearing her favorite white dress and pointy black heels. Olivia had been smitten with her, so taken that she had been a little handsy, a little overly enthusiastic when she'd come to the office to get her for their dinner and now they were a little late. "I mean, I get it. She's a very attractive, _young_ woman. She kind of has a Cate Blanchett vibe to her."

"You know, I always thought that, too." Olivia nodded, shutting her phone and putting it in her purse.

"No wonder why you liked her so much." Alex wiggled her eyebrows at Olivia and Olivia blushed hard.

"Stop…"

She leaned in, so that she was really close to Olivia's ear, so that the cab driver wouldn't hear her. "Too bad we couldn't bring her home with us…"

"Alex!" Olivia coughed. "No way in hell. We're barely back on solid ground as it is." Olivia nudged her away. "You're bad. This pregnancy is really getting to you."

"You know you've thought about it." Alex shrugged and turned back to the e-mail she'd been working on.

Olivia said no more.

They arrived at the restaurant only fifteen minutes late – which by New York standards was practically on time. Tom was waiting at the bar. He greeted Alex with a quick kiss to the cheek and then extended his hand for Olivia. "We met at that gala."

Oliva nodded, "yes, we did."

"Good to see you again." Tom seemed cordial. Alex was intrigued, grateful.

"Well, shall we have a seat?" Alex suggested, her nerves getting the better of her. She wished she could drink because she would certainly have loved a drink during this conversation.

They got a table towards the back and Olivia ordered a glass of wine and Tom a vodka tonic. Alex was forced to drink water. Olivia and Tom somehow found some common ground on the strangest of topics – a shared interest in the Metro system and all of the hidden, unused stations that no one knew about. Alex nearly felt invisible as Olivia and Tom seemed to get on so well with one another. She probably could have left and they would still be talking. She even watched him smile and for some reason that made her happy – that Tom could like Olivia, could see her charms despite their current predicament.

When the main course arrived, it seemed the time had come to talk about things.

"So, I've given it a lot of thought." Tom spoke as he cut his steak perfectly. "I wasn't too happy about being a father without really being able to be a father."

"But, Tom, we want you to be there."

"I know…I just, you know, always envisioned getting married, living with my wife, then having a baby and this…well, this is definitely not what I would have wanted, not what I expected anyway. But…I see that that is really out of my hands. And, if I can speak frankly, I feel like I like Olivia. It's been nice talking to you this evening."

Olivia gave one of her awkward, uncertain smiles.

"So, uh…I guess I'd like to draft something where I could have some weekends maybe? Not at first, of course. I think the baby needs to stay with you until it's eating on its own and maybe old enough to walk around, you know. I wouldn't want to just take the baby away, but I'd like to have at least visitation rights until then."

"Of course, I think that's perfectly reasonable." Alex nodded.

"I can have a friend of mine draft something up." Tom gave her a quick smile.

"Yes. I'll have my lawyer look over it." Alex laughed.

Tom laughed, "when lawyers need lawyers."

"Tom, thank you." Alex covered his hand with hers. "Thank you so much. This…it really means a lot to me, to us."

He nodded. "I guess…we'll be getting to know one another more." He turned to Olivia then.

"Yes, I guess so. I, uh…I look forward to it." Olivia smiled and Alex could tell by her expression that she truly, actually meant that. And Alex was pleased, so pleased that they could work this out so well. For she could have seen it go in a million different ways, but she was certain that while Tom would have wanted to parent with her, he was probably scared of it as well. He was young still, good-looking, had a great future ahead of himself to have his own family and she didn't want to keep him from this. He seemed to understand that.

They parted ways, Tom promising to call her in a few days.

Olivia had been a saint, just an angel the whole evening. Though it did not come as a surprise that as soon as they were back in Alex's apartment Olivia's hands were on her, ridding her of her dress – which had grown tighter, which only meant she was expanding.

And afterwards they laid together, Olivia running her fingernails down Alex's back.

"My lease is up next month." Olivia whispered in the dimly lit room.

The corner of Alex's lips turned up. She turned slightly so that she could look up at Olivia who had her head propped up on her hand. "Oh yeah?"

Olivia smiled and leaned down to kiss her. "Yeah."

"Got a place to go?" Alex mischievously prodded.

Olivia shrugged. "Maybe."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looks like things are starting to wrap up...sorry for the late post! Long day. It's a good thing I write fast. ;) Hopefully you all enjoy this rather lighthearted chapter and I apologize for giving everyone a little PTSD about Olivia's behavior. She's a good girl underneath it all. Anyway, thanks again for reading! I feel it coming to an end. :)


	19. Chapter 19

Part 19

There were balloons everywhere. A mountain of balloons littering the apartment. How on earth had they all gotten there? Where would the guests even sit, let alone stand?

"Why the hell are there so many?" Olivia was equally perplexed.

"I think this was Joan's idea of party decorations."

"Does she think your apartment is the size of Grand Central Station? What are we going to do with all of these?" Olivia was lost to her in a sea of purple and gold and blue balloons. "We have to get rid of some of them."

They both heard the buzzer and Alex pushed her way through the balloon maze to answer the door. It was Joan. Joan was the first to arrive and she entered in a cloud of perfume, dazzling and radiant as ever. "Oh dear, there are far too many balloons. I had no idea." She clasped her hands before her face. "We'll just have to shove some in the bedroom. Not you, dear." She turned to Alex, stopping her from lifting a finger. For she was eight months along and everyone was treating her like she was a fragile doll. "Go sit on the couch and Olivia and I will take care of this."

And Alex fell into the couch, relieved to be off her feet after a brutal day in court. She knew, could see it in Olivia's face, that she had had her own rough day. But the beauty was a trooper and had not lashed out nor fought her one bit. She'd been enthusiastic about preparing for the baby shower. As Alex watched - running a hand over her stomach, feeling the baby growing inside of her kick at her hand - she caught Olivia's eye and couldn't help but smile. The brunette winked at her as Joan carried on about something she'd seen on the news, some case that she wondered if Olivia was a part of. She always liked to hear all the gruesome details and would pump Olivia for anything she was willing to give.

The doorbell rang and soon the apartment was full of new and old faces. Tom was one of the first people to arrive. There were people Alex hadn't seen for years there, the entire SVU squad was there (including a certain blonde detective she had rigidly greeted), a few judges and DAs, and she was shocked when Elliot Stabler actually showed up with a dozen roses for the both of them, looking like a shy dog with his tail between his legs. She watched as Olivia, shocked by his appearance, welcomed him in with a warm hug and kiss. Alex had invited him, hardly expecting for him to show up now when he'd hardly contacted or seen Olivia after leaving SVU, as if he were embarrassed. She recognized the hurt in Olivia's eyes along with the happiness at having him there in the flesh.

"I had no idea…" Olivia gasped.

"Well, Alex invited me and I felt like I owed it to you, to her to come. It's…uh, it's really great to see you Liv. It's really nice. You look…happy." He was so hesitant with her and Alex found it rather endearing, this reunion.

"I'm glad you came." Alex hugged him.

"Thanks for inviting me." He whispered to her.

Olivia stared on perplexed, as if she was seeing a ghost. It took Elliot making a joke to get Olivia to crack a smile. "Hey, Liv, I'm happy to see you finally came to your senses about Cabot."

"Shut up." Olivia hit his arm. "Hey, I'm still upset with you."

"I know that, Liv. I, uh, I owe you an apology."

"Well, I think you two should catch up, don't you think?" Alex squeezed Olivia's hand, pressing a kiss to her cheek before leaving Olivia to her own devices with her ex-partner.

* * *

"Who's that?" Amanda asked, standing awkwardly in the corner of the room, for though she recognized many of the people at the party she still only _knew_ a few of them.

"That's Elliot Stabler. Damn, I had no idea he was going to show up. The bastard." Fin shook his head.

"Elliot Stabler…as in Olivia's ex-partner?" Amanda remembered the name, remembered finding an old business card lodged in the top of one of her desk drawers. Elliot Stabler, oh the things he knew about Olivia. All those years they'd spent together. And she could feel a magnetic pull between the older woman and this man.

"Yup, that's the guy." Munch nodded. "I had no idea I'd be seeing him again."

The guys advanced forward, easily greeting this Stabler guy, slapping him on the back, hugging him. There was such an affection for him. Amanda ended up beside Olivia in the fray of the SVU reunion.

Olivia who felt now so very far removed from her. For here was Olivia in a home she now shared with Alex Cabot. Olivia whom had an ex-partner that predated Amanda at SVU. Olivia who had nearly opened herself to her but was now as familiar as a close friend might be. And Olivia looked at Amanda and smiled at her. "This is Elliot Stabler, my old partner." She said proudly as if he were her husband. "Elliot, this is Amanda Rollins, the new detective they brought in after you left me."

"Amanda, nice to meet you. Hopefully you've outshined me and made them all forget I ever existed."

"Don't think I could do that." Amanda bashfully let her hair fall against the side of her face.

"Rollins' a good kid." Fin patted her on the back. "She'd make you proud, Stabler."

The reunion continued on and Amanda found herself slowly slipping away, feeling as if she were not a part of this particular group. They needed to have their time with this old familiar face and she…well she didn't really fit into that. So she went to get another drink because she always felt awkward at events like these. Especially since it all felt so real being here, here in this home, this gorgeous apartment. Seeing where Olivia returned home to every night, seeing Olivia's relationship in the flesh. She saw how Olivia interacted with Alex, the way in which they seemed so in sync even if they were across the room from one another. And could Amanda ever have such a thing?

"And who might you be? You are absolutely stunning. Has anyone ever told you that you are a dead ringer for Cate Blanchett?"

"Hmm?" Amanda looked up from the hors d'oeuvres table. "I, uh…no…" She turned to find an attractive older woman with silver hair poof-ed up into a perfect bouffant, encased in a simple black smock, dripping in imaginative necklaces. "Who are…"

"Oh, darling. I am Joan. A friend of Alex's. And how might you come to be here? Let me guess…you must be one of those devilish detectives. I see it in your eyes."

"I, uh…yes. I'm Amanda. Amanda Rollins. I work with Olivia…"

"Young, blonde. Ah." There was a knowing look that struck in the depths of Joan's lavender orbs, as if she knew her. What did she know? Certainly, Alex wouldn't have told this woman about her and Olivia. It was so long ago…so irrelevant. "Yes, I see. Perhaps today might not be as much of a celebration for you as it is for them."

"Listen, I don't know what you think you know, but I am happy for them. Olivia is a very good friend."

"I didn't mean any offense." Joan held up her hands in mock surrender, amusement playing on her face.

"How did you say you knew Alex?"

Joan took her hand and patted it. "Listen, darling, I'd much rather know more about you."

* * *

Alex had watched Olivia pull Elliot into the bedroom several moments before and she felt that that was probably a needed conversation that should be had outside of prying ears and eyes. She trusted Olivia enough to know that it was not some romantic reunion, only a way for them to reconnect after all of these months apart. She had seen how it had affected Olivia – had borne the brunt of that pain when it had happened – so she was more than thrilled for them to talk it out.

She fell into conversation with Elizabeth Donnelly, having not crossed paths with her for years. It had been so nice to see her, though while they conversed Alex happened to glance up and noticed that Joan was cornering someone. Someone with blonde hair and a rather uneasy expression. "Uh, will you excuse me. I'm so sorry." Alex turned to Elizabeth with an apologetic glance.

"Of course."

Elizabeth helped her up from the couch and she walked – or more like hobbled – across the living room, reaching for Joan's shoulder.

"Did Joan find someone new to torment?" Alex dropped her hand, crossing her arms over her chest.

Amanda looked at her wildly, confusion etched in her brow.

"I just found her so beguiling I simply had to speak with her." Joan smiled sweetly.

"Uh huh." Alex's brow raised. "Well, she was just the person I wanted to talk to, so…if you wouldn't mind."

Joan was laughing. "I'm going to get a breath of fresh air. I leave her in your capable hands." She bowed and stepped away, leaving Alex and Amanda face-to-face.

"I am so sorry about her. I have no idea what it is she had to say but I apologize." Alex offered noticing how Amanda's body was rigid.

"Seems like she knew who I was." She brushed her hair from her shoulders.

"Yeah, I, uh, I met her at a low point. She's harmless though." Alex offered her an easy smile. "I'm sorry." Alex felt her heart pounding, feeling the animosity hanging between them. She no more disliked Amanda any more than Amanda disliked her. It was a rather moot point and she rather wished they could just make nice. For Alex knew how much Amanda meant to Olivia, how Olivia relied upon her as a detective, as a friend.

"S'okay." Amanda shrugged, shoving her hands into her jacket pockets.

"Listen," Alex moved in a little closer. "I really do want to apologize. For everything. And I want you to know that I am happy that Olivia has you in her life."

Amanda nodded, looking down at her feet. "You two, you look like you fit together." Her voice was low. "I see, I see what she sees in you. And I don't think…I don't think…she and I…we're so similar."

Alex nodded, wishing she could somehow ease the situation for Amanda. For she didn't want her to feel as if she couldn't speak freely to her. For Olivia and Tom had forged some kind of relationship – she'd seen the ridiculous text messages they sent one another – so perhaps she and Amanda could at least be cordial. She reached out, putting her hand on Amanda's arm. "I don't want us to be enemies in any of this."

Amanda shook her head. "No, it wouldn't be worth it."

"I hope we can…I mean, you're always welcome here."

Amanda smiled. "Thank you."

* * *

Amanda wasn't sure if she was enjoying the way in which Alex was pandering to her or not. There was such a look of guilt on her face, such sadness for in a way they both understood one another when it came to Olivia. But Amanda was no longer upset about how things had turned out. She knew that Olivia was in capable hands now.

And she found that she quite enjoyed Alex, enjoyed how after their awkward first few words together they had somehow turned into a comfortable conversation with one another. She liked Alex, found her brain enviable, her knowledge of the legal system impressive.

It was only when Amanda glanced up and found Olivia standing before them that she realized she'd been disputing due process with Alex for the last fifteen minutes.

"Uh…hey, don't want to interrupt." Olivia ran her hand nervously through her hair and Amanda couldn't help but laugh.

"Well, you were taking your sweet time with Stabler so I thought I'd have my fun with Amanda." Alex winked up at Olivia and the brunette had the decency to blush.

"I think there was someone over there who wanted to talk to you." Olivia offered her hand to the blonde attorney, pulling her from the couch that she and Amanda had ended up on.

"I guess I must be going now." Alex turned to Amanda as she stood up. "It was nice. Chatting."

"Yes, it was." Amanda smiled and watched as Alex moved to the other half of the room, her body round and full and gorgeous.

Olivia sat down beside her. "I am sorry if that was…uncomfortable."

"No. Liv, she's wonderful."

Olivia nodded.

"Liv, you two belong together. I should've…I should've seen that from the beginning."

Olivia turned worried eyes on Amanda. "But you…you're doing okay?"

"I'm fine." Amanda patted Olivia's hand which took hers in her own. "Really, Frannie and I have been going for long runs in Central Park together and I've been seeing my sponsor and I've just been enjoying getting to know myself. Really, I'm happier than I've been in a long time."

Olivia still had her brow furrowed, as if not convinced.

"Liv, I am happy. And I am happy that you are happy."

Olivia gave her a small smile then. "I am glad to hear that."

"Now, when are we eating cake? And when are you tellin' everyone the gender of the baby?"

* * *

Alex would have had it no other way. She had already passed out once in the middle of court so it seemed like the natural course of events that while giving a convincing closing statement her water broke.

She remained calm as it felt like everyone around her was panicking. She felt the ambulance was rather unnecessary and she had the peace of mind to call Olivia. And even though Olivia did not answer on the first or second try, she did not panic. For she knew that as soon as she had gone into labor in court there would be some sort of chain of command that would pass the information along so that no matter where Olivia was she would soon get the word.

Besides, Alex reasoned through puffs of air, the baby wouldn't come for a little while. There would be time and as if she had ordained it to be, she ended up in labor for four hours before they were able to reach and track down Olivia who came running in, panic and fear and excitement playing on her features as she moved to Alex's side and grasped her face in her hands, kissing her. Asking her so many questions, making sure she was okay, wanting to know if she was in pain. And of course, she was but it somehow lessened with Olivia now by her side.

It was another three hours of ups and downs and Alex had no idea that something could be so painful. And yet as she screamed at the top of her lungs in pain, pushing and pushing for what felt like unending hours – it all suddenly seemed worth it when she felt the release and heard the cry of a baby and saw Olivia's face about her crying and looking so happy.

"Al, Alex…he's here."

Alex sat up drowsily, exhausted to see her baby for the first time, the nurses wiping him clean so that he could be laid on her chest and then she was crying as he calmed down and rested in her arms. And he was the most precious thing she had seen in the world. He had his father's eyes and a blonde head of hair.

"Alex, he's perfect." Olivia whispered, stroking her hair, holding them both close.

"He is…he is." Alex wept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How many people can fit into one chapter? Apparently quite a few. Anyway...sorry, I took a night off! One more little chapter to go. I feel as if I cannot make everyone happy, but I tried. Thanks again for following along and I hope you enjoyed this little update. :)


	20. Chapter 20

Epilogue

-Five Year Later-

"Charlie, baby, we've got to go!" Olivia held the boy's backpack in her hand, scrolling through the millions of e-mails that had come in overnight, no longer looking at Alex who was clearing dishes from breakfast, half-dressed for the day.

"Olivia…we really need to talk."

"I know," Olivia sighed, hardly able to pull herself away from the Goddman phone. And this was how it had been since she'd moved up again to Lieutenant and she was heading SVU and even if she were home she wasn't _really_ home.

Alex snatched her phone away.

"Hey." Olivia looked pissed, had been distant for weeks and Alex wasn't exactly sure why. And she had let it slide, up to a point.

"Olivia, look at me." Alex reached for her hip, pulling her close to her. "Whatever is going on we need to talk about it. You're not slipping away from me."

Olivia rolled her neck, putting her hand over the hand which was holding her phone. "Al, there is nothing going on. It's just been busy."

"We haven't had s-e-x for over a month."

"It's been busy…" Olivia whispered under her breath, knowing that Charles would be running in at any moment, not wanting him to feel the tension.

"What is happening?" Alex did not like feeling like the crazy one, nor did she enjoy sounding like the crazy one either.

Olivia's face softened, looking into Alex's eyes as she had not done for so long. It had felt an eternity since they had really connected. She took her phone back and put it in her purse. "Sweetheart," she cupped Alex's cheek. "You've gotta listen to me when I tell you that nothing is going on. It's Tom's weekend with Charlie. We'll have dinner, we'll talk then. Yeah?"

Alex felt the tension she'd been holding in her stomach dissipate slightly at this promise, at this change in Olivia from distant to there.

"It's been so busy."

"Tell me about it." Alex rolled her eyes thinking of her own workload. Since moving to a new position helping abused women and children she was called out at all times of the day and night. Maybe they were just off-kilter for the moment, maybe the distance wasn't what she feared it to be.

They had worked through so much in the last five years. So many fights and tears and scares while keeping their head afloat for Charles. And all the while somehow managing to come back to one another.

"Coming Mama." The five-year-old came tottering into the room wearing a tutu and Alex's heels.

"Oh, baby." Olivia rushed to him, pulling him into her arms. "Aren't you the belle of the ball?"

He nodded and Alex laughed, rescuing her Louboutins.

"I want to be pretty like mommy." He ran a hand through his sandy blonde hair.

"You are just as beautiful as mommy." Olivia winked at Alex. "But we have to go to school. Do you want to wear your pink shirt?"

"I want to wear my tutu." He insisted, having discovered this contraption in the ballet class that he had insisted on taking after they had taken him to see the Nutcracker at Lincoln Center. All the little girls in his class had gotten to wear one so he wanted to as well. Now they could scarcely get him out of it and neither really wanted him to have to take it off.

Alex looked at Olivia and shrugged. They lived in New York after all. "Okay, baby. But you've gotta put on your real shoes." Olivia instructed.

"Okay Mama." He raced wiggled from her arms and raced to put on his Spiderman light-up shoes.

Alex laughed, loving to watch Olivia with him, loving when she handled him so lovingly. Tom had been skeptical about the ballet, Olivia had not batted an eye. "You're ridiculously sexy when you're Mama." She leaned in and kissed Olivia, the spark igniting between them for a brief moment. Olivia's hand sneaked up her back beneath her shirt and she was enjoying the missed connection when Charles raced back into the kitchen.

"I'm ready Mama." He threw himself at both women, separating them so that he could climb up into Alex's arms. "Goodbye Mommy." He pressed his adorable pink lips to her cheek and then climbed back down, holding out his hand for Olivia to take. It was adorable to observe how very regimented the boy could be, as if he took after Olivia and her little idiosyncrasies.

"Goodbye honey. Goodbye Mama," Alex laughed, moved close to Olivia to kiss her again, because these few moments of kissing were more than had passed between them in days and it was so lovely and she regretted that Olivia had to rush off.

"Gross." Charles muttered and then grabbed Olivia's hand, pulling her away. "We're going to be late."

* * *

Frannie was racing ahead with youthful agility. Amanda marveled at the fact that the dog was still so in shape after their years together. She attributed it to their long runs every morning. The day was crisp, rain the previous evening had made everything smell fresh, new.

Amanda glanced around the park, wide awake, alive. She listened as her feet pounded against the pavement, listened as the beats of her music matched the steady rhythm.

She looked to the side, taking in the fresh green grass, the way the leaves carried the weight of the wetness and dipped down towards the ground. She looked up to find the clouds parting, knew that there would be sun soon.

And then she felt Frannie pulling her off track. Frannie was moving off the path and into the grass. "Whoa, Frannie. Stop it."

Amanda tried to pull her back but to no avail and soon she found what it was Frannie had been after. There were two fluffy little Pomeranians standing in a clearing of the park. Frannie had a very funny love for small fluffy dogs, as if she, herself, wished to be one. Frannie slowed her gate so as not to frighten the dogs and tenderly, carefully approached them with the care of an older sister.

Amanda rolled her eyes and looked up to apologize to the dogs' owner but found herself freezing in her own tracks. The dogs' owner stood tall, dressed in a black business suit, dark hair framed about her face, aviator glasses masking her eyes. She was ridiculously beautiful. "H-hi." Amanda choked out, pulling her headphones from her ears, breathless and sweaty and feeling disgusting.

The woman regarded her curiously, "hello there. It seems your dog has a thing for small dogs."

Amanda laughed awkwardly – oh God, she was so awkward. "Y-yeah. I guess so." She shrugged and shoved her free hand into her pocket, looking mortified down to see Frannie sniffing one of the dog's behinds.

"It's a beautiful dog." The woman commented.

"Thanks, so are yours."

"They're quite a handful."

"I can't imagine having two."

The woman shrugged, "at least they're small." Amanda dared to glance back up at this woman who was smiling at her. "I'm Sharon." She extended her hand to Amanda.

"Amanda." Amanda took her hand, bringing them closer. "Sorry I'm so…uh…sweaty."

She could have sworn, then, that Sharon was looking her over through her glasses. "It's good to get out and exercise every now and then."

"Uh, yeah. It's become my morning routine." Amanda spoke shyly, feeling Frannie's leash at her heels. She looked down to find that her dog had somehow tangled herself with the Pomeranians and was now wrapping herself about Amanda _and_ Sharon. "Uh…oh, Frannie." Amanda gasped, feeling self-conscious as the dog pulled the two women even closer. "I'm so sorry!" Amanda, blushing, tried to reach down to correct the mess that they had found themselves in.

And somehow in the fray of events she found herself on the ground and Sharon was laughing at her side.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, your suit!"

"It's okay, it's okay." Sharon was gasping and laughing.

"No, I'll have it dry-cleaned. Give it to me."

"Well normally I at least have drinks with someone before I get naked."

Amanda felt herself blush a deep, deep red.

"Oh, I'm just kidding. It's quite alright." Sharon sat up, untangling her feet from the mess of dog leashes. She reached down for Amanda's hand and pulled her back up.

"I want to pay, please."

"Alright, give me your number and I'll think of something."

Amanda found herself smiling shyly as she put her number into the woman's phone.

Oh Frannie, what had she gotten her into this time?

But she found herself smiling as she returned back to her run, unable to get Sharon out of her head the rest of the day.

- _How about dinner?_

The unfamiliar number sent the message that evening at 6:30.

- _On me, of course! You name the place._

* * *

Alex dropped Charles off with Tom that Friday. Tom was less than pleased to see that he was _still_ in the tutu. "It's just a phase. Or not…but just…just let him have this. Please?" Alex had begged nicely and Tom had shrugged.

"I guess I thought I'd get a baseball player."

"Isn't that every man's dream?" Alex laughed. "How's Sophia?"

"Doing well. She's already five months along, can you believe it?"

"Maybe you'll get your baseball player after all." Alex lightly punched him on the arm.

"It's a girl."

"What?! Congratulations. Hey…she could still be a baseball player."

Tom considered this. "Maybe so."

"I'll get her a little pink mitt." Alex winked.

It was so nice that Tom had found Sophia and Sophia had happily welcomed Charles into her life. She was an older lawyer, had not gotten married early and so had feared she'd never have children. Now she was pregnant and married and with a step-son whom she doted upon. She was happy to leave Charles in his father and step-mother's capable hands.

Alex returned home, feeling that she would more than likely beat Olivia there. She wondered if they would actually be able to connect again or if it would be another tedious, busy weekend. For all she knew Olivia could get a case and she, herself, could be called out. The previous morning had been a nice reprieve, a nice way to tide things over so that Alex was no longer concerned that Olivia would be lost to her. She hated that the fear was still there, though they worked on it. Practically daily.

She walked in the apartment expecting to find it empty.

Instead there was Edith Piaf playing, candles illuminating the living room, the kitchen, the smell of something warm and soothing cooking, and the bedroom door open, inviting Alex to dare to enter it.

And she found Olivia bending over the bathtub – the big one they'd had put in because it seemed to be their favorite pastime when they both had a moment, a way to escape and wash away the day.

Olivia was still in her pants and shirt, though her hair was twisted up and her glasses were slipping down her nose. "Hey there." She smiled when she saw Alex walk in and lean against the bathroom doorframe.

"You did all of this?"

"I left work early." Olivia got up from testing the water and pulled Alex against her, pressing their lips together. "Because I've missed you." She kissed her again. "And I don't want you to be worried that I'm running."

"I didn't think you were." Alex sighed.

Olivia smiled. "Uh huh," she leaned in to bury her lips in Alex's neck, pressing a kiss to that one place she liked. "I thought we might rectify this little s-e-x issue."

"Oh, yeah…" Alex's fingers found their way to Olivia's skin at her waist, pushing down into her pants. "Jesus, Liv. I love you."

"I love you, too."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I've really enjoyed your input on this story. It actually really helped to determine which way it was going to go. I'm happy to have fulfilled your Cabenson dreams. 
> 
> As for writing more Cabenson...possibly! I have a lot going on and was only able to do this because it was winter break. If I find myself with some time on my hands I have some thoughts surrounding the whole Lewis ordeal. 
> 
> Anyway, thank you again for my two faithful reviewers over here! You've both been great. Thank you for reading and enjoying. :)


End file.
